It’s one of the most popular hypotheticals out there:
“If I had $1 million, I would...”
Well, what would you do? Buy a llama? Or an emu? Take a limousine because it costs more? I’d buy your love, but that’s not the point of this.
One million hypothetical dollars is a lot of scratch, and if we’re going to spend it all in one place like mom told us not to, it’s going to have to be on something earthshakingly cool.
So the following is a list of the ridiculous amazing events in the world of sports that would be worth a $1 million admission fee to see, or to experience in some extremely gratifying way.
Get out your piggy bank, friends. We’re about to talk ridiculous sports hypotheticals we’d break the bank to see happen in our lifetimes.
An old argument and a good one, there are plenty of tournament lovers out there who would pay top dollar to see an NCAA football tournament in place of the BCS system.
It’s not a foolproof plan, but it would go a long way toward assuring “games” (read: war crimes) like the last BCS championship never occur again.
Also, I would never like to see the words “Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Bowl” with these eyes of mine ever again.
The screen freezes and Samuel starts drawing yellow lines and breaking down a basketball play.
“Alright, so Russell Westbrook passes the ball to this skinny mother(bleep)er right here, and he’s like ‘Oh (bleep)! I’m skinny and wide-open as (bleep)!’ Then he squares up and drains that son of a (bleep). That’s all day, baby.”
I don’t care what kind of game or what sport he did it for—I would drop all the imaginary stacks in my imaginary Swiss bank account to hear Samuel L. Jackson swear his way through calling a game.
The obvious catalyst for this entire article was Magic Johnson’s offering of $1 million to LeBron James to participate in the dunk contest, but a scenario far worthier of a cool million exists in my mind:
LeBron James vs. Derrick Rose in the dunk contest.
Just picture it—the mighty king finally throws his headband in the ring for the contest, his victory all but assured among the scrubs of today's competition.
But then he’s met with the unexpected last-minute entry of Rose, who’s back in action after a long recovery from his season-ending ACL injury. Next thing you know, what was supposed to be the James airshow has become a jaw-dropping aerial dogfight.
James’ shoulders-above-the-rim domination are pitted against the resurgent Rose, who has regained his flying squirrel vertical. It goes down to the wire—Dominique Wilkins vs. Spud Webb all over again, and no matter who wins only one thing is certain—the dunk competition has officially returned.
“I, Tim Tebow, am excited to testify against the people of ESPN SportsCenter. I am sick and tired of being treated like a buzzword and a piece of meat on national television. It’s an exciting moment for me to submit to His Honor my first piece of evidence—”
“Uh, Tim. We’re just trying to swear you in.”
Tim Tebow getting a restraining order against ESPN would not only be gut-shatteringly funny, but it would it also drastically improve the content quality of America’s biggest sports media outlet and free up air-time for lesser-known stars.
Stars like “hockey” and “soccer.”
Match them up in their prime—1981-edition Sugar Ray Leonard vs. a 2009 Floyd Mayweather Jr.
Leonard, a 5’10” former five-time world title holder in five weight divisions would provide an excellent challenger to 5’8” Mayweather and his undefeated title.
I don’t care what weight class they fight in, it will be fast, furious and likely end in controversy.
Getting Mayweather to agree to the fight would be harder than the time traveling necessary to pull it off in the first place, however.
It’s time to give the people what they want, Roger.
And what we want is for you to go out there and show some nice form tackling—no using of the shoulder pads, no contact of helmet. Remember, this is more like the game Operation than a tackling drill, and if you graze the ball carrier’s helmet or the quarterback’s arm, you have to pay yourself $25,000.
Alright, now we’re going to have you line up over here across from James Harrison, who will be the ball-carrier. You’re going to run and meet him at this bag and tackle him. On my whistle!
You know who wouldn’t ever allow an NHL lockout to ever happen on his watch?
Emilio Estevez as “Gordon Bombay”—the Mighty Ducks guy.
Bombay knows that “ducks fly together,” and that type of team-first spirit will go along way toward dis-engendering the league of its selfish culture of lockout disputes.
But if for some reason Bombay declines to replace Gary Bettman, I’m sure everyone would be fine with a small box of Fish McBites taking his place as commissioner. You wouldn’t be worse off.
Forget that it's impossible. The people want it.
Stadiums showing the televised game on big screens would sell out with people just wanting to watch it en masse. Basketball geeks young and old would flock like the salmon of the Capistrano to Madison Square Garden (obviously where it would have to go down) just to say they were in town for the showdown.
Newspapers would run just 60-point front page headlines: “Flash vs. Fire.” “A Game of Thrones.” “Sweatband or Jumpman?” And ESPN would run a half hour special on “Tebow: Might Attend Game of Century.”
Unfortunately we don’t have the technology to see this type of situation occur yet. But I’d be willing to chip in a large donation toward Doc Brown’s flux capacitor development if it meant we were one step closer to seeing Jordan square up on James.
I realize it wouldn’t be easy, but if they can do it for the NBA they can do it for college basketball.
Fantasy college basketball would be extremely, extremely successful were it to ever get off the ground.
Too many teams to be feasible, you say? Cut it down to conferences, or conference collections (Big Ten + ACC, Big 12 + The Catholic Seven, SEC + Another Terrible Basketball Conference).
The biggest problem would most likely encounter would be using player names, but the video game industry has proven there are ways around that.
Bottom line—T’would be a blast, and it would give college b-ball fans something to do in between games besides haunt message boards and watch HardwoodElite highlight tapes.
B/R has already taken the first step on this one by hosting the inaugural B/R Combine, where staff editors showed off their (mostly) tearful 40-yard dash times and landlocked vertical jumping abilities.
But what I’m talking about is the full deal—all the biggest names in sports news coming together to compete in the entire gambit of combine challenges.
Skip Bayless running the gauntlet, getting hit in the face with a ball and possibly crying in high-definition. Sage Steele crushing a tackling dummy. Doug Gottlieb getting laid out by a hitting bag. And Stuart Scott staying far, far away from the JUGS machine.
Take my cash, call the networks and set up the cones.
This one is for me, and all college basketball fans who can appreciate a good rivalry.
IU vs. Kentucky was a hallowed, heated annual game between two storied programs that recently fell apart in 2012 due to the prideful stubbornness of two coaches.
Kentucky’s John Calipari wants to play in neutral off-campus arenas. Indiana’s Tom Crean wants to continue trading home and away games each year.
Neither side will lower its guns, and until they do, college basketball fans will remain bereft of one of the nation’s best non-conference rivalries. If it means bringing it back, I’ll split $1 million between the programs.
Cal can take his half and buy a lifetime supply of hair pomade, while Crean can use his at the tanning beds. They’ll both look gorgeous for the big game that way.
After a particularly awkward, godawful pissing match on ESPN’s First Take (a remarkable feat considering the program itself is a long, awkward pissing tournament), Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman and ESPN personality Skip Bayless are stuck in a feud.
Sherman claims he’s “better at life” than Bayless, to which I say—“Lets find out.”
And the only way to find out who is better at life, is of course an Academic Decathlon: a 40-yard dash foot race. Jeopardy-themed quiz show. Violin-playing competition. Theater production. Etc.
Just picture Sherman reenacting Shakespeare with a skull— “To sleep is to die, to die is to suck...to suck is to host First Take...”
I wouldn’t pay a mill, but I’d definitely pay you in gum if you could make this happen.
English boxer Curtis Woodhouse recently took matters into his own hands and hunted down an anonymous Twitter user who had ceaselessly taunted him on the popular social media site.
Woodhouse initially tried to blow off @Jimmyob88—the user bothering him—but the persistent attacks on his boxing credibility and toughness led the 32-year-old boxer to seek his abuser out on his own after receiving word of his whereabouts
The boxer then drove several hours to show up on the troll’s doorstep to meet him in person. And while no confrontation occurred, I would pay a fat hen’s weight in gold bullion just to see video of @Jimmyob88 pacing back and forth in his room with his hands on his head realizing he just messed with the wrong guy.