The Doctor's Final WWE Recap List Part 1: Monday Night Raw

The Doctor Chris MuellerFeatured ColumnistMay 26, 2013

Illustration by Natasha Farley (Images property of WWE, BBC and Bleacher Report)
Illustration by Natasha Farley (Images property of WWE, BBC and Bleacher Report)

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to my weekly recap list. I always appreciate my loyal readers, but for those of you who are new, each week I recap WWE shows with a long list.

The entries are made up of equal parts observations, humor, recap, play-by-play, revelations, speculations, questions, answers and anything else I notice during the show. I sometimes comment on commercials, too, just because I get bored during them.

Since this will be my final week doing this recap format, I thought I would include a recap list for Raw since I have not been able to since taking over the live Raw coverage.

Parts two and three for Main Event and SmackDown will be posted Sunday.
I try to interject some fun into these lists, so I hope you have fun reading this week's list of the things we learned, loved and hated from the show.

1. Raw opens with an ambulance pulling into the arena, making the four Scott Steiner fans in the crowd gets excited for a split second.

2. I used to love The Steiner Brothers in the '90s, but Big Poppa Pump fell victim to the WCW machine.

3. Ryback steps out of the ambulance and gets on top. He kind of looks like a member of the Disciples of Apocalypse with his leather vest.

4. Those were interesting times back then. You had several groups of four or five guys feuding over nothing but having really fun matches.

5. Los Bariquas actually ended up reforming in IWA in Puerto Rico in 2001 and ended up winning the Tag titles six times.

6. Some footage is shown of Cena turning down medical help at Extreme Rules.

7. Ryback makes a point to say that he doesn't care what anyone thinks anymore.

8. Like we care if he cares. He knows that we don't care if he cares, and he doesn't care that we know that he knows that we don't care. Right?

9. Ryback says none of us have anything in common with him or John Cena.

10. That's probably true. I have never threatened to take an entire arena of people to the morgue.

11. Truth be told, I like Ryback a lot more as a heel. His in-ring style is the equivalent to a wrestling bully, and a bully should be a heel.

12. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler run down the lineup for tonight, including Paul Heyman bringing out a new client.

13. Please be Damien Sandow. I think they would be the perfect combination.

14. Their promos would be out-of-this-world awesome since both guys have a very distinct style on the mic.

15. Or managing Rhodes Scholars as a team would be good.

16. I am seeing a lot of advertisements for Fast and Furious 6 during WWE programming.

17. Coincidence, or something to do with The Rock?

18. Either way, the tag-line "Fast just keeps getting better" makes me laugh because they pretty much started at the bottom in terms of quality, so there was nowhere else to go but up.

19. I am sorry if any of you like the Fast movies. I would rather watch the Adventures of the Galaxy Rangers DVD some awesome person just got me. No seriously, I loved that show as a kid. It is probably where Joss Whedon got the idea for Firefly.

20. That cartoon was hilarious. It was about space cowboys who rode robot horses and had bionic limbs. This show was on my lunchbox as a kid. It blew Bravestarr, Saber Rider and the Star Sheriffs and Silverhawks out of the water in terms of animated space westerns. Isn't it awesome that there is actually a whole genre of cartoons called space-westerns?

21. In fairness to Bravestarr, his horse could also turn into a horse who had a human body and a space blunderbuss, which was pretty cool.

22. Honestly, being a kid in the '80s into the '90s was awesome. We had the best toys and the best cartoons. Every toy had a small possibility of killing you and cartoons didn't expect you to really learn anything other than don't look down the barrel of Elmer Fudd's gun, ACME brand products don't work, and don't trust a rabbit dressed in drag.

23. After a mid-show plug for Sonic, which I am sure made everyone pause and go out to buy Sonic, we get Summer Rae out on the stage dancing as Fandango comes out.

24. Wade Barrett's new music is...different. I am still undecided on it. When the first few seconds played, I thought we were seeing someone new or someone returning to new music.

25. I love how Barrett gets right in Fandango's face to let him know he is in charge during this tag match.

26. Miz and Jericho make their way out next. There is something about Miz as a babyface I just dislike. I liked him so much more as a heel.

27. It has been bugging me for weeks, but I finally figured out who Fandango reminds me of. He kind of resembles Billy Zane in The Phantom.

28. I don't care what anyone says. I was 13 when that movie came out and it was awesome. It was during a simpler time when nobody knew what a laser was really capable of, so every movie villain had one.

29. Fandango also has some Zoolander qualities to him. And with Billy Zane having the best scene in that whole movie, I would say Fandango is the perfect mix of Zoolander of Zane.

30. Zanelander?

31. Barrett and Jericho start things off by trading some offense. Jericho hits a few hard chops to the chest before Barrett is able to tag in Fandango.

32. I like that Barrett and Fandango are having some friction. Just because they're both heels doesn't mean they should get along.

33. That is one thing I have always hated about WWE tag matches. They throw people together for matches like this, and rarely do people who have hated each other before seem to mind teaming together.

34. With babyfaces it is a little different because they are supposed to get along, but heels should be at odds with other heels.

35. After the break we see Miz fight back against Barrett with a nice running boot to the face.

36. Fandango gets on the mic and pronounces his name as Miz goes to put on the Figure Four.

37. Fandango's music hits and he and Summer start dancing while the match is still going on.

38. Barrett gets pissed and yells at Fandango from the ring.

39. The distraction allows Jericho to get the tag and come in hot with all his signatures to Barrett.

40. Jericho hits the Codebreaker and then Miz tags in and locks in the Figure Four to get the submission win.

41. Jericho and Miz try to go after Fandango, but he bolts through the crowd.

42. Jericho and Summer exchange some glances, and he grabs her for a quick twirl.

43. They almost kiss, but Jericho just laughs in her face and walks away to the delight of the crowd.

44. She freaks out at being played like that after Fandango ditched her.

45. Vickie comes out on the ramp and talks about how fans can vote for Jack Swagger to face either Khali, R-Truth or Randy Orton.

46. The voting for this is going to be a landslide for Orton.

47. They are wasting Vickie. She should be managing someone who could use the help with heat. I could see her teaming with Epico, Primo and Rosa, with her and Rosa butting heads and eventually making the team decide between Rosa or Vickie. Although, that's like choosing between steak and a Big Mac.

48. Daniel Bryan is angry backstage, and Kane walks up and asks if he is ready.

49. Bryan saying he feels naked without the title, and Kane pointing out that he isn't wearing a shirt or pants should have gotten a much bigger laugh from the crowd.

50. Kofi comes in and breaks up the argument.

51. Sheamus is out first before the commercial for his match against Titus O'Neil.

52. I see big things for big Titus. He has the right size and look, hilarious mic skills and his in-ring ability has improved vastly in the past year. His potential as a singles star is limitless.

53. Plus, he has that personality that might get him a role in a WWE film at some point. Perhaps as the brother of President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho? Just a thought.

54. I am actually glad they do not have Abraham Washington anymore. I do not think they would have had the opportunity to show their own mic skills with someone like AW as a manager.

55. It sucks how AW had to leave, but these guys are better off without him.

56. Sheamus and Titus are pretty equal in size and strength, which shows when they lock up and try to gain control.

57. JBL says this is an Irish battle. Sheamus vs. O'Neil.

58. Too on the nose.

59. Titus gets draped over the top rope for the Irish Hand Grenades before being kicked off the apron by Sheamus.

60. Sheamus runs Young into the barricade, allowing Titus to recover and come up from behind with a big boot.

61. Titus brings Sheamus back in and throws Sheamus over his head like it's nothing.

62. Did they just have to censor Titus saying the F word? Who was he yelling at?

63. I am really impressed with Titus in this match. He has a variety of moves in his arsenal.

64. One thing nobody ever seems to mention is the way Titus takes bumps. Sometimes it looks like he hits the mat harder than anyone else.

65. Especially when he runs at someone in the corner and they move, making it so Titus' whole body bounces off the top turnbuckle.

66. Sheamus starts to build a head of steam as he runs all over Titus.

67. Titus counters White Noise and Young prevents Sheamus from hitting the battering ram from the apron, allowing Titus to hit a running knee lift to the face of Sheamus.

68. Sheamus finally connects with White Noise, and he lines up for and hits The Brogue Kick for the pin and the win.

69. Here is a question I have. The spot for Randy Orton's 12 Rounds 2: Reloaded played right at the start of the commercial break. Did WWE pay for that advertising time, or did they cut out a small part of their own show to play it to avoid paying to air the ad during the actual break?

70. I ended up rewinding the recording and timing the 12 Rounds trailer. It was almost exactly 15 seconds. If WWE paid for that time instead of just using 15 seconds of their own time, then someone is not doing their job right.

71. Kevin Jonas as the social media ambassador makes about as much sense as having Kevin Federline on the actual show. At least we got to see Federline get AA'd.

72. Paul Heyman comes out to introduce his new guy, but he talks for awhile before introducing him.

73. This guy can stretch 10 seconds of material into five minutes. Why WWE ever let him go in the first place will always be a mystery to me.

74. Heyman brings out his newest guy, Curtis Axel, who is Michael McGillicutty, who is really Joe Hennig.

75. Whoa! His music is a remix of his dad's old music. That's awesome.

76. Axel screams "I have arrived!" as he gets in the ring and hugs Heyman.

77. Good for him. This kid has been working his butt off for WWE for years, and he is finally getting the angle he deserves to get on the main roster.

78. After Heyman does his best to get Axel over, Triple H comes down to talk to Heyman.

79. Axel gets in his face and Triple H says "The adults are talking."

80. Trips says he wants to beat up Heyman just because he can, and Axel gets back in his face.

81. Triple H slaps Axel, and he goes down. Well, there goes any momentum Axel had.

82. Triple H says he is going to face Curtis Axel in a match tonight, and then he is going to beat up Heyman when he is done.

83. Ricardo Rodriguez is out to introduce Alberto Del Rio after the break.

84. Alberto Del Rio is obviously someone WWE wants the crowd to like, but his babyface turn was so forced that I still find it hard to care about him.

85. He is one of the most fluid workers WWE has, and he can put on a show with most of the roster, but his gimmick is what needs to change somehow.

86. Ricardo has to stay because he is the best part, but I think he needs new music, a new look and possibly a storyline about how he lost all his money and has to keep wrestling to make money.

87. They could use that as the explanation for why he stopped bringing the cars to the ring with him. They could even add a little thing with JBL giving him advice since he is a real financial adviser for Fox.

88. AJ and Big E Langston are out next, and the bell rings.

89. Del Rio almost locks in the Cross Armbreaker right away, but Langston lifts him off the mat and drops him.

90. Del Rio hangs on and Langston is forced to get to the ropes. Del Rio locks it on while Langston is outside the ring, and Langston lifts him off the apron and swings Del Rio's body into the ring post.

91. AJ laughing really hard in the background was kind of funny for some reason.

92. Del Rio is able to fight out of a submission, but Langston knocks him back down with one shot.

93. Del Rio gets control and runs through all his signatures.

94. When ADR goes for the CAB, AJ throws the bucket into the ring to cause a distraction and allow Langston to rake the eyes and then hit the Big Ending for the pin and win.

95. Langston pinning Del Rio, dirty or clean, is a big win this early in his career. Langston is turning out to be everything WWE hoped Monty Brown would be when they put him on ECW as Marcus Cor Von.

96. The Pounce is still one of my favorite finishers, though.

97. We see some footage of Kaitlyn attacking AJ at Extreme Rules before AJ faces Layla right now.

98. Layla botches a double neckbreaker combo AJ was going for. It would have looked cool had Layla not fallen too early.

99. AJ's Back Widow submission gets her the submission victory.

100. AJ blows Layla a kiss before slamming her head back into the mat.

101. I was going to make fun of Cole pronouncing Orton's name wrong, but the guy is in the middle of a three-hour show, and one little mistake is bound to happen.

102. Cody Rhodes and Zack Ryder have a match after the break.

103. After about three minutes of back-and-forth offense, Ryder gets nailed with a Disaster Kick to give Rhodes the quick win.

104. Ryback's music hits, and he makes his way to the ring. I am just noticing they removed the "Feed Me More" part of his theme song. When did they do that?

105. Ryback takes Ryder apart to send Cena a message.

106. He picks up Ryder and puts him in an ambulance. I guess he is abducting Ryder, and nobody is going to try to stop him.

107. The Shield make their way out first for a six-man match with Kofi Kingston and Team Hell No.

108. Do you think they keep anything in those pockets on their vests? Maybe some brass knucks or a protein bar? I'll tell you one thing, it's not a comb.

109. Once the bell rings it's Kofi and Dean Ambrose in the ring.

110. What is with Kofi's attire? It looks like a blue cow was skinned and made into trunks and shin guards.

111. Lawler brings up Dr. Shelby at one point. I forgot all about that guy. He always reminded me of Buster Bluth on Arrested Development.

112. Bryan tags in after Kofi does a number on Ambrose, and Bryan still controls Ambrose before Rollins tags in.

113. Bryan keeps up the offense on Rollins as he tags in Kane for a double-team.

114. Kofi tags in, and he keeps Rollins away from his corner.

115. Reigns eventually gets the tag and he takes control of Kofi very easily.

116. I love how Ambrose does something illegal and then says to the ref "I've got til five, right? So mind your business." He didn't even say it very loud, which is why it strikes me as kind of funny.

117. After Kofi takes some punishment from The Shield for a few minutes, we see Bryan tag in and go through everyone.

118. Bryan using the Tree of Woe always makes me think of Kevin Sullivan.

119. Bryan ends up taking several minutes of a beating from everyone in The Shield before he finally tags in Kane, who comes in with a head of steam.

120. Rollins saves Reigns from taking a Chokeslam and Reigns hits Kane with a spear for the pin and the win.

121. I am starting to wonder just how long WWE can keep The Shield gimmick going. It has been great so far, but eventually all stables break up. I hope it's not anytime soon.

122. Kaitlyn is backstage with Natalya, and she says she has a phone number for her secret admirer.

123. When Cody Rhodes walked by and they looked kind of guilty about something so he said "What, do I got somethin' in my love stache?" I laughed really hard. His delivery was perfect.

124. They steal his phone and see that he is not the secret admirer.

125. Kaitlyn says she is glad it isn't Rhodes, and he walks away.

126. Can they just reveal it was the Bella twins messing with her and get this over with?

127. Jack Swagger is out to face whomever the fans voted for.

128. Randy Orton wins with 72 percent of the vote. What is most shocking is Khali getting 10 percent more votes than R-Truth.

129. Orton and Swagger start off with some chain wrestling, countering each other with every move.

130. I just noticed during the little crawler at the bottom of the screen showing tweets that they included one from Brie Bella that mentioned her real relationship with Daniel Bryan. I would expect WWE to ignore those.

131. Orton and Swagger trade control for much of the match.

132. Swagger focuses in on the injured knee of Orton to set up for the Patriot Lock.

133. Orton gets knocked off the top rope to the floor as we head to a break.

134. After the break we see Swagger get sent into the ring post before Orton takes him up for a middle rope superplex.

135. Swagger tries for the Swaggerbomb, only to get kicked in the gut.

136. Orton starts to build momentum, until Swagger picks him up and slams him back down to the mat.

137. Swagger counters an RKO into a Patriot Lock.

138. Orton tries to counter, but Swagger keeps holding on.

139. Orton eventually hits the RKO for the pin and the win.

140. That was a good match with a predictable ending.

141. Triple H makes his way out first for the main event.

142. Curtis Axel and Paul Heyman are out next. I think he needs some pyro for his entrance.

143. Axel tries to mess with The Game, but he gets pushed into the corner and hit with a clothesline for a near fall.

144. Triple H talks some trash to Heyman before he throws Axel out of the ring.

145. Axel comes back with some kicks in the corner.

146. While Axel grinds in a headlock, we hear Heyman talk some of his own trash to Triple H.

147. Triple H keeps looking like he is going to be sick while he starts to build some momentum again.

148. Trips takes a few shots to head before he rolls Axel back in.

149. He ends up sitting in a chair by the announcers and asking for water.

150. Even Heyman looks upset.

151. He gets back up to go in the ring, but he nearly collapses and sits back down.

152. The Dr. signals to end the match because he can't continue.

153. Triple H falls down at ringside and when they ask him questions he looks confused.

154. Are they having Triple H suffer from the exact same thing that Dolph Ziggler suffered in real life?

155. The show ends with Hunter being looked at by officials.

156. I get the value of a concussion storyline if it leads to Triple H retiring, but if he fights through it then it might send the wrong message.

157. Raw was good this week. It seems as if WWE is having longer matches more often these days, which I really like.

158. Surprisingly, the show was enjoyable without Ziggler, CM Punk or John Cena. Neither top champion was at the show, but it didn't seem to matter that much.


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