The Rundown: Recapping The Week That Was In WWE

Peter LangeCorrespondent IMarch 8, 2009

Oh, what a night! Day! Week!

Como la playa por el reloj de arena, tan son los días de nuestras vidas...

And, by the way, kudos to those of you who had the Buffalo Bills in your Terrell Owens office pool. Seriously, who saw THAT one coming?

So here we are, just 28 days from WrestleMania. Exciting, isn’t it? I can almost smell the ribs on the grill, the beans on the stove top, and the beers being passed around by one Stone Cold Steve Austin after he stomps a mud-hole in the former Ayatollah of Rock & Rolla! But let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

Jerry “The King” Lawler kicked off Raw this week with a huge, earth-shattering, spine-tingling, mind-numbing announcement regarding the World Heavyweight Championship. Now, if you recorded Raw and have not yet seen it, please plug your ears cause I don’t want to spoil this for you. Edge would be defending his title against…Goldust! No, wait, that’s not right. Kizarny? Okay, one last guess: John Cena? Really? Wow, that’s exciting…

I don’t want to say that we’ve seen this match-up so many times already, but even the Israelis and Palestinians are saying, “…enough, already.”

In all seriousness, though, it’s hard enough for me to get excited about seeing these two at WrestleMania, let alone another meaningless Championship match on Raw. We all knew going in that Edge would somehow get himself disqualified, and that Cena would show up on Smackdown to gain retribution, and that somehow Cena would work himself into the Main Event at WM25. Wait, I guess we didn’t all know that, because there was speculation on Bleacher Report that Cena would end up in the MITB Ladder Match instead. [Insert buzzer sound] Sorry, try again.

I love Edge, and I can somewhat tolerate John Cena…and Big Show, well, he seems like a nice enough guy. The whole situation does make you wonder what will happen AFTER WrestleMania. My opinion all along has been that Cena will go to SD in exchange for Triple H. But with the splintering of Edge and Vickie, I would assume that Edge and Show would have some sort of feud, possibly involving the WHC as well. Which leaves Cena to feud with…Kozlov?

Oh, Chris Jericho. My boy. Favorite wrestler on the face of this planet. Chris, listen to me. If you’re going to be a pompous, arrogant ass, can’t you at least be funny and entertaining too? I know, I know. You can’t be everything to everyone. But Chris, I hate your hair. I hate that you started wearing shorts rather than tights because it makes you look even shorter than you already are. The Codebreaker is nice, but bring back the Walls. And bring back The Highlight Reel. I miss the Jeritron. Maybe, Chris, you could volunteer to be drafted to Smackdown to feud with John Cena. Wouldn’t that be more fun than picking on defenseless, old Legends week after week? You do realize that you will be on the receiving end of a Stone Cold Stunner in a few weeks, don’t you?
You’re the best at what you do, Chris, you just need to refocus your wrath and your scorn on a more worthy target. Say it with me now: J-o-h-n C-e-n-a. Thanks, Chris.

Have any of you ever tried to watch this garbage they have up on, the original programming? Everybody knows about The Dirt Sheet and Santino’s Casa, but I actually sat through something called “Top Rope Theater,” starring Mickie James (I love you, Mickie!) and Kelly. Kelly. Kelly Kelly. It’s almost as if TNA’s writers are coming up with these segments. If you seriously have nothing better to do with these people than to produce these horrific videos, here are some ideas:

1. Expand ECW to two hours, and put these people in matches!
2. Bring back the Nitro Girls, and/or Kelly’s Expose, and/or those old swimsuit/fashion contests that you seemingly had every other week.
3. Bring back WCW Thunder to Thursday nights.
4. Get Vickie Guererro off TV! I know this has nothing to do with anything, but I’m just saying…

The Boogeyman, Marty Wright, was released this past week. I disagree with this move. Boogey was different, unique, and entertaining. Would he ever have won a championship? Probably not. But neither will Festus or Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and they still have jobs. And neither of them is nearly as distinct. Here’s to you, Boogeyman…

The WWE and Kmart announced an exclusive marketing partnership this week. And really, what says power and success more than a nearly bankrupt, third-tier department store?

Future World Heavyweight Champion Vladimir Kozlov visited Turkey this past week, and dropped by the set of “Wheel of Fortune.” Rather than picking up an extra turn by landing on the Free Spin slot, contestants would be eliminated by a Kozlov headbutt-of-doom. When asked why he visited the Turkish version of the show rather than the Hollywood version hosted by Pat Sajak and Vanna White, Vladimir responded, “I want better competition.”

Interesting Fact of the Week: Vlad’s real name is Oleg Aleksandrovich Prudius. And now you know!

Kane is going back to the MITB match. I believe I had that. Unfortunately for the Big Red Monster, I have looked into my crystal ball and have seen that M.V.P. will walk away from this match victorious.

Mark Henry also won a spot in MITB, which I found perplexing. Not that Santino would have made a better choice, but Henry just doesn’t seem to belong here. Sure, he’s a big man like Kane, but Kane moves well, and his size his more proportionate. I may be going out on a limb here, but this could be a swerve planted by WWE. What if someone else, i.e. Evan Bourne, were to challenge Henry for his spot and somehow take it away. Granted, Bourne is just an example, so you can talk amongst yourselves as to who else might step in, but I think that we shouldn’t rule this scenario out.

Staying on ECW for a moment…I really can’t stand Jack Swagger. Just thought I should throw that out there. Don’t get me wrong, I can see his obvious talent, I just don’t like him, and I don’t think that he should have won even the ECW title so quickly.
Speaking of the ECW title, something that I just thought of that has been bothering me, and hopefully someone here can help me out with this. Remember a couple years back, when Bobby Lashley was ECW Champion and he was drafted to Raw and therefore forced to relinquish his title? Well, perhaps my memory is incorrect, but wasn’t CM Punk ECW Champion during last year’s draft, and I don’t remember him surrendering his belt…

I left a brief comment on AkD’s The Nickel: The Deadman Speaks, Smackdown Rolls On regarding my thoughts on this week’s episode of Smackdown. I’m going to take this opportunity to further elaborate. First of all, Undertaker’s show-opening promo was unusual because, as The Deadman himself stated, he typically does not talk about The Streak. That, and he sounded very generic and unlike himself. It does get somewhat silly and repetitive when all you talk about is death and destruction and hell and resting in piece, but come on, you’re The Undertaker. We’ve come to expect that from you! The buildup to this match, however, feels very strong, and it’s the type of match I like to see because we don’t know who will win. It really could go either way. I’m expecting the bells to toll on Raw in the upcoming weeks, and we may even see the Showstopper on Friday nights. Let the mind games begin!

As for other happenings on Smackdown, John Cena whispered sweet nothings in Vickie Guerrero’s ear, and we saw the continued escalation of…something happening with the Divas. I thought I had this all figured out a couple of weeks back when I predicted that the Women’s Champion would face the Diva’s Champion at WrestleMania. But with Michelle McCool (blah) getting herself involved in the mess, it makes me wonder. Will there be some sort of Champion v Champion match, or are all of these women just going to go at it in the Divas Battle Royal? My guess is the latter, because I have a really hard time coming up with 25 other women to participate in that match. I’m still frustrated by WWE’s use of the Divas, to be honest with you. These women put in a lot of hard work and effort every year, and yet they are all lumped together and thrown into some meaningless mirage of a match on the biggest stage of them all. Let them showcase their talents. Showcase at least one, if not two, women’s matches every year. There are now two championships in the women’s division, so let’s see them defended. Same goes for the United States and Intercontinental titles. Shelton Benjamin is a damn good worker, and could have some truly legendary matches if given the opportunity. Ditto for CM Punk. I’m not a huge Punk fan, but the guy puts it all on the line night after night, and for my money, is one of the best sellers in the business. These belts used to be distinguished, and I know I echo the sentiments of many here when I long for those days again.
Rumor has it, though, that Molly Holly and Sunny will both be appearing at WM, and it leads me to wonder who else will be there. Easy guesses would be Victoria, Trish Stratus, and, of course, Mae Young, but who else would you like to see return in the Divas Battle Royal? My heart has always been with Lita…

Legacy also made an appearance on SD this week, “ambushing” Triple H during his match with Umaga. The whole thing felt lackluster and disappointing to me. On one hand, I get it. Randy Orton is a viper, a snake in the grass, a vulture if you will. He takes his time, picks his spots, and then attacks. I get that, and I thoroughly enjoy Orton, always have. But Legacy feels week. The attack on Triple H looked torpid, and in my opinion really damaged any credibility the group had, which was very little to begin with, after Shane O’Mac pulverized them a few weeks back. If this group is to succeed, which from all indications is WWE’s intention, they need a defining moment, something that will take them up to the next level. Some might argue that their recent actions have done that, but those actions—the attacks on Vince, Shane, Stephanie, and now Hunter—have all been Orton’s deeds, not Legacy’s. This feud between H and Orton also has that interesting dynamic in that the result is not as calculable as it may appear. Many weeks ago, after the punt to Vince, some of us thought that it was all a setup and that either Shane or Steph might reveal themselves to be Orton’s accomplice. The results of the past couple of weeks have led me to believe that H would successfully defend his title at WM, but what if he doesn’t? We all agree that the story will not end there, but what twists and turns lie around the bend?  I have this feud taking up most of 2009, possibly even extending past SummerSlam. I also believe that Triple H could be in line for a heel turn this year. Could this affect Orton and Legacy, or will it be a separate event?

I would be remiss if I did not mention the continuing saga of brother v brother (who doesn’t acknowledge the other brother as his brother), Jeff Hardy and Matt Hardy. I honestly could not be more…indifferent to this situation. I guess the reason for this is that at the end of the day, we know that these guys are still brothers, still best friends, and that makes this whole thing completely ridiculous and unbelievable. WWE really dropped the ball on this one in their attempt to shock us. I just don’t care. I like both of them, but I’m not ready to part with fifty dollars to watch their “grudge” match. Especially when you consider that a year or two years from now, they will have their big reunion tour and all will be well in the land of Hardy again. I just hope that they don’t bring in Gil (Papa Hardy) to further enhance the family feud.

That just about does it for The Rundown, my very first article here on Bleacher Report. The first of many, I hope. Thanks to all of you who read my rant, and let me know what you think. Special thanks also to my friends and fans (I had fans before I even released my first article: Can you believe that?!).

Until next time…do your social work on the outside!