Al Davis Shocked to Learn Faster Receiver Was Available, Offers Trade (Satire)

Todd FlemingAnalyst IApril 30, 2009

BATON ROUGE, LA - NOVEMBER 22:  Mike Wallace #2 of the Ole Miss Rebels is tackled by Rahim Alem #84 of the Louisiana State University Tigers on November 22, 2008 at Tiger Stadium in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.  (Photo by Chris Graythen/Getty Images)

Sportswriter:  So, you think you made the right choice drafting Darrius Heyward-Bey with the seventh overall pick of the draft?  The move was almost universally condemned by the sportswriting community.

Al Davis:  Absolutely.  Darrius Heyward-Bey is the fastest receiver in the draft.  You know what they say...the stopwatch never lies.  Speed kills but absolute speed kills absolutely.  

Sportswriter:  Have you considered that he might be another James Jett?

Al Davis:  Who?  Didn't she lead a rock band back in the '80s...sang something about loving rock and roll.  Nope...can't see the comparison.

Sportswriter:  Did you factor in size, hands, instincts, production, or route running?

Al Davis:  Route running?  We don't need no stinkin' route running.  All DHB needs to do is run straight down the field.  One play...that's all he'll need to learn.  I like north-to-south wide receivers.  Those are the guys that make an impact in this league.  

Sportswriter:  Did you factor in whether he has good hands?

Al Davis:  He has two hands.  That's good enough for me.

Sportswriter:  Well...Okay then.  I did want to correct the record on one thing you said earlier.  Heyward-Bey was not the fastest receiver in the draft.  Ole Miss wideout Mike Wallace is actually a tad faster.

Al Davis:  What?!?  That's impossible.  I told my staff to find me the fastest wide receiver in the draft.  My scouts all agreed it was Heyward-Bey.

Sportswriter:  Not quite true.  The fastest receiver was actually Wallace...although DHB wasn't far behind.  

Al Davis:  You're sure?  Okay...who drafted Wallace?

Sportswriter:  The Steelers...late in the third round.

Al Davis:  The Steelers!?!  They bleeping bleep bleep.  I'll bleep bleep bleep... 

Sportswriter:  Slow down.  Wallace wasn't projected to go until later in the draft.  He is a developmental project who will likely be used as a kick returner next season.

Al Davis:  Shut your pie hole.  I challenge the Steelers to a race at the time and place of their choosing. 

Sportswriter:  You're going to run a race?  Aren't you a little old to be...

Al Davis:  Not me, you fool.  DHB against Wallace in a 40-yard dash.  The winner takes all.

Sportswriter:  The winner takes all?  What does that mean?

Al Davis:  Umm....the winner gets to play for me.  If Wallace wins, I offer a straight-up trade...DHB for Wallace.

Sportswriter:  That would be absurd.  Don't you realize that DHB was rated...

Al Davis:  Okay, okay.  I'll throw in next year's second-round draft pick to sweeten the pot.

Sportswriter:  But...but...that doesn't make...

Al Davis:  Alright, alright.  I'll throw in my second-round pick from this year, too.

Sportswriter:  The 77th-ranked safety from Ohio?  What did Tom Cable think of the Raiders' draft?

Al Davis:  Who?

Sportswriter:  The coach of the Raiders.

Al Davis:  Don't know.  Don't care.  This interview is over.  Somebody get me Dan Rooney on the phone.  Oh...and fire all my scouts.

Sportswriter: final question.  I'm pretty fast.  Any chance you might have a roster spot for me?


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