If only Peyton Manning had a hermano...
Welcome back to the Bluths Explain Football, an ongoing series in which the cast of Arrested Development gives you insight into the AFC South.
Today's episode is "Beef Consomme." Let's see what it can teach us about the Indianapolis Colts' upcoming training camp.
As the family prepares for George Sr.'s arraignment, Michael and Marta finally confess their feelings for each other, but decide they must tell Gob before going further. Meanwhile, Buster tells Gob he also has feelings for Marta. George Michael tries to determine if Maeby is really his biological cousin.
Michael finally tells Gob the truth, and Gob insincerely gives his permission for the relationship to begin. Gob gets angry when Michael acts on that permission, leading to a giant brawl at the arraignment. A disgusted Marta decides she wants nothing to do with any of them.
Oh, and Tobias goes from "Never Nude" to just, uh, nude.
"It would help if you all showed up looking like a loving, supportive family."
"For how long?"
"Ten minutes tops."
"See if you can get it down to five'
-Barry and Lucille
The good news for the 2012 Colts is that the team is young and with a new regime in town, there aren't any lingering personality issues.
Of course, there never seemed to be with the old Colts either, but it's nice not to have to worry about a fractured locker room. As the Colts rebuild, they'll lean heavily on Reggie Wayne and Robert Mathis to set the tone for the younger players and teach them about professionalism and winning.
Already, the Colts' coaches have emphasized accountability and unity to the team, and after a few minicamps at least, the team has heard the message loud and clear.
This is so wrong. No, not hot wrong! Regular wrong.
Watching Dwight Freeney play linebacker is just wrong.
For all the talk about changing the angle of attack, I can't help but wonder how it makes sense to take one of the greatest pass rushers of all time and try to make him change positions at 32 years old.
There's something downright icky about it.
And yes, "icky" is a technical football term meaning "gross and having the characteristic of ick."
I let my fists do the talking. Not this one because I need it for coin tricks and stuff. But this one, I let it speak for both of them.
The Colt that could most benefit from the new defensive scheme is Pat Angerer. Angerer is an old school football player who loves to hit people.
Unfortunately, in Larry Coyer's ridiculous scheme, Angerer was often left scrambling to cover for the mistakes of others. He rang up huge tackle numbers, but doesn't get a lot of respect around the league because of the perception that his numbers are inflated.
In a more balanced scheme, however, Angerer will still likely succeed because of his drive and talent, but he will get the opportunity to make more "difference making" plays.
While progress on defense could come slowly for the Colts, I expect to see signs of life from Angerer early in camp.
"I'll be there first thing Friday morning!"
"It's tomorrow at 4:30!"
"Oh I should write that down."
-Michael and Lucille
Andrew Luck will be at Colts' training camp on time.
After more insistence from Jim Irsay that the team is nearing a deal on Luck, there's really no worries that top overall pick in the draft will hold out.
Given the new rookie wage scale, it wouldn't make sense for Luck to miss any time at all. However, when wealthy men and money are together at the table, anything can happen.
Considering the Colts' sizable investment in Luck, there's really no chance they don't reach a deal before camp opens.
"It's sort of like going from Prime Rib to, I don't know, weird brother of prime rib."
If Peyton Manning had a brother, he would be a lot like Andrew Luck.
Geeky, a little unflappable, great technical skills and highly intelligent. Yup, that would be exactly what a mythical Manning hermano would be like.
As the Luck era gets underway, Colts fans have to make an adjustment to a new era of football that's eerily similar to the last era of Colts football.
Luck is the key to everything, and fans are taking solace from the fact that it's impossible to get a player more like Manning than Luck.
If Archie and Olivia ever wondered what it would be like if they had had a second son, they can watch Luck and get a good idea.
Of course, I'm just joking.
You could never have two quarterbacks that good in the same family.
It's the dawn of a new day in Indianapolis, and training camp in Anderson, IN, will give fans their first true sense of where the team is headed.
The new Indianapolis offense won't be cooked up in a test tube, but will take time to develop naturally. The Colts may feel exposed at times as certain roster inadequacies will be on full display, but with a little hard work and concentration, the team will be able to erect a winner in Naptown.