What It Was, Was Football

Eric QuackenbushSenior Analyst IMarch 31, 2009

During the offseason, I get a little bored with the day-to-day's of player exchanges, and the erratic rumors that fly around the NFL.

I was condensing some belongings in a few boxes, and came across a comedy CD by Andy Griffith, which I hadn't listened to in a long time.

For those of you who may not be familiar with Andy Griffith, he was the Sheriff of Mayberry in the Andy Griffith Show and he also played the lead role in the television series Matlock to name a couple.

Anyway, I wanted to share a little humor with you from The Wit & Wisdom of Andy Griffith.


I believe it was last October; we were going to hold a tent service off at this college town, and we got there about dinner time on Saturday.

Upon arriving, we figured we'd go get ourselves a mouthful to eat before we set up the tent.

So we got off the truck, and followed this little bunch of people through this small, little-bitty patch of woods there, where we came upon a big sign that says "Get something to eat here."

So I went up and got two hot dogs and a big orange drink. Before I could take every mouthful of that food, this whole crowd of people came up around me...And they got me to where I couldn't finish eating, and I dropped my big orange drink!... I did!

Well, friends, they continued to move, and there wasn't a whole lot I could do, but move with them...through all kinds of doors, and gates, and what-not!

I looked up over one of the people in the crowd and there's a big sign that says "North Gate."

And we kept on going, and pretty soon we come up on a boy, and he says, "Ticket please!" And I said, "Friend, I don't have a ticket! I don't even know where it is that I'm going!...I did!

Well, he says, "Come out as quick as you can!" And I said "I will, I'll turn around the first chance I get!"

Well, we kept on moving through there, and soon everybody got to where they were going, because they parted, and I could see pretty good!...I could!

And what I saw was this whole bunch of people sitting on these two banks, and looking at one-another across this pretty little green cow pasture.

Well, they were! And somebody had taken and drawn lines all over it, and drove posts in it, and I don't know what-all!...they had!

And I looked down there, and I saw five or six convicts running up and down and blowing whistles!...they were!

And I saw these pretty girls wearing these little-bitty short dresses, and dancing around. So I sat down to see what was going to happen!...I did!

About the time I got seated, I looked down and I saw 30 or 40 men come running out one end of a great big outhouse down there!...they did!

And everybody where I was sitting, they got up and hollered. And about that time, 30 or 40 come running out the other end of that outhouse.

And the other bankful, they got up and hollered. And I asked this man sitting next to me, "Friend, what is it that they're hollering for?"

Well, he slapped me on the back and he said, "Buddy, have a drink! Well," I said, "I believe I will have another big orange!", and I got it!...I did!

And when I sat back down, I saw that those men had gotten into two little-bitty bunches down there!...They had! Really close, and they voted!...they did!

They elected one man apiece, and those two men came out in the middle of that cow pasture and shook hands like they hadn't seen one-another in a long time.

Then a convict came over to where the two of them were standing, and he took out a quarter, and they commenced to "odd-man" right there!...they did!

Then I saw what it was they were odd-manning for! It was that both of those bunches of men wanted this funny-looking little punkin' to play with! They did, and I know they couldn't eat it, friends, because they kicked it the whole evening, and it never busted!

Anyway, what I was saying was both bunches wanted that thing, and one bunch got it! And it made the other bunch just as mad as they could be!

Friends, I saw that evening the worst fight that I have ever seen in my life! They'd run at one-another, throw one-another down, stomp on one-another, grind their feet in one-another, and I don't know what-all! And just as fast as one of them would get hurt, they'd tote him off and run another one on...

Well, they did that as long as I sat there. But pretty soon this boy that had said "Ticket, please!", he came up to me and said, "Friend, you're going to have to leave, because you don't have a ticket!", and I said, "Well, alright!", and got up and left.

...I did!

I don't know, friends, to this day what it was they were doing down there! But I have studied about it, and I think that it's some kind of contest where they see which bunch of men can take that punkin' and run from one end of that cow pasture to the other, without getting either knocked down...or stepping in something!