If Only Heaven Were an Open Source Sports Network...

In a recent column honoring the unique contributions of Bleacher Report’s writers (Michael Venning dubbed the honors as the BRAs), Erick Blasco correctly pointed out that Senior Writer and Editing Guru Ryan Alberti should win a BRA for his editing prowess. 

I agreed and suggested that Alberti was similar to the folklore version of St. Peter. 

Just as Peter allegedly sits at the pearly gates of heaven and helps determine who enters, Alberti has the final say on all articles, and therefore determines which articles grace the front pages—and which sentences get the storied em-dash.    

Always ready with a quip, Alberti responded, “If only heaven were an open source network…”    

And that got me thinking.    

If heaven was in fact an open source sports network:

- Anonymous comments would praise the writer’s work, citing strong stylistic value, solid grammatical structure, sound and credible research, and unbiased writing. 

- The Raider Nation would not have a monopoly in the “Most Popular” section.    

- Every Ohio State article would not draw 8,000 expletive-driven comments.    

- Ohio State fans would not continually incite 8,000 expletive-driven comments with pompous in-your-face THE Ohio State nonsensical rhetoric.     

- Any picture you ever wanted would be in the site’s library of photos. 

- The “Site is being updated—it’ll be back shortly” page would never appear on your screen. 

- Bleacher Report t-shirts, lunchboxes, hoodies, basketball shorts, sweatbands, flash drives, and toothbrushes would be given away for free.

- Stories about 18-year-old high school athletes would never be written. 

- One of the four founders of the site would be mean for once—just so we know they’re human.  

- SEC fans and Big 10 fans would celebrate their teams’ differences, ignoring blanket conference statements such as “too much speed,” “smash-mouth football,” and “redneck fan base,” among others.   

- Periods would always be tucked nicely inside of quotation marks.  And commas, too. 

- The “two Daves” would get their due credit and actually be referred to by their first and last names. 

- Jux Berg would permanently take Mike Greenberg’s place on “Mike and Mike in the Morning.”

And since this column is a tribute to Alberti, I must end it accordingly, Bubba. 

Recall that this is only my brief version of a heavenly open source sports network, and within the limits of my own working brain have I resorted to just saying, is all...