Miami Dolphins Land Big Fish (Humor)
According to Sports Radio WQAM 560 AM in Miami, Miami Dolphins Executive Vice President of Football Operations, Bill Parcells, and former Dallas Cowboys WR, Terrell Owens, have verbally committed to a deal to bring the controversial, yet supremely talented, receiver to Miami to play for the ‘Phins.
Owens, who was recently released by the Cowboys in a move that stunned the sports world, voiced understandable relief at the deal, saying “Man, I didn’t think anyone wanted me.”
Several other teams were said to be in the hunt for Owens' services earlier on Thursday, but general managers for those teams universally told WQAM that they were really only marginally interested in Owens.
The terms of the contract have not been disclosed, but it is believed that Parcells has offered nothing less than the keys to the kingdom to the controversial receiver.
Miami is said to be agreeable to a 15-year, $250 million contract, with at least $50 million of that coming in a guaranteed signing bonus.
When questioned about the ridiculous sounding terms of the contract, Parcells issued the following statement, “Listen, I’m not gonna discuss the specifics, but anyone would be a fool not to snatch up this guy. His talent is beyond question. He’s absolutely the best receiver I’ve ever coached. Why do you think I brought him to Dallas when I was there?”
WQAM Sports reporter Javier De La Cruz voiced bewilderment at this answer, telling Fox Sports, “I just don’t get it. This is beyond crazy. Why would Bill Parcells even think of making this move?”
ESPN’s Senior NFL Analyst, John Clayton, clearly miffed that he hadn’t been able to break the story for lack of sources, stated in a press release, “I’m not buying it. Whoever is reporting this is out of their mind.”
When told that WQAM has a tape of Bill Parcells's statements, Clayton stated, “Well, if they’ve got tape of it, then I guess it’s real. But I still can’t believe it.”
Michael Smith, another Senior NFL Analyst at ESPN, who broke the story of Owens' release from the Dallas Cowboys, was also stupefied by the deal, saying, “I really wasn’t expecting this. I mean, especially after all the things I reported the other day. I tore Owens down. I basically made it appear that the man was a joke. I can’t believe Parcells ignored all that.”
Furthermore, undisclosed sources close to the deal have reported that the terms of the deal also include a promise from Parcells that he will do all he can to get Owens a date with Paula Abdul, who Owens is said to be infatuated with.
Parcells stated on the matter, “Hey, I told Terrell I’ll do what I can. But man, I don’t even know Paula Abdul.”
Owners of the Miami Dolphins could not be reached for comment. They had scheduled a press conference for mid-morning on Friday, but this was postponed till Monday.
The Miami Herald confirms the story in their article, but they refuse to say whether they can confirm the story about the date with Paula Abdul being part of the contract.
In unrelated news, the Dallas Morning-News has reported that Cowboys Owner Jerry Jones and former All-Pro running back Emmitt Smith were arrested this morning on charges of soliciting a prostitute. In what appears to be a scandal similar to the one comedian Eddie Murphy went through, the prostitute is said to be a drag queen.
Newsflash: Sources report that before the 'Phins could seal the deal on their signing of T.O. to a 15-year, $250 million contract the Buffalo Bills lured the contentious receiver away, signing him to a 1-year, $6.5 million deal. Owens is quoted as saying, "Bill just couldn't guarantee me a date with Paula. Dick Jauron said he could. So, I signed with the Bills."
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