Madden NFL Superbowl Simulation Results Shock Experts!!!

If you are reading this thinking I’m going to discuss results of a Madden NFL  Superbowl simulation and you actually care what the score was, please consider cutting yourself like one of those creepy, attention-seeking, suburban tweaker kids. Wasting time reading about the Madden Superbowl simulation is just as masochistic and senseless as playing Bob Ross on your arm with a meth-covered razor.

 Before every major sporting event, you can read articles in which lonely computer science graduates, using statistics based upon complex algorithms, attempt to legitimize the use of video games as a tool to predict the winner. While the sane take all this video game prognosticating as seriously as I take Donald Trump’s hair stylist, there are others, suspected of having chromosomal disorders, who place bets based upon this sort of nonsense. This garbage is an insult to the intellect and sensibilities of multitudes of sports fans who are sick of being slapped across the face with this ubiquitous drivel. This has to stop.

 Real men know a man’s worth and the outcome of any event worth watching can’t be determined in a pixilated world designed by soft, pale video game programmers who’ve never even worn a jock-strap. The game must be played. Any man who wastes time proselytizing the “videogamification” of sports deserves ridicule and should be forced to watch and listen to a thousand  hours of Tony Kornheiser  doing color commentary on America’s Next Top Model . If you find yourself concerned that the last sentence is some sort of racially derogatory attack on Tyra Banks, you are part of the problem and should continue to read. I’ll attempt to pull your sissified ass out of Pato’s dark cave and into the light of day. I’ll do this by exercising the power of imagination bestowed upon me by LeVar Burton-who played Kunta Kinta in Roots and who gave millions of  Americans an imagination while hosting our favorite PBS children's program, Reading Rainbow. LeVar thinks he is to your imagination what Al Gore is to the internet. If it weren’t for LeVar, we’d all “work” for General Motors designing cars.

 Thanks to LeVar, as real as Terry Bradshaw’s big, shiny, bald dome, I’m conjuring up images of you, the young men who will read this article. I imagine some of you need your asthma inhalers because of the stress caused by the great indignity you choose to feel as a result of the misleading title of this article.

While I find it ridiculous, I understand how with the limited life experience you have because of your video game habit; you get all out of sorts about things that don’t really matter. I can see you moaning like a zombie as you raise your arm and extend your index finger searching for a reset button. 

 If you are reading this and find yourself even just slightly peeved, I’d like to encourage you to calm down by humming some of the video game music now permanently imprinted in your brain from listening to it over and over again. Humming this crap will make you feel better because the music now works as a mnemonic device that triggers the release of a bunch of hormones that lead to the same sense of calm you felt breastfeeding. This happens because all those hours consuming junk food and playing video games have resulted in your brain being wired in an abnormal manner. This has probably resulted in a prescription for medication subsequent to a diagnosis of whatever nonsense psychiatric disorder is in the public eye because some pharmaceutical company paid Oprah to do a show about it.

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