NFL Rules Changes: Great News for the New York Jets!! (Satire)

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NFL Rules Changes: Great News for the New York Jets!! (Satire)
(Photo by Rick Stewart/Getty Images)

Kris Jenkins, get up off the ground you have to stand up to tackle!!

 

Well as our new ferocious head coach Rex Ryan was toting about how vicious our defense would be, behind closed doors the NFL was developing a plan to penalize our new organized chaos before the first snap.

Bart Scott declared the new Jets "D" would be violent, grrrr. The owners committee has already threw the flag on that, resulting in a 15 year penalty to be enforced in our first game.

First off any defense can no longer use their helmets, shoulders, or forearms to tackle a defenseless receiver. So if a opposing receiver is about to catch the ball and he doesn't see the defender the nearest defender should basically dropkick him.

Ruling out helmets and basically anything else on the upper body the defenders legs are all they have left.

Secondly, the "wedge" has been ruled out, the NFL has no problem with cheese, they do have a problem with three or more blockers lined up to block. This makes total sense, the kickoff team could in reality have 10 giant men running full speed to tackle the returner.

The NFL should definitely make it easier for the tacklers to close-line the returner at full speed. One of the most entertaining plays in sports is a punt/kickoff return, the five-yard returns that we'll watch now should be pretty amazing, too. To top it off, this will be a 15-yard penalty enforced from the spot of the wedge, cheesheads better find some new head gear.

Neon Leon could be in trouble here.

Thirdly, and best of all, if a defender is knocked to the ground, he can not grab or touch or even look at the quarterback wrong. The Tom Baby rule is great news for QB's, if you see a defender on the ground run up to him, kick him, step on him, stand on him to throw the ball if you want: The defender is completely useless.

At the rate the the Competition Committee is going the QB might as well be surrounded by a 10x10 foot cage and equipped with a stun gun just in case some defender gets too close. Defensive coordinators might as well put one defensive tackle on the line and have five linebackers and five d'backs.

The last rule change is for onside kicks, the players being protected by this rule are vital to the organization and to home depot's across the country. The committee was queezy from watching violent collisions during onside kicks. I can't blame them, this is the NFL, after all, not some violent sport like baseball.

At this point I don't know why NFL players have to wear helmets, they might as well just rock some oakley's and be done with it.

I only made this a Jets issue because this year our "D was going to "Play though the whistle." If the Jets defense does decide to play some real football and try and tackle with their arms, shoulders, or heaven forbid a helmet, the yellow flags will be flying.

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