The NFL offseason seems to get shorter each year, but still is a time for unbridled enthusiasm.
With that in mind, I'd like to present you my dream season for my beloved Oakland Raiders. In no way do any grudges I may hold over the past 35-plus years of devotion sway my emotions.
April 26-27 - Draft weekend
Darren McFadden is still available at No. 4 and is proud to model his black jersey in NYC. After that, I'm really not educated enough to comment on other college players, and don't like to pretend I do, as far too many NFL fans do. I would love to see us pick up a pass-rushing DE and maybe an OG in the later rounds.
Week 1 - Houston @ Oakland
As a raucous full house cheers on a revamped Raider defense, the "O" steals the show, as full-time starting QB JaMarcus Russell throws for 3 TDs and 326 yards including a 73-yard touchdown pass to newly acquired Javon Walker. It is Oakland's first win against the Texans in team history.
Week 2 - Oakland @ Baltimore
In early-third-quarter action with the score tied at 10, Ray Lewis is carted from the field after a Zach Miller knee to the head leaves him unable to continue. Miller is the recipient of a Russell 17-yard touchdown pass in the fourth quarter, proving to be the difference in a defensive battle. Oakland prevails 17-13, with second year Russell improving day by day.
Week 3 - Oakland @ Denver
Pre-game warm-ups prove to be hazardous, when at the direction of Mr. Davis, a down and out fastball from Russell splits the nose of head coach Mike Shanahan. Though purely an innocent mistake, the ferret-faced coach Shanahan can be heard screaming profanities at Mr. Davis on his was to the trainer's room. Oakland wins the game 20-10 on a combined 216-yard rushing effort from RBs Michael Bush and McFadden.
Week 4 - Carolina @ Oakland
DeAngelo "Fall"? Not hardly, as newly acquired CB DeAngelo Hall limits WR Steve Smith to two catches for 17 yards while returning an INT 66 yards for a TD, helping the Raiders hold on to a 24-23 victory.
Week 5 - Oakland @ San Diego
With the usual 25 percent of this crowd cheering for the Silver and Black, things turn a bit ugly. After a rare Russell interception, C Jake Grove is ejected from the game after dashing to the San Diego sideline and beating QB Philip Rivers within an inch of his life.
His ejection and personal foul proves costly, as the Chargers squeak out a 17-16 victory. In a postgame interview, Grove is quoted as saying "That whiny-ass punk was talking smack to my quarterback. You just don't do that to one of ours."
Week 6 - Kansas City @ Oakland
In a game reminiscent of AFL years gone by, the Chiefs and Raiders put on an offensive spectacle.
With Kansas City leading 48-45, the Raiders march 87 yards in the game's final 1:26, leaving them with a fourth and goal from the Chiefs one-yard line and three ticks remaining on the clock. Stunning the crowd, Oakland bypasses a chip-shot FG and delivers the knockout blow with a McFadden waltz into the end zone behind soon to be All-Pro T Robert Gallery. Final score Oakland 52, Kansas City 48.
Week 7 - New York Jets @ Oakland
The bye week proved to be fruitful, as the Raiders came out blazing. With touchdown receptions from WRs Ronald Curry and Johnnie Lee Higgins, and a three-sack performance from DE Jay Richardson, Oakland completely dominates the hapless Jets in a 34-6 beatdown.
Week 8 - Oakland @ Tampa Bay
FS Michael Huff continues his Pro-Bowl season by intercepting Bucs QB Jeff Garcia three times. Walker goes for 191 combined yards, including a 71-yard end around on the game's first offensive play. The 31-16 Oakland victory marks only the second loss of the season for the Buccaneers, who lose RB Carnell "Cadillac" Williams for a second straight year with a torn MCL.
Week 9 - Oakland @ Miami
RB Justin Fargas, who seemed to be the forgotten man in the Raiders’ backfield this season, explodes for 129 yard on 23 carries in a lopsided 31-13 Oakland victory.
Week 10 - Denver @ Oakland
A close-fought battle turns ironic, as with the game tied at 13 and time running out, the aforementioned rodent-resembling coach of the Broncos calls for a timeout just as K Sebastian Janikowski sets his plant foot for a game-winning FG.
As luck would have it, the timeout was honored and Janikowski's missed 44-yarder is negated. Subsequently, the combined laughter of 62,000 laughing fans ushers Shanahan out of the stadium in humility, following a 16-13 Raider victory.
Week 11 - Oakland @ New Orleans
QB Drew Brees hooks up with recently added TE Jeremy Shockey for two touchdown grabs, as the Saints edge the Raiders 21-20. Russell is suspended for the game due to missing a team meeting the day before. He was photographed on Bourbon Street dancing with six Saints cheerleaders.
Week 12 - Atlanta @ Oakland
Hall shows his former employers what they let get away. His three INTs, along with two more from SS Gibril Wilson, prompted Atlanta to bench QB Chris Redman in the third quarter. Bush rushed for 98 yards in a 27-0 Oakland shutout.
Week 13 - New England @ Oakland
Russell's 3-TD, 343 yard performance is outshined by Tom Brady. The Patriots’ QB torched the Raiders’ secondary for 412 yards and 4 TDs on the way to a New England 42-38 win. Brady is then struck in the helmet with a "D" cell battery while leaving the field by a well-quenched member of the Black Hole.
Week 14 - Oakland @ Kansas City
Newly named starting Chiefs RB LaMont Jordan is stymied by the Raiders’ defense. His 22 carries for 15 yards is a career-low average for Jordan. McFadden muscles for 162 yards on 17 carries in the 23-7 Oakland win.
Week 15 - San Diego @ Oakland
Avenging a week five loss, the Raiders’ offensive line proved to be the difference in a 27-14 victory. Four Raider RBs combined for 271 yards rushing in a demoralizing day for the Chargers defense. Coach Norv Turner was struck in the head with a "D" cell battery upon leaving the field. Should've had a helmet.
Week 16 - Oakland @ Buffalo
In a snowy season finale, Russell is benched due to ineffectiveness in the second quarter. Offseason addition QB Chris Simms' two touchdown passes along with Fargas' 138 yards rushing help Oakland beat the Bills 24-14, ending the regular season with a conference-best 13-3 record.
Divisional playoff - Cincinnati @ Oakland
In the first playoff game in Oakland since the 2002 AFC Championship game, the Raiders do not disappoint. LBs Thomas Howard and Kirk Morrison each intercept QB Carson Palmer on the way to a convincing 31-13 Oakland victory.
AFC Championship - New England @ Oakland
Nervous Raider fans watch as referee Walt Coleman is introduced to the crowd. With no snow to impair his vision, he correctly calls a Brady fumble as such recovered for a touchdown by DE Derrick Burgess. An ominous chant of "FUCK THE TUCK" echoes throughout the coliseum, as the delirious crowd enjoys the 27-23 win over the defending AFC champions.
Super Bowl XLIII - Tampa Bay vs. Oakland
Stunned by the news of a six-year homosexual relationship between head coach Jon Gruden and GM Bruce Allen, the Buccaneers lay an egg. Russell enjoys his finest day as a pro. His 452 yards passing earn him MVP honors on the way to an Oakland 41-9 trampling of the NFC champs.
Like I said, it's a time for unbridled enthusiasm.
Please keep in mind that this was written in gest, and before the official schedule was released.
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6 months ago
Nice Article But I would like to have Byron Leftwich,Daunte culpepper, or even aaron brooks as a capable backup for the raiders.
Darren McFadden?....I Have a feelin its gholston or long this upcoming draft and plus we have enough running backs and michael bush is goin to beast!!!!
GO RAIDERS!!!!
6 months ago
That was throughly entertaining! Dreams can come true!
I'M STILL IN!!!
6 months ago
you BLEED silver and black
6 months ago
I like it!!!!! Hey it could happen! "IM STILL IN TOO"
6 months ago
That was great, especially liked the part about Gruden and Allen... Great...
GO RAIDERS!!
6 months ago
That was great, especially liked the part about Gruden and Allen... Great...
GO RAIDERS!!
6 months ago
Nice.... I like the part about sticking it to the Chiefs late in the game, going for the winner instead of OT. Here's hoping that the dream can come to at least partial fruition.....GO RAIDERS!! I'M IN..........
I WILL......
6 months ago
Lol that was great, thanks for that!
6 months ago
Thats good but here's my view... The Draft (Long,Gholston,Dorsey,Ellis) in that order,who is on the board at #4 is going to be our pick.. My reason:Al is pissed,the run will be stopped.I know we got some D-Line help but it's not enough as we all know everyone that play's the Raiders brings thier A-Game...As for the season we will not lose a home game that means NE,NY,ATL,CAR,HOU,SD,DEN and KC will be handed losses..Away games will be like this BAL,DEN,MIA and TB will be wins for the Raiders. KC and SD at home will win on some stupid play or call at the end of the game now for New Orleans, someone's relative,dog,cat or whatever will die or it will be the first game back in the Superdome for some odd reason and the whole team will rally around and squeek out a win over the Raiders..Last at Buffallo we will be jet lagged from the 3rd trip to the east coast and be handed a loss.. With that being said a 12-4 record and playoff bound will make me very happy...GO RAIDERS
6 months ago
Its nice to dream big, but the only thing I truly dream about is our return to glory and respectability. I want teams who play us to truly fear us. In the glory days of past , our Raiders were like sharks in the water circling waiting for the blood. When we get our killer instinct back the Raiders will truly be great once again. This upcoming season I have the feeling that teams are going to underestimate us and hopefully we can pull upsets and have a playoff berth. Raider Nation's time is coming and payback is a Silver and Black Bitch ! Iam so looking forward to hosting those choke artists from the East Coast the FAKE-RIOTS and god willing total Raider domination. There are so many teams on my radar that I want payback on, but I have to wait. The wait is going to kill me I swear..Raider Nation BABY !!
6 months ago
Instead of the Bungles it should be the chargers gettin torched in the opening round of the playoffs. JMTC
6 months ago
The Kraken Loves it !!! VIVA LOS MALOSOS !!!!! <----- LONG LIVE THE RAIDERS !!!!!!!!!!!!
The Kraken has Spoken !!
6 months ago
lame
6 months ago
THAT WAS AWSOME!!! WHAT A GREAT READ TO START THE DAY!.....THE GUARDIAN
6 months ago
Nice job! Very entertaining. I would love to have Chris Simms as our backup. My favorite part though was the Russell thing in New Orleans with the six cheerleaders. That was funny!
6 months ago
what about gibril wilson knocking out randy moss' two front teeth and then the whole team running onto the field to pee on him after everybody drank a gallon of gatorade each before the game started. That's my dream scenario for the NE game. Next year randy moss will regret giving up on the S&B and wish he could play with russell
from 6 months ago
Comment of the day!!
6 months ago
AWESOME. Battery in the head....splitting Shanahan's nose, field goal after TO. Not to mention the Gruden gay thing. Too much. Thanks
6 months ago
Nice!
I'm All In!
Keep The Faith!
oh you missed Al Davis Kicking Adam Scheftner in the head as he tries to come up the stairs to get on the podium in the Super Bowl post game show then saying " this ones for AL"
from 6 months ago
LOL!!!
6 months ago
That was entertaining!
6 months ago
Entertaining!
This was the guy's dream season!
Can't you read ?
This was not his forcast for the 2008 season!
The guy was having some fun and there's nothing wrong with that!
Besides why live your life by what some other fan says about your team?
I know it's been tough lattly but you can pull your head out of the sand we will be good this year!
The luck be what it might 8-8 or 10-6. We could've been 8-8 last year if we could get one officiating crw to come in and call the game as it was not as they wanted it to be!
Keep the faith!
section 116 row 11 seats 12 and 13
seeya' at the house of thrills!
6 months ago
Very entertaining regardless of what the anonymous life long Raider fan above says. He doesn't even know that we play the Broncos in week 1, not the Patriots. At least you prefaced that the article was written before the schedule came out.
Good Job
Allen and Gruden, that's funny!
Junior
6 months ago
I laughed outloud several times while I read this stuff, even though there is literally no chance of it coming true. I am sure that most of us folks who actually read this thing are lifelong Raider fans, and we are all bitter about the last 5 years, but why be a big old stinky bitch about it and insult the guy who wrote it. It was for entertainment purposes only, but apparently some people take their "dreams" a little to seriously. I like our offseason moves to the point that we are finally starting to have different names on our roster than we have for the past 5 years. At the very least we have a legitamate new hope, and I will be proud to spend my hard earned $ on tix again this year. Peace Out Nation
Peglegged Raider
6 months ago
Its your dream to have the patriots beat us? Tom (the f***ot b*tch) Brady doesnt stand a chance against our defense. Moss wont get past asomugha, whover is on the other side wont get past hall. the line backers and safties will destroy wes welker. the d-line will destroy Tom (the f***ot b*tch) Brady. Raiders win 35 - 10.
6 months ago
Bruce Allen finds out superbowl weekend that Chuckie is having 3 way sex with Jeff Garcia and Mike Alstott while Malcom Glazer watches and pleasures himself. Its getting ugly in tampon bay. :)
6 months ago
F**k the tuck!!!!
Hillarious!!!! Great line and great article.
6 months ago
F**k the tuck!!!!
Hillarious!!!! Great line and great article.
6 months ago
Dreams do come true..
6 months ago
Graci, that's some Good Shit bro! The homo bit was un-called for, but i got a new phrase "well-quenched" F**king hilarious
6 months ago
Funny article!!
6 months ago
Yeah I was wrong. We play the Broncos in Oakland on Monday Night Football. You guy's got me there. But this article was stupid. You guy's sound like a bunch of Eagles fans with this mindless wishful thinking. Everyone in my state is an Eagles fan. And every year no matter who they have they actually think that they are going to the Super Bowl. They also say and write dumb articles like this guy and they really actually believe it. I was wrong about our opening game being against the Patriots. But who cares. All I know is that the Broncos are starting the 2008 season 0-1 when the Raiders kick the living shit out of them in the Black Hole. Raiders 27 Broncos 13. Monday Night BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This article was very funny but who ever wrote it should lay off the LSD for a while.
6 months ago
I'm surrounded by Eagles fans who can't face the fact that my Raiders handed them a beat down in the Super Bowl. Every day someone says something. My reply is "1980 Super Bowl" "Your Sea-gulls lost"
6 months ago
I'm surrounded by Eagles fans who can't face the fact that my Raiders handed them a beat down in the Super Bowl. Every day someone says something. My reply is "1980 Super Bowl" "Your Sea-gulls lost"
6 months ago
THAT was funny.
6 months ago
Awesome read! Loved the part about the rat getting his grill smashed by a bullet pass from JR.
6 months ago
The entertainment value in the article was top notch. Thanx for the laughs. That one guy takes this site way to serious and himself.
6 months ago
Very nice article, even though it's all false (well, we can all hope that JR does beam ShanaRAT in the face on accident.). D-cell batteries!! And FUCK THE TUCK!!!!
6 months ago
Sorry for being an ass-hole Raider Bob and everyone here. It was an entertaining article. Didn't mean to spoil the fun.
6 months ago
How about this for a dream season game? In the Monday Night Opener against the Broncos. Derrick Burgess sacks QB Jay Cutler and snaps his fucking neck. Then Cutler fumbles and LB Thomas Howard picks up the ball and high-steps it into the end-zone. Then when the game is over. Some crazy Raider fan(let's just call him "ME") puts a rag in Denver's team bus and sets it aflame. Killing every single one of the Broncos players while us Raider fans roast marshmellows. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6 months ago
Dude you should drink decaf.
6 months ago
decaf and read the freaking schedule bra
6 months ago
As an avid football fan, but not a raiders fan i found this very entertaining. Everyone should love their team this much.
6 months ago
other then the part about brady being nailed by a D battery (avid pats fan) this was very entertaining, it's good to see some humor in the often dry world of sports writing, funny stuff (ok fine the part with the battery was funny, 27-23 raiders over pats is where I draw the line lol)
peace
6 months ago
Derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!! Okay BRA
6 months ago
We will beat the Patriots(unless they CHEAT) Tom Brady throws 3 INT's and gets sacked 4 times. The Raiders win in the Black Hole 28-23.
6 months ago
I'd rather be a fan of a team that sucks. Than a fan of a team that CHEATS. The Patriots are "AMERICA'S TEAM" cause they cheat. America's all about cheating. look at Major League Baseball/ Marion Jones in the Olympics/ The Patriots/ and President George Bush with the Florida votes scandal/ U.S Senators cheating on their wives with prostitutes/ and we are all being cheated out of our hard earned money with the gas prices. So yeah the Patriots can be "AMERICA'S TEAM" you can have that. The Oakland Raiders are a real fans team. But at least we don't have a prissy pretty boy GAP clothes wearing closet Faget QB like Tom Brady. And a NO CLASS lying cheating asshole coach like Bill Bilechek. And a blunt smoking scumbag and running over police officers team wrecking WR like Randy Moss. I never liked Moss. Even when he played for us. He was a multi-million $$$ team cancer. You can have all that shit BRA!!!( were you calling me "BRO" or Bra?) Only women and Tom Brady's wear BRAS.
from 6 months ago
dudes, chill out, I was joking around, besides... the Raiders are one of the most historically cheap teams in NFL history so far be it from you to preach to me about ethics (giants fans, this is your cue). and about Tom Brady being a chick... the man dated 2 models and an actress in 1.5 years... ya real gay ain't he?
America's team is clearly Dallas btw, plus Belichick technically never lied about a thing, when he was asked by Goodell for more on spygate, he admitted to having done it since '06 and turned over the tapes, unti Matt Walsh turns over some real evidence (if he has it, ok you got me but he hasn't actually proven anything) nothing beyond assumptions and innuendo pertain to anything before '06... and don't talk to me about being a real fan... did you see the Pats in the mid '90s!?!? they were about as awful as the Rams were this year
last thing... I never said Bra, wtf r u guys talkin about with that?
6 months ago
Good article on raiders and Darren Mcfadden
http://bigbenlivingroom.blogspot.com/
6 months ago
come on now...we all know the raiders will never be taken seriously again
6 months ago
...or their fans for that matter
6 months ago
you're right i will...
6 months ago
I agree that if the Raiders played Cincinnati they would win.
Only problem there is that the Bengals won't be near the playoffs this season..
How about knocking off Cleveland, Jacksonville, Indianapolis or San Diego instead?
As for the rest, anything is possible...look who won the SB this year...
6 months ago
Tom Cruise dates alot of hot chicks. But he's a closet fag just like Tom Brady. And your calling my Raiders cheap. Have you seen how much money Al Davis has spent. And your saying your time of being a Patriots fan in the 90's was hard. They went to the Super Bowl dumb ass. You don't even know your teams history. Your probably one of those Patriots fan that don't even live in Massechucetts . Just another fucking bandwagon fan. You probably grew up a Buffalo Bills fan and couldn't take the losing anymore so you switched. trust me Tom Brady likes the dick.
from 6 months ago
Ok first off... not cheap by money cheap by tactic and that you can't deny, also, ya we went in '97... but you don't know what it was like before that idiot... in '95 Victor Kiam had just finished killing our team and Bledsoe was still the only good player on that team. The pats also went 1-15 in 1990... it hasn't been a bed of roses and you know it.
6 months ago
Tom Cruise dates alot of hot chicks. But he's a closet fag just like Tom Brady. And your calling my Raiders cheap. Have you seen how much money Al Davis has spent. And your saying your time of being a Patriots fan in the 90's was hard. They went to the Super Bowl dumb ass. You don't even know your teams history. Your probably one of those Patriots fan that don't even live in Massechucetts . Just another fucking bandwagon fan. You probably grew up a Buffalo Bills fan and couldn't take the losing anymore so you switched. trust me Tom Brady likes the dick.
6 months ago
Tom Brady stuck his dick so far up Tedi Brushci's ass that Tedi had a fuckin' stroke. And Bill Bilechek jerked off in the corner watching them and VIDEO TAPED it. LOL
6 months ago
That's why the commissioner destroyed the "TAPES". He saw that one and many others. LOL
6 months ago
CUM'ING SOON TO DVD!!!!!!!!! "1 NIGHT IN BRUSCHI" Starring: Tom Brady Tedi Bruschi and Bill Billechek RATED XXX Also Available on DVD!!!!!!!! "HALF-BAKED 2" Starring: Randy Moss and Kevin Faulk RATED R
6 months ago
Tell em' how it is RAIDER BOB!!!
6 months ago
LOL. You wouldn't say IDIOT to my face. I promise you that.... What are you? Some kind of internet tough guy? I'd bury you muthafucka. Anyway talk is fuckin' cheap. The bottom line is the 90's couldn't have been that bad if they went to the Super Bowl.
from 6 months ago
oh hell yeah it could've been man, how is the 21st century for you guys... o wait you guys made the super bowl it couldn't have been that bad, the pats did have a similar stretch of mediocrity from '87 to '93 and again after the super bowl in 96-97... I really didn't want to continue this but I had to defend my team after being made fun of for a totally innocuous comment, and by the way your right talk is cheap so yours is as well by your definition, if you were here... rest assured I would have had some choice words for you, to say the least... I just didn't deem it necessary to cuss you out
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