Joaquin Phoenix: Exclusive Interview on the NFL (Humor)

Kevin PaulSenior Analyst IFebruary 17, 2009

We have some help in talking football today. Kind enough to take time out of his busy schedule to discuss the sports world (specifically the recent happenings in the NFL), is former actor, future musician, and hopefully, die-hard sports fan… Mr. Joaquin Phoenix.

Interview with Joaquin Phoenix on the NFL **

KP: It’s an honor to have you here today, Joaquin.

Phoenix: Thanks.

KP: OK, today we are talking about the NFL offseason. If you’re the Detroit Lions, and you’re taking a quarterback with the first pick in the draft, which player would you select, Matthew Stafford or Mark Sanchez?

Phoenix: Who?

KP: Yes, exactly, which player would you select?

Phoenix: I don’t know.

KP: Just pick one.

Phoenix: OK. I’ll take Steve.

KP: There was no Steve in that list of two, Joaquin.

Phoenix: OK, the one that starts with “M.”

KP: For the record, I’m leaning towards Sanchez, but let’s move on to a different quarterback situation. Who do you think will be the quarterback of the New York Jets in 2009?

Phoenix: Isn’t that job intact for that Manning guy?

KP: You mean, Eli? No, he’s with the New York Giants.

Phoenix: Oh, so they have Fah-vruh.

KP: It’s Favre, Fah-vruh was from Ben Stiller and that movie “There’s Something About Mary.”

Phoenix: I wouldn’t know. I’m not an actor anymore.

KP: Anyway, Favre has retired. The Jets are in the market for a QB.

Phoenix: Oh.

KP: Any thoughts on who will be the Jets QB to start the 2009 season?

Phoenix: No.

-- pin drops –

KP: OK, I’ll put a random thought out there. I think the Jets should add another rookie into the mix for the long-term, but in the short term, they should bring in a guy like Jeff Garcia, who has proven he can still win games. That would give New York a good shot at the playoffs in the short term while their younger talents learn the ropes.

Phoenix: Works for me.

KP: Let’s move on, shall we? Hey, you have quite the new look there. Speaking of beards, who do you think has the best beard in the NFL?

Phoenix: What’s wrong with it?

KP: Nothing. How about Ricky Williams?

Phoenix: Oh, you mean the guy that smokes the good stuff.

KP: Moving on, again. How about Kurt Warner, Joaquin? Should he call it quits?

Phoenix: Who cares, as long as he announces it on his hands?

Wow, I’m convinced. OK final question, because I know you have to run. There are some big name coaches that have recently called it quits (or been let go). Some may or may not return. Tony Dungy I think will remain retired, but between Mike Shanahan, Mike Holmgren, and Bill Cowher, who would you want coaching your favorite team?

Phoenix: I’ll go with one of the Mikes.

KP: Insightful.

Phoenix: It’s a gift.

KP: It’s something.

Phoenix: What’s that supposed to mean?

KP: Nothing. Back to the question, I honestly don’t think you could go wrong with any of the three, but if I had to pick one, I’m tempted to lean towards Bill Cowher, as he’s been with an exceptionally well-run and successful franchise. He’s a hard-nosed guy that has the intensity and football smarts to get a team back on track quickly and efficiently. That’s just my quick take.

Phoenix: I disagree.

KP: Yeah, well…I’m speechless, kind of like you. That’s all the time we have for today. I’d like to thank my guest Joaquin Phoenix, who on 4th-and-short, came up with a five-yard loss today. Until next time, this is KP signing off.

** Perhaps a disclaimer from the “Captain Obvious” department, but this interview is fabricated. At no time did this writer have a discussion with Joaquin Phoenix, but instead it stems off of and pokes fun at the actor/musician’s interview with David Letterman a few days ago.

If this was an enjoyable read, please also see KP's interview with Joaquin on college hoops.


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