Deciphering Al Davis Talk

Matthew LaChiusaContributor IFebruary 10, 2009

The "Great Annual Raiders' Coach Search" is over and the surprise coaching candidate, Tom Cable, was announced to a shocked world by Raiders' Ruler, Al Davis.

I love watching these bizarro press conferences.

Because in watching, Al reminds me of ol' Uncle Harry who I was in charge (forced by guilt) of taking to the grocery store every month.

You know Uncle Harry?

The guy who complains to the cashier about the rising prices of milk and eggs and farts in the bulk section and blames the "barking spiders" hidden in the salted pistachio bin.

Al is a lot like Uncle Harry, but instead of complaining about inflation, Al discusses football subjects.

But he does it in his own language and it takes a trained ear to pick up on what he's truly saying. I pride myself, through years of listening to ol' Uncle Harry, in my ability to decipher Al Talk.

"We have a hope that we can go and do the things we think we can."

Okay, this means Al believes that Marcus Allen will apologize and come out of retirement then unite with Tom Flores, and mixed with some good ol' fashioned smash-mouth football and the long ball, this team will go 5-11.

"...Since 2002, there have only been three other teams in the AFC who have played in the Super Bowl."

Um hm, this means Al is wowed by the invention of the TV which brings him the invention of a satellite dish which brings him the invention of the NFL Network.

"...We will tell you why and tell you some of the things that happened. And I only hope that the accountability of some of you to tell the truth will be printed, without any equivocation, and firm belief in that what we tell you is exactly what happened. I will tell you along the way what happened with Tom Cable and Al Davis in the process..."

Al likes vanilla milkshakes.

"I do like to win Super Bowls but I'm also realistic. I know where we are. We can win the division. We have to do a little bit more to win the division but winning Super Bowls, no, I don't think this team is ready yet."

Oh, now this one's deep. Back in junior high school, Al had a crush on a girl he loved but she only "liked" him. Tainted by this history, Al tells us passion isn't something that is about love but an acceptance (liking) of the mediocrity over a period of six losing NFL seasons.

"I'd rather be right than consistent."

Simply put, Al is telling us that life is full of contradictions, and we shouldn't get caught up in silly things like accountability or consequences for our actions.

Especially when, it's regarding setting a record for the most consecutive losing seasons in the NFL.

Damn those barking spiders!