After Rough Weekend, All is Restored in Foxborough

aSenior Analyst IMarch 3, 2008

Tom Brady, Scott Pioli, and Bill Belichick all took a huge sigh of relief today.

Randy Moss will be staying in New England for three more seasons.

The Patriots were confident that Moss would re-sign immediately and didn't think they needed to place their franchise tag on the wide receiver. Then Friday came.

It was the first day that free agents could sign with teams and the Patriots and Moss had failed to strike a deal.

Shortly after, rumors began circulating that last season's best receiver wanted to test the market and enjoy being a free agent for the first time in his ten-year career. He even spoke with Daunte Culpepper, his former quarterback in Minnesota, about finishing their careers together on a team that needed to revamp its aerial attack.

As John Clayton reported these rumors on ESPN, how did Brady, Pioli, and Belichick take the news that they may be losing one of their key offensive components?

Brady reportedly went emo; dying his hair black, cutting himself, and downloading every My Chemical Romance song listed on iTunes. He knew what life was like without a top receiver, and he didn't want to go back.

"I thought I was done throwing to the Bethel Johnson's of the league until our front office decided not to give Randy the franchise tag. Whatever, nobody understands," he said while flicking his hair out of his eyes.

Belichick developed a nervous twitch and is said to have left many messages on Moss' cell phone including one in which the coach sings Avril Lavigne's hit single, "When You're Gone," through tears. 

"When you walk away (sniff), I count the steps that you take. Do you see how much I need you right now?" (sobs) COME BACK RANDY! PLEASE!

The man who most know as emotionless reportedly broke down, bawling and clenching his grey hoodie in his arms, as if he were a child gripping his favorite blanket. 

Meanwhile, Pioli used a different method to comfort himself.

Rather than dwelling on the past, Pioli sat on his recliner and watched hours and hours of Wes Welker highlights. "Who needs Randy when you have Wes?" he kept mumbling while wiping sweat from his glistening forehead.

When asked if Welker's production would decrease if Moss were to leave, he laughed nervously and responded, "Randy didn't play any part in Wes' success; they didn't even play on the same side of the field most of the time!" The poor man was in denial.

Luckily, these three men returned to their normal states when Moss signed a three-year, $27 million deal Monday.

Brady is smiling once again and has returned to listening to the music of his favorite band, U2 (that's not a joke, by the way).

Belichick is denying having Moss' phone number and is saying that the calls were "probably from some prankster," despite YouTube videos that suggest otherwise.

Pioli is back to normal, free from denial and nervous sweating. He is just glad that Moss is back in New England and has shifted his attention to a new project. He has been asked to write the introduction to a book called "Perfect At Last" which will be on shelves in February 2009. Early bird gets the worm, right?

In the end, New England avoided a disaster. Losing Moss would have been extremely detrimental to that team and the front office would have never heard the end of it from fans and media alike after not giving him the franchise tag. Lucky for them, all is restored in Foxborough.

In other news, Culpepper was spotted Monday wearing all black with an iPod chock full of Taking Back Sunday songs.

"I should have seen this one coming. Things never go my way. First the knee and now this! I hate life," said Culpepper as he laced up his new Converse sneakers. I guess not everyone escaped this situation with a smile. Good luck finding a starting job now Daunte!

The preceding article was a piece of satirical fiction.