Al Davis Shocked to Learn Faster Receiver Was Available, Offers Trade (Satire)
Sportswriter: So, you think you made the right choice drafting Darrius Heyward-Bey with the seventh overall pick of the draft? The move was almost universally condemned by the sportswriting community.
Al Davis: Absolutely. Darrius Heyward-Bey is the fastest receiver in the draft. You know what they say...the stopwatch never lies. Speed kills but absolute speed kills absolutely.
Sportswriter: Have you considered that he might be another James Jett?
Al Davis: Who? Didn't she lead a rock band back in the '80s...sang something about loving rock and roll. Nope...can't see the comparison.
Sportswriter: Did you factor in size, hands, instincts, production, or route running?
Al Davis: Route running? We don't need no stinkin' route running. All DHB needs to do is run straight down the field. One play...that's all he'll need to learn. I like north-to-south wide receivers. Those are the guys that make an impact in this league.
Sportswriter: Did you factor in whether he has good hands?
Al Davis: He has two hands. That's good enough for me.
Sportswriter: Well...Okay then. I did want to correct the record on one thing you said earlier. Heyward-Bey was not the fastest receiver in the draft. Ole Miss wideout Mike Wallace is actually a tad faster.
Al Davis: What?!? That's impossible. I told my staff to find me the fastest wide receiver in the draft. My scouts all agreed it was Heyward-Bey.
Sportswriter: Not quite true. The fastest receiver was actually Wallace...although DHB wasn't far behind.
Al Davis: You're sure? Okay...who drafted Wallace?
Sportswriter: The Steelers...late in the third round.
Al Davis: The Steelers!?! They bleeping bleep bleep. I'll bleep bleep bleep...
Sportswriter: Slow down. Wallace wasn't projected to go until later in the draft. He is a developmental project who will likely be used as a kick returner next season.
Al Davis: Shut your pie hole. I challenge the Steelers to a race at the time and place of their choosing.
Sportswriter: You're going to run a race? Aren't you a little old to be...
Al Davis: Not me, you fool. DHB against Wallace in a 40-yard dash. The winner takes all.
Sportswriter: The winner takes all? What does that mean?
Al Davis: Umm....the winner gets to play for me. If Wallace wins, I offer a straight-up trade...DHB for Wallace.
Sportswriter: That would be absurd. Don't you realize that DHB was rated...
Al Davis: Okay, okay. I'll throw in next year's second-round draft pick to sweeten the pot.
Sportswriter: But...but...that doesn't make...
Al Davis: Alright, alright. I'll throw in my second-round pick from this year, too.
Sportswriter: The 77th-ranked safety from Ohio? What did Tom Cable think of the Raiders' draft?
Al Davis: Who?
Sportswriter: The coach of the Raiders.
Al Davis: Don't know. Don't care. This interview is over. Somebody get me Dan Rooney on the phone. Oh...and fire all my scouts.
Sportswriter: Ummm....one final question. I'm pretty fast. Any chance you might have a roster spot for me?
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