11. Put together Mel Kiper’s Scripps National Spelling Bee Big Board
Because somebody’s gotta do it. And a quick reminder, Bee Week kicks off May 26.
10. Go back to plotting the hit on Todd McShay
The younger, more knowledgeable, better looking, less annoying version of Kiper is quietly becoming ESPN’s go-to guy when it comes to analysis on the NFL Draft. Think of McShay as Tim Kurkjian, to Kiper’s Peter Gammons.
9. Return to Safeway for his offseason job
“Mel Kiper, clean up on aisle seven...Kiper to aisle seven. Thank you.”
8. Get Lasik surgery to eliminate the perpetual squint
Contrary to popular belief, Mel Kiper is not Chinese.
7. Get out his Makita power buffer and go to work on that jaw
It’s not easy maintaining a chin that square.
6. Go back to the summer coaching clinic circuit at Mel Kiper’s "Day Camp For Future NFL Draft Gurus."
How do you think Todd McShay came up so quickly?
5. Walk his dog, Mel Kiper, III
This sounds like a joke, but it’s not. Kiper really owns a dog, and he really did name it Mel Kiper, III.
4. Sign up for the next Real World
“Everyone gets along pretty well in the house, except Mel. I don’t know about him. He spends way too long in the bathroom, and I did walk in on him once with his pants down, standing in front of the TV, watching a still image of himself….I mean, it was pretty freakin weird.”
3. Star in Judd Apatow’s next Bromance with McShay
Entitled, I Love You, Man…But You Lack The Arm Strength To Throw The Deep Ball.
2. Find a woman
Or a man. I mean, you can’t really be sure with a guy like Kiper. My guess is he uses McShay as his wingman…."Hey sexy lady, see my friend over there? That’s Mel, and he thinks you’re pretty fly."
1. Resume his annual quest for the perfect mousse
It takes a village to raise Mel Kiper’s well-coiffed head of hair. A village of mousse, that is.