If you build it, they will come? Well, Daryl Morey built it. And they came...to play.
Grab your popcorn and jujubes. And please turn off all cellphones, otherwise you might get it swatted out of your hands by Omer Asik.
TeamWorks Pictures proudly presents "Houston Rockets: The Movie."
Fade in: Houston Rockets general manager Daryl Morey (Philip Seymour Hoffman) is staring at a piece of paper. On it are the names of the 2011-2012 Houston Rockets rotation players.
MOREY: They say basing a team on statistics is crazy? I'll show them crazy.
He presses his intercom.
MOREY: Send in Parsons.
The door opens, and small forward Chandler Parsons (Jude Law) walks in.
PARSONS: What's shaking, boss?
MOREY: The roster. I shook it up like a snow globe. The only rotation player left is you.
PARSONS: Me? But I'm just a second-round pick.
MOREY: And I believe you're just that good, kid. Now get out.
Morey picks up a pencil and one by one, crosses out every name except Parsons'. Then he laughs maniacally, for a long long long long time…
Title card: TWO MONTHS LATER
CUT TO: New York Knicks general manager Glen Grunwald (Jeff Daniels) in a press conference.
GRUNWALD: ...and we will match any offer for Jeremy Lin up to a billion dollars.
Camera PULLS BACK: the press conference is on television in Morey's office. Morey, two months hence, is still in the middle of his crazed guffaw as he watches from behind his desk. He picks up the phone.
MOREY: (laughing) Get me the craziest guy in accounting!
CUT TO: Press conference. Jeremy Lin (Harry Shum Jr. from 'Glee') is holding up his Rockets jersey.
LIN: I am excited and focused on what I can do for this organization to move forward.
Morey, still laughing, covers his microphone and turns to Rockets owner Leslie Alexander (Edward Herrman).
MOREY: A billion dollars, my left—
CUT TO: Morey, pushes a contract across the table to Omer Asik (Jason Segel).
ASIK: All this money—for me? Do you know who I am?
MOREY: Son, I can't even pronounce your name. But I know that you play like a man possessed for 15 minutes a game. I say you can do it for 35.
Asik looks at him.
ASIK: And I say you got yourself a center.
He picks up a pen.
ASIK: By the way, it's pronounced oh-MARE AH-shick.
MOREY: How 'bout I just call you Turkish Dwight Howard?
ASIK: Works for me.
MOREY resumes his mad chuckle as Asik signs his contract.
CUT TO: Oklahoma City Thunder general manager Sam Presti (played by Cochran on "Survivor") picks up his ringing phone.
PRESTI: Hello? For Christ's sake, Morey, will ya stop calling this number? For the last time, we are never ever ever, as in no way, no chance, no how, ever ever ever going to trade you James Harden.
His assistant comes in.
ASSISTANT: Boss, Harden won't sign his extension.
Presti stares at him for a beat. Then he turns back to the phone.
PRESTI: Morey, you got yourself a deal.
Presti yanks the earpiece away from his ear and we hear why: Morey is once again chortling demonically...
CUT TO: Rockets' practice. Newly acquired shooting guard James Harden (Kimbo Slice) walks in, and walks up to Rockets coach Kevin McHale (Bill Pullman).
HARDEN: Gimme the ball.
MCHALE: What are you gonna do with it?
HARDEN: Score like a mutha.
McHale blows his whistle.
MCHALE: (indicating Harden) Give him the ball!
MONTAGE: Harden scoring like crazy; Lin dishing like a dervish; Parsons shooting the lights out; Asik grabbing rebounds like he has Stickum on his hands.
McHale turns to his assistant coach, Kelvin Sampson (played from beyond the grave by Jackie Gleason's Ralph Kramden).
MCHALE: We got ourselves a team. Don't screw it up while I'm gone.
SAMPSON: No sir. Bang, zoom, I'll take our record to the moon!
MONTAGE: the losses pile up, game after game. Finally McHale returns.
MCHALE: What happened?
SAMPSON: I'm sorry boss...I was so busy trying to think up ways to cheat and break rules.
McHale shakes his head.
MCHALE: One of these days, Kelvin...pow! Right in the kisser!
He calls the team in for a huddle and shows them a diagram of a basketball court.
MCHALE: We either score from here..(he circles the area near the rim) or here...(he circles the area beyond the arc).
PLAYERS: What about here?
The players are pointing to the area between the rim and the arc.
MCHALE: Bad odds.
SAMPSON: Forget it.
MCHALE: Not important.
PLAYERS: But that's crazy!
CUT TO Morey on the sidelines, laughing. CUT BACK to McHale.
MCHALE: (pointing at Morey) Well, it was his idea…
PLAYERS: (now it makes sense) Ohhhhh…
MONTAGE: the team starts winning again.
NEWSPAPER SPINS: Rockets have highest-scoring offense in the NBA!
ANOTHER NEWSPAPER SPINS: Rockets have the fastest pace in the NBA!
ANOTHER: Rockets are second in three-pointers taken and made!
ANOTHER: Rockets tie record for most three-pointers made in a game!
ANOTHER: Royce White refuses to play, walks away from D-League team, makes life miserable for everybody!
(The last one gets crumpled on screen and tossed into a shredder. Then the montage resumes)
ANOTHER: Rockets beat Oklahoma City Thunder!
ANOTHER: Rockets beat San Antonio Spurs!
ANOTHER: Rockets fleece Sacramento Kings at trade deadline!
A FINAL NEWSPAPER SPINS: Rockets clinch playoff berth!
The camera PULLS BACK, and we see that the last newspaper is in Morey's hands. He looks up: McHale and all the players are in his office.
MOREY: They said I was crazy for blowing up our roster, for starting from scratch, for taking a chance on a team of castoffs, bench players, the underappreciated. Yet here we are, about to start the playoffs as a seventh seed.
SAMPSON: Maybe a sixth.
MCHALE: (whispering to Sampson) Dummy up, dummy—we don't want to face Denver…
MOREY: So now I've only got one crazy move left to make. You know what it is?
HARDEN: Get me an endorsement deal with Gillette?
LIN: Challenge me to a MENSA test?
PARSONS: Advertise me as the ugly Rocket?
ASIK: Ask me to stop flopping?
Morey shakes his head and pulls out a photograph from his desk.
MOREY: Nope. My next crazy move is this summer, when I sign...him.
He turns the photograph toward the players, who gasp…as they stare at Dwight Howard in a Rockets jersey.
Watch for "Houston Rockets II: The Championship Season"
Coming to an arena near you in June 2014.