When the bell dings and the whistle blows, athletes and coaches are all business. Speed, power and grace are stirred together in an effort to achieve greatness on the playing field. But away from it, with microphones in their faces, things don't always go as smoothly.
There are tantrums in the heat of the moment (just ask Jim "Playoffs?!" Mora), as well as tearful attempts at forgiveness (just ask Terrell "That's my quarterback" Owens). But we're ready to approach the humorous extreme—the funniest quotes in sports.
Nothing's off limits with these closet comics masquerading as sports personalities.
100. Former Footballer George Best
Image via a-el.blogspot.com
I spent 90 percent of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted!
Betting on the Knicks.
99. NBA Forward Metta World Peace
Ronald Martinez/Getty Images
I love the tension. I love when everything’s going wrong. ... In the NBA, they don’t promote guys like me. They like guys who like Cheerios, good guys. But I find a way to promote myself.
Next question: Do you eat Cheerios?
Metta World Peace: On occasion.
98. Former NFL Linebacker Matt Millen
Image via stevekrupa.com
To win, I’d run over Joe’s mom, too (after Redskins lineman Joe Jacoby stated he'd "...run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl").
Easily the greatest trash talk ever occurred before Super Bowl XVIII, when Redskins offensive lineman Joe Jacoby sparked this memorable back-and-forth. Matt Millen would add to his comedic resume when he began drafting wide receivers every year as Detroit's general manager.
I can play in the center, on the right and occasionally on the left side.
When asked if he was a volatile player, David Beckham responded with confidence. Versatile, volatile, same thing.
95. Hall of Fame NFL Receiver Jerry Rice
Image via richliebermanreport.blogspot.com
I feel like I'm the best, but you're not going to get me to say that.
Yeah, that's definitely going to be a tough one.
94. Rugby Legend Murray Mexted
Image via rugbynews.co.nz
You don't like to see hookers going down on players like that.
Hold your horses—hooker is a rugby position. Culture shock for most Americans.
During his playing days, New Zealand's Murray Mexted was considered a brilliant ball-winner and a reliable defender. As a commentator, well, he's purely an artist.
93. NBA Guard Tracy McGrady
Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images
My career was sputtering until I did a 360 and got headed in the right direction.
If only he'd stopped halfway, T-Mac could've achieved greatness.
I've never lost a game. I just ran out of time. (From the autobiographyFor the Love of the Game)
It's beliefs like this that made Air Jordan the greatest ever.
77. Former Career Home Run Leader Hank Aaron
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It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
Modest as usual.
76. Former NFL Defensive Back Spider Lockhart
Image via uni-watch.com
The only way to stop Jim Brown was to give him a movie contract.
Even that didn't stop him.
75. Former NBA Guard Latrell Sprewell
Lisa Blumenfeld/Getty Images
Why would I want to help them win a title? They're not doing anything for me. I've got a lot at risk here. I've got my family to feed. (After turning down a three-year, $21 million contract offer from the Minnesota Timberwolves.)
Seven million may not be enough for room-to-room Jacuzzis and moving walkways. Not sure about getting "fed."
74. NFL Coach Bill Belichick
Brian Bahr/Getty Images
I don't think there's anybody in this organization not focused on the 49ers...I mean Chargers.
Ouch town, population you bro.
73. Boxing Trainer Lou Duva
Holly Stein/Getty Images
He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.
On the training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota. He's just a six o'clock kind of dude.
I don’t want to shoot my mouth in my foot, but those are games we can win.
They'll be harder after shooting your mouth in your foot.
70. Author Dave Barry
Image via cornelllunatic.com
The problem with winter sports is that—follow me closely here—they generally take place in winter.
Whoa, glad we hung in there.
69. Hall of Fame NBA Forward Charles Barkley
Ethan Miller/Getty Images
These are my new shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich like me, they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome like me. They'll only make you have shoes like me. That's it.
Maybe they'll provoke us to do Weight Watchers too.
68. Four-Time World Champion Jerry Coleman
Jim McIsaac/Getty Images
A day without newspapers is like walking around without your pants on.
There is no truer statement.
67. Pulitzer Prize-Winning Author George Will
Image via mediamatters.org
Baseball, it is said, is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole in Arizona.
Also true. And the aurora borealis is only a wrestling match between stars.
66. Former NBA Forward Antoine Walker
Eliot J. Schechter/Getty Images
Because there are no fours (on why he takes so many threes).
Antoine Walker with his best release yet. Pure genius.
65. MLB Legend Pete Rose
Stephen Dunn/Getty Images
I'd be willing to bet you, if I was a betting man, that I have never bet on baseball.
That makes one of us.
64. Three-Time Masters Champion Jimmy Demaret
A. Messerschmidt/Getty Images
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
And buffalo wings. Those can get messy.
63. Former Footballer Terry Venables
Daniel Hambury/Getty Images
If history is going to repeat itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.
A safe assumption.
62. Baby Crossover Legend Allen Iverson
We talkin' about practice?
Not a game, not a game, not a game. Not the game you die for.
15.5 practices and counting.
61. Former NFL Lineman Lincoln Kennedy
Stephen Dunn/Getty Images
I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot.
Lincoln Kennedy with an intriguing perspective on voting.
60. Former NFL Coach Mike Ditka
Mario Tama/Getty Images
What's the difference between a three-week-old puppy and a sportswriter? In six weeks, the puppy stops whining.
Sir Charles' thoughts on tossing a man out of a first-floor window. Epic as always.
57. Career Steals Leader Rickey Henderson
Justin Sullivan/Getty Images
Well, Rickey's not one of them, so that's 49 percent right there.
In response to being confronted by a reporter curious about Ken Caminiti’s estimate that 50 percent of major leaguers use the juice. An entire percent for Rickey.
56. College Football Coach Steve Spurrier
Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images
But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.
Former Gators coach Steve Spurrier telling fans that an Auburn dorm fire had wrecked 20 books.
Burned.
55. Former MLB Journeyman Joe Garagiola
Image via jaydeanhcr.wordpress.com
I went through baseball as a player to be named later.
That's a prestigious role. The most mysterious dudes in sports.
54. Former MLB Relief Pitcher Rod Beck
Jeff Carlick/Getty Images
I've never seen anyone go on the DL with pulled fat.
Can the real Kenny Powers please stand up?
53. Former NFL Coach Jim Mora
What's that? Ah – Playoffs? Don't talk about – playoffs?! You kidding me?! Playoffs?! I just hope we can win a game.
Have fun getting that sound out of your ears. Playoffs!?
Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.
Thanks to the Metro Radio Sports Commentary, the Olympics became solid archive material.
49. Hall of Fame MLB Outfielder Andre Dawson
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I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.
Gonna take a shot in the dark here and say that's not what you mean.
48. NBA Executive Pat Williams
Image via floridaleisureblog.com
We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play.
Have to give Orlando's senior vice president credit for thinking outside the box. He's trying.
47. Former NFL Coach Tom Landry
T.G. Higgins/Getty Images
Football is an incredible game. Sometimes it's so incredible, it's unbelievable.
And sometimes it's so unbelievable, it's beyond belief.
46. Hall of Fame MLB Catcher Johnny Bench
Image via kids.britannica.com
I was thinking about making a comeback, until I pulled a muscle vacuuming.
...When asked how he felt about Carlton Fisk breaking his career homeruns for a catcher record. Vacuums continue to educate us.
45. Blues Legend Eddie Shaw
Image via flickr.com/photos/trasgu57/7608601838/
He has turned defensive boxing into a poetic art. Trouble is, nobody ever knocked anybody out with a poem.
Kind words for Herol "Bomber" Graham. Can his poems sell is the question.
44. Footballing Legend Kevin Keegan
Image via tynetime.com
The Germans only have one player under 22, and he's 23!
There's not a lot to say, so touche will do.
43. Comedian Rodney Dangerfield
Image via georgerose.com
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
At least it gave him a chance to scream "I don't get no respect" all game long.
42. Hall of Fame NBA Center Wilt Chamberlain
Image via wiltfan.tripod.com
They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their minds.
After scoring 100 points in a game, you don't have to worry about perfection.
41. Former College Basketball Coach Abe Lemons
Image via centennial.newsok.com
There are really only two plays: Romeo and Juliet, and put the darn ball in the basket.
The latter seems more of a musical.
40. Former NBA Center Shaquille O'Neal
Brett Deering/Getty Images
I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.
Typical Shaq when asked if he visited the Parthenon while in Greece. The numbing result of watching too much Jersey Shore.
39. Australian Golfer Greg Norman
Phil Inglis/Getty Images
I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.
Toilets swirling the opposite direction and more than two parents, life down under takes getting used to.
38. Journalist Steve Rushin
Image via articles.nydailynews.com
By the age of 18, the average American has witnessed 200,000 acts of violence on television, most of them occurring during Game 1 of the NHL playoff series.
Factual and punch-lined, what a finish for "The Pint Man" novelist.
37. Former MLB Second Baseman Tito Fuentes
Image via stats-on-the-back.blogspot.com
They shouldn't throw at me. I'm the father of five or six kids.
At least fellow father of the year candidate Antonio Cromartie knows how many he has. Whether he can name them is another issue.
36. Former College Basketball Coach Weldon Drew
Image via photographyblogger.net
We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors.
The greatest team slogan of all time.
35. Former MLB Outfielder Carl Everett
Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images
The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Somebody actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
And thus cemented a journeyman career. Few teams could listen for long.
34. Broadcaster/Comedian Shaquille O'Neal
Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images
I made a 1,600 minus 800 minus 200 on the SAT, so I'm very intelligent when I speak.
You chose the right field my man.
33. Former NFL Running Back George Rogers
Image via sikids.com
I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards. Whichever comes first.
Both would be nice.
32. Former NFL Tight End Shannon Sharpe
Joe Robbins/Getty Images
Ray Lewis is the type of guy, if he were in a fight with a bear I wouldn't help him, I'd pour honey on him because he likes to fight. That's the type of guy Ray Lewis is.
Let's have him fight a Grizzly so we can dress him up as a salmon. Could be an epic heavyweight.
31. MLB Icon Casey Stengel
Image via modcult.org
I was such a dangerous hitter I even got intentional walks in batting practice.
This makes no sense on any level, but Bolivia could be a legitimate retirement spot for Iron Mike. It's landscapes are legendary.
29. Former NFL Safety Doug Plank
Mike Stobe/Getty Images
Most football players are temperamental. That's 90 percent temper and 10 percent mental.
That's not a favorable or safe combination.
28. Football Manager Ruud Gullit
Dean Mouhtaropoulos/Getty Images
We must have had 99 per cent of the match. It was the other three per cent that cost us.
His math skills may have played a part.
27. Former NBA Center Charles Shackleford
Ken Levine/Getty Images
I can dribble with my right hand and I can dribble with my left hand. I'm amphibious.
Let's run that back...
26. NFL Icon John Madden
A. Messerschmidt/Getty Images
Hey, the offensive linemen are the biggest guys on the field, they're bigger than everybody else, and that's what makes them the biggest guys on the field.
John "Captain Obvious" Madden with his usual craftiness.
25. Former NHL Goaltender Jacques Plante
Image via quotationsbook.com
Goaltending is a normal job, sure. How would you like it in your job if every time you made a small mistake, a red light went on over your desk and 15,000 people stood up and yelled at you?
Take note Ricky Gervais, red lights need to be incorporated into The Office immediately. Could be epic.
24. MLB Broadcaster Harry Caray
Image via mohistory.org
Booze, broads and bullshit. If you got all that, what else do you need?
The three Ss seem necessary as well. Shart, shave, shower.
23. Legendary MLB Announcer Ralph Kiner
Ezra Shaw/Getty Images
The Mets just had their first .500-or-better April since July of 1992.
As a Mets fan, this makes sense.
22. Former MLB Manager Lou Piniella
Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images
Statistics are like bikinis—they show a lot but not everything.
Eloquent and subtle. Not Lou Piniella's style.
21. NBA Coach Doug Collins
Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images
Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.
Most of the adversity you've faced featured questions about the beard you seemingly tore off of Bob Marley's head (pictured).
7. Former MLB Journeyman Matt Stairs
Rob Carr/Getty Images
“When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you’re getting your ass hammered by guys, there’s no better feeling than to have that done."
Ass-hammered might not have been the most eloquent word choice, but point noted. Nothing like the pro game.
6. Former College Football Coach Bob Green
Image via jpformontana.blogspot.com
We got to practice a little bit. I want these guys to be bouncing around like a pogo stick on Viagra.
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