In the wonderful world of college recruiting, it's anything goes, and Benedictine University is no exception. Thing is that this Division III school isn’t all about throwing cars and cash at their prospects. Oh no, these athletes in this video already prove they have it all AND some.
This video is so outstanding that the school’s website has since taken it off the internet, but luckily Deadspin.com still has the video on their page. Thank goodness, or we would have zero clue what a true athlete really looks like.
For an in-depth look at the recruitment video that will forever change athleticism as you know it, look no further.
*WARNING: Watching this video will diminish your self-esteem to levels unfathomable. If you have ever thought you were decent at a sport at some point in your life, you will realize you are horribly mistaken.*
OK so the video kicks off with the sound of hundreds of thousands of fans screaming and cheering, because really, who isn’t a fan of the Benedictine Eagles? As you will shortly learn, this just may be the most feasible aspect of this video.
Cue to the cheap imitation ACDC sounding music and—WHOA, welcome to the video! Right away we see, what I’m assuming, is the greatest college basketball player of all time. Come on, the kid appears to have a eight-foot-tall body frame as he throws down in front of, wait, Duke fans?
All right, that’s kind of unrealistic, but there’s no way it could get any more unrealistic—WAIT A SECOND! Is this the cross country team or Team Rocket from Pokemon?
These two mega-athletes seem to be running like a gazelle riding a lightning bolt, covering 50 yards in roughly five steps. Right now is about the time where you start to realize how much you suck at your favorite sport. But wait, it’s not over yet.
OK, so let’s tee up a golf ball and take a swing, this will probably show the ball landing on the green, right?
Ha, WRONG! This ball not only passes the green, but it soars over the blue water of the Atlantic Ocean and nails the Eiffel Tower, thus causing a 7.0 scale earthquake. Is it just me, or is it odd we haven’t heard of this monument collapsing yet?
Are you feeling weak yet? Well obviously this baseball player hasn’t even blinked at what he has seen. Not only do we get a peek at Benedictine’s baseball field, but we get a quick look at the most phenomenal hitter of all time. This guy makes Bryce Harper look like Richard Simmons.
“So what if NASA’s program is shut down, I’m reaching the moon anyway fools,” thinks the hitter. Oh and by the way, the moon does have a face, and it has the look of absolute fear.
Now right now you’re either doing one of two things: sobbing in your tears of realization that you should have never played sports in your life, or are wondering if this is green screened by any chance.
Benedictine is really reaching out to every Greek god that wants to play any sport, because we are now introduced to soccer. Have you ever seen “Bend it Like Beckham”? Well this is a trailer for the sequel “Bend it Three Times 90 Yards Before the Ball Explodes and then Re-spawns at the Leaning Tower of Pisa." Should be a blockbuster.
Now you are feeling the music and are preparing to scratch your heads at the mind-boggling facilities BU uses. Their softball stadium that holds athletes that belt balls 500 feet looks to hold about 40,000 Eagles fans.
Not bad, but what’s more impressive is that they host their long jumps in an abandoned backyard in the hills of Ireland. And if this doesn’t back up the theory that African American athletes are incredible jumpers, I don’t know what will.
And the dancing girls in front of the website? Yeah, that’s justified, wouldn’t you dance like that if your school had those elite athletes? I’m sure you would, but now is not a time to dance. Now is the time to be concerned about the state of the nation.
When Benedictine’s volleyball player spikes the ball with the brute force that would make Thor jealous, she triggers the start of the next war. Causing a nuclear explosion in the heart of China?
Yeah, it’s game on. All I know is that if these dynamic, larger than life athletes are on our side, the war will end in about 12 minutes.
Well there you have it folks, the breakdown of the greatest video ever made. The nation's proudest athletes have successfully summited Mount Everest, like they usually do on Thursdays, and have inspired us to go be 1/100th of what they are.