Al Davis Shocked to Learn Faster Receiver Was Available, Offers Trade (Satire)
Sportswriter:ย So, you think you made the right choice drafting Darrius Heyward-Bey with the seventh overall pick of the draft?ย The move was almost universally condemned by theย sportswriting community.
Al Davis:ย Absolutely.ย Darrius Heyward-Bey is the fastest receiver in the draft.ย You know what they say...the stopwatch never lies.ย Speed kills but absolute speed kills absolutely.ย ย
Sportswriter:ย Haveย you considered that he might be another James Jett?
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Al Davis:ย Who?ย Didn't she lead a rock band back in the '80s...sang something about loving rock and roll.ย Nope...can't see the comparison.
Sportswriter:ย Did you factor in size, hands, instincts, production, or route running?
Al Davis:ย Route running?ย We don't need no stinkin' route running.ย All DHB needs to do is run straight down the field.ย One play...that's all he'll need to learn.ย I like north-to-south wide receivers.ย Those are the guys that make an impact in this league.ย ย
Sportswriter:ย Did you factor in whether he has good hands?
Al Davis:ย He has two hands.ย That'sย good enough for me.
Sportswriter:ย Well...Okay then.ย I did want to correct the record on one thing you said earlier.ย Heyward-Bey was not the fastest receiver in the draft.ย ย Ole Miss wideout Mike Wallace is actually a tad faster.
Al Davis:ย What?!?ย That's impossible.ย I told my staff to find meย the fastest wide receiver in the draft.ย My scouts all agreedย it wasย Heyward-Bey.
Sportswriter:ย Not quiteย true.ย The fastest receiver was actually Wallace...although DHB wasn't far behind.ย ย
Al Davis:ย You're sure?ย Okay...who drafted Wallace?
Sportswriter:ย The Steelers...late in the third round.
Al Davis:ย The Steelers!?!ย They bleeping bleep bleep.ย I'll bleep bleep bleep...ย
Sportswriter:ย ย Slow down.ย Wallace wasn't projected to go until later in the draft.ย He is a developmental project who will likely be used as a kick returner next season.
Al Davis:ย Shut your pie hole.ย I challenge the Steelers to a race at the time and place of their choosing.ย
Sportswriter:ย You're going to run a race?ย Aren't you a little old to be...
Al Davis:ย Not me, you fool.ย DHB against Wallace in a 40-yard dash.ย The winner takes all.
Sportswriter:ย The winner takes all?ย What does that mean?
Al Davis:ย Umm....the winner gets to play for me.ย If Wallace wins, I offer a straight-up trade...DHB for Wallace.
Sportswriter:ย That would be absurd.ย Don't you realize that DHB was rated...
Al Davis:ย Okay, okay.ย I'll throw in next year's second-round draft pick to sweeten the pot.
Sportswriter:ย But...but...that doesn't make...
Al Davis:ย Alright, alright.ย I'll throw in my second-round pick from this year, too.
Sportswriter:ย The 77th-ranked safety from Ohio?ย What did Tom Cable think of the Raiders'ย draft?
Al Davis:ย Who?
Sportswriter:ย The coach of the Raiders.
Al Davis:ย Don't know.ย Don't care.ย This interview is over.ย Somebody get me Dan Rooney on the phone.ย Oh...and fire all my scouts.
Sportswriter:ย Ummm....one final question.ย I'm pretty fast.ย Any chance you might have a roster spot for me?

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