Raw 1000 is quickly coming. It is hard to believe that Raw has been in our lives for almost 20 years. I spent every Monday night since I was four years old watching Raw and this event is a huge landmark occasion.
Now, enough with the pleasantries, do you want to know the best- and worst-case scenarios for Raw 1000?
What could happen during Daniel Bryan and AJ's wedding?
What legends could appear?
What impact will The Rock have on the 1,000th episode of Raw?
Let's briefly examine these and more, shall we?
Wrestlers who actually made an impact in the WWE appear.
No more of this DDP (WCW), Vader (of Boy Meets World fame) or Road Warrior Animal (who made an impact everywhere else). We need to see Stone Cold Steve Austin, and we don’t want to see him kick the hell out of the Heath Slater.
We come back from commercial break and Heath Slater is in the ring. Then for the next 25 minutes, we have all the legends that already beat down the One-Man Band, with special emphasis on Cyndi Lauper. After that, we get the biggest legend of all...the Ultimate Warrior!
The Warrior hits the ring, but he becomes belligerent and screams about how he is the greatest and much better than Hulk Hogan. Then he continues to rant about how he should be a movie star and how he would have been a better Bonesaw in the original Spider-Man movie and not Randy Savage.
Sad thing is...the WWE officials do nothing, hoping this grabs extra ratings.
DX (aka only Triple H and Shawn Michaels) appear to kick off the Raw 1000 celebration and make a whole lot of immature jokes about butts and poop and Vince McMahon being old.
Then we hear that weird sound that starts Brock Lesner’s music (someone please tell me what that noise is). Paul Heyman appears and mocks HHH for wearing a suit; yes, Hunter keeps his suit on because....you know...he is a business man. At which point, Brock Lesner sneaks through the crowd unbeknownst to DX (despite the crowd screaming) and breaks HHH’s other arm.
Then Shawn Michaels cries and we go to commercial.
DX (aka only Triple HHH and Shawn Michaels) appear to kick off the Raw 1000 celebration and make a whole lot of immature jokes about butts and poop and Vince McMahon being old.
This segment goes on uninterrupted.
Later on, HHH gets more air time and responds to Lesner’s challenge. Whining about how he is a business man, HHH declines a match again.
Lesner appears via satellite, like all the biggest WWE stars, and calls him a wimp. HHH gets all enraged and accepts because Lesner hurt his feelings. This segment draws confusion from the crowd because nobody can actually remember that this is a feud.
This whole segment takes seven minutes and we move on.
After AJ skips down the aisle/ramp, we get started. After the vows begin, all the beautiful flowers in the ring set on fire and down comes Kane.
Kane pleads with AJ that he hasn’t loved this much since Katie Vick. AJ turns down Kane and he just walks away with the Charlie Brown music playing in his head.
Then WWE creative really jumps the shark and out comes CM Punk, for no reason other than to call AJ crazy. He then leaves.
However, just as the ceremony is about to be finished, the clergyman rips off his face to show his true identity...Eric Bischoff (yes, he does it twice). Some arguing ensues for some reason nobody can really comprehend, then Bryan and AJ just go elope after wasting 40 minutes of Raw 1000.
These two recapture the magic they had in their original feud. After having a surprisingly epic confrontation that lasts almost an hour, we all know the finish is coming after Punk calls for the GTS. However, when Punk picks up Cena, he accidentally hits the referee and knocks him out.
As some more tussling occurs, Punk calls for the GTS once more. It seems weird that Cena is taking so long to get up and then we realize that Big Show has been trying to run down the ramp for the last seven minutes.
Big Show hits the ring and sets up the WMD, or as I like to call it...a punch, for Cena. Then, unexpectedly, Show lays out Punk. Then Cena and Show beat the hell out of Punk. When the referee regains consciousness, Cena picks up the victory, finally turning Cena heel.
Little children cry and the Internet can finally shut up about turning Cena heel.
Cena wins clean and remains face.
THE WWE MUST CHOOSE!!! Cena can’t be champ and face!
Read the first two paragraphs on the previous slides “Best-Case Scenario.”
The Big Show then smokes CM Punk with the punch. As Cena and Show start beating the hell out of Mr. Brooks, we all start smelling what The Rock is cooking and Dwayne hits the ring and clears the ring of the Big Show and screws Cena with the Rock Bottom.
Punk retains the belt, he teams with The Rock in an upcoming PPV to face Cena and Show. All of this even though Punk doesn’t seem to be a fan of Dwayne ever since he infamous shoot last year.
Punk is still WWE champion, despite the fact that Michael Cole is always referencing how long he has been champion, and John Cena turns heel.
This is the best-case scenario in wrestling, let alone Raw 1000.
We get another lame-ass “live via satellite” video from The Rock. In this video, he proclaims that he is the greatest actor to ever live and that he will once again main-event WrestleMania.
Twenty minutes pass by and all we really know is that The Rock has an ego problem and that he is in some place tropical. Seriously, has this guy ever seen snow?
This is a new addition to the Best/Worst-Case Scenario articles. Quick thoughts about Raw 1000:
- No squash matches aka no Bordus Clay or Gold...Ryback.
- Jim Ross needs to be at the announce table and hopefully, he throws Cole down a flight of stairs before the show.
- Vince McMahon needs to tell the fans he is retiring...he will return to TV within two months.
- A new world order starts as Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose and Richie Steamboat “invade” the WWE in honour of FCW. You got it, another invasion angle.
- The new general manager of Raw is announced. It’s Hornswoggle, and all the fans collectively cry openly.
- Raw 1000 brings forth a new era, where the WWE holds fan polls only to lie about the results...oh wait...
That's it today, everybody.
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