Dancing with Miami's Jason Taylor

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Dancing with Miami's Jason Taylor

Jason Taylor is on Dancing with the Stars?!? It's not bad enough you're a DE for the Miami Dolphins?!?

I guess it can't be any worse than watching Master P waltz. That was awkward.

In honor of Taylor and his dashing attempt to dance like he's never danced before, I've come up with a list of NFL players who'd make perfect contestants on DWTS:

 

1) Saints Linebacker Scott Fujita

This guy's a diamond in the rough—I can feel it. He'll start off all stiff and then wow the judges in week three with a soft, sensual ballet number.

 

2) Cardinals QB Matt Leinart

Sigh. He doesn't even have to dance. He can stand in the middle of the dance floor looking really hot in a suit. His partner can be old pal from USC, Saints running back Reggie Bush. Again, sigh.

 

3) Bengals Wide Receiver TJ Houshmandzadeh

TJ Whosyourmama looks like he can cut a mean rug. Hearing the foreign judge trying to pronounce Houshmandzadeh'll provide a barrel of frikken' laughs too!

 

4) Seahawks QB Matt Hasslebeck

He's gonna get the ball and he's gonna score. Or he's gonna hit the dance floor and he's gonna fall. Either way, the press'll get a great soundbite out of him.

 

5) Bears Linebacker Brian Urlacher

This guy's a beast. He always looks like he's just eaten a baby...and enjoyed it. BUT babies give you much needed energy so Urly will be able to tango up a storm.

 

6) Chargers Running Back LaDainian Tomlinson

Yeah he can run faster than a speeding bullet or whatever, but can he get his jitterbug on? I'm thinking no. However, his mom could bribe the judges with some Campbell's Chunky to ensure her son stays in the competition.

 

7) Cowboys Defensive Tackle Tank Johnson

Tank'll eff you up. No contest. Who cares if he can dance? He'll provide much needed dramatic tension week four when he gets voted off and pulls a gat on ex-teammate Bri-Bri Urlacher.

 

8) Colts QB Peyton Manning

Not like he's doing much these days—all his endorsements have gone to his lil bro. He'll make it to the final round but get booted off when his dad Archie pops in for a visit and mistakenly calls him Eli. Peyton will lose it and hold host Tom Bergeron in a headlock yelling, "I am the original Manning! I won the Super Bowl first! For everything else there's Master Card!"

 

9) Giants Tight End Jeremy Shockey

This guy used to look like a viking rapist—not a rapist who's into vikings, a viking who's into raping. Then he cut his hair. Now he looks like a Scientologist bodyguard assigned to John Travolta's detail. No one should look like a Scientologist bodyguard. Scientology is straight up evil. A stint on Dancing with the Stars should clear that right up. Shockey'll look like an idiot which is way better than looking like a Scientologist.

 

10) Titans QB Vince Young

Me Vince Young. Me throw ball. Me fire agent because agent get me job on dance show. Me surprise everyone by doing good dance moves and winning competition. Me retake Wonderlic Test and score seven, beating old score of six. Me re-hire agent and get job on VH1 reality show Surreal Life.

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