Stories of Steroid Usage in Sports is Making Me a Little Hermatile (Satire)

Glenn CardSenior Analyst IFebruary 10, 2009

Curiously, I have not put much thought into performance-enhancing drugs until recently. The recent story of admitted steroid use by Alex Rodriguez pushed me over the edge.


Steroid use in sports is not a new phenomenon. It is well documented that in 1963 the San Diego Chargers football team had an entire fitness program based upon the usage of steroids.


That same Charger team went on to win the AFLchampionship that year. It is argued that the steroid usage was minimal by the team members and that the championship was won because of the overall fitness program that was instituted that year.


Yeah, right!


Professional sports worldwide are now testing for performance-enhancing drugs in all their variations. It’s an endless cycle of generating new tests as the chemistry of these drugs are changing faster than the testers can keep up.


Olympic athletes have been disqualified. Tour de France winners have been stripped of their trophies.


Major League Baseball is currently going through a rash of exposed athletes admitting to, or denying, steroid usage.


There are few professional sports that have avoided the taint of steroid usage.


If I had only known about steroids when I was playing high school football and baseball, I might have been great rather than good. It is possible that a college team would have been interested in me.


Going through high school my body type was described as husky. Who knows how I would have been described on steroids. Adonis-like?


My nickname probably would have been quite different. Everyone called me “Mule.” I like to think it was due to my stubbornness to never quit or give up.


More than likely they were just calling me an “Ass” and I never recognized it as such.


That nickname might have been something like “Dozer” or “Bull.” Knowing the side effects of steroids with “roid rage” they probably would still have called me an “Ass.”


Hey, if the shoe fits?


Again, being great in college, the possibility exists that I might have made it to the pros. A big paycheck would have been my reward.


If I had made it to the professional level of any sport, one year’s paycheck would have nearly totaled my entire life’s earnings. My bank accounts would be flush and my charge accounts would be minimal.


Back then, I only accomplished killing some brain cells with recreational drugs. I have learned to accomplish a lot despite the loss of some mental capacity. I’m sure that I would have been able to deal with the side effects of steroid usage as well.


Without steroids I have had to struggle to earn my wages. Somehow find pride in the accomplishments of my endeavors.


With steroids my accomplishments could have been significantly more profitable. Additionally, there would be some plausible deniability that would still allow me to keep my profits.


So now, I find out that my life struggles could have been somewhat reduced by my use of different drugs at an earlier age. Now, it’s too late for me to cash in.


It all makes me a little hermatile.


(Note to editors: To date “hematile” is not a word recognized by Websters Dictionary yet. My definition follows. Hermatile: extreme and excessive bitchy behavior; not gender specific)