Dumbest Sports Inventions Ever

Eric NewmanCorrespondent IIIJanuary 17, 2012

Dumbest Sports Inventions Ever

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    Hey, give inventors their props.

    Their protective designs have saved countless athletes from injury.

    Their technological advances enable us to watch sports from afar.

    Their engineering designs allow stadium roofs to open, footballs to spiral and race cars to reach insane speeds.

    But man, those ingenious ladies and gents have also laid some real stinkers on the world of athletics. 

    Click on and see the collection.

10. The iFive

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    What is more depressing than being home alone when the home team scores a touchdown?

    Your problems are solved with this iPad app.

    High five, fist bump, thumbs up and peace out with your e-buddy.

    Sadly, this isn't the first lonely-sports-fan-needing-human-contact creation. Before the iFive there was U.S. Patent No. 5,356,330, the "Apparatus for simulating a high five" designed by Albert Cohen of Troy New York.

    See how it works here.

9. FoxTrax Puck Tracking

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    "I would watch hockey, but it's hard to follow the puck."

    Some Fox Television executive must have heard this a couple of times and come up with the now defunct brainchild of FoxTrax.

    The idea was that sensors embedded in the puck would allow television viewers to see colored streaks as the puck was knocked around.

    Not such an awful idea.

    But the execution was pretty melodramatic. With its multicolor contrails, the game began to resemble Super Mario Galaxy.

    Casual fans seemed to like the gimmick; serious fans were displeased.

    Cynthia Lambert of The Detroit News summed it up best: "Cool? Sure. Hockey? No."

8. The Potty Putter

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    Hurry up and order before they all sell out.

7. Big League Chew

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    Meant to give baseball idols and their followers an alternative to chronically chewing tobacco.

    Bye-bye mouth cancer, hello rotted teeth, headaches, sore jaws, atherosclerosis and diabetes mellitus type 2.

6. The Bullpen Buggy

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    Ever drive to the gym and find people sharking for spots near the entrance?

    You're going to the gym, people. You know, to work out.

    Must have been one of those spot-sharkers that came up with the bullpen cart.

    Fans showered beer on them, pitchers refused to use them and eventually they went away.

5. Nasal Strips

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    Do nasal strips open your passageways and improve athletic performance?

    If you're a horse, then yes. Yes they do.

4. Sports Drinks

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    Sure, they have electrolytes, but how many of us can say what those are or why we need them?

    I sure can't.

    Sports drinks are just a big marketing ploy. The marketers haunt us with their best weapon: the word "replenish." If we don't replenish, we'll die. Aaaaaaaagh!

    This is what I do know about sports drinks:

    They're expensive.

    They're full of sugar (a 24-oz. bottle has a whopping 10.5 teaspoons of sugar). Yet they are promoted as being healthy. Many people drink it instead of soda thinking they're doing their bodies a favor.

    In most cases they are just plain unnecessary. A drink of water will do fine.

    For continuous or high-intensity exercise, some O.J. and salt may be necessary.

3. Running Shoes

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    Journalist and distance runner Christopher McDougall did exhaustive research and uncovered the evils of running shoes in his bestselling book Born to Run: A Hidden Tribe, Superathletes, and the Greatest Race the World Has Never Seen.

    The premise is simple: Humans are genetically engineered to run long distances. Shoes changes our natural stride and cause injuries.

    The barefoot running movement is sweeping the running world—so much so that "barefoot-style" shoes are now a $1.7 billion industry.

2. Artificial Turf

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    Hey, instead of grass, why don't we slap down rolls of abrasive, injury-inducing, germ-collecting, water-table-polluting chemical "grass" that players and fans alike will really hate?

1. Nice Cup in Bra

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    Professional women on the go can carry around their own putting green with this ingenious product. Simply take off your corset with affixed bra and roll it out to reveal a putting mat with two cups. Now take off your skirt (included with the set) and hoist it on a pole—it doubles as a flag. Voilà! You're ready to golf.

    The set is complete with an automated voice congratulating you on sunken putts, pockets for extra golf balls and tees and a detachable flag pin that serves as a pencil.

    There's just one minor snag, ladies: If and when you use the handy product, it will involve you stripping down naked.

    Men, is this not the greatest invention of all time?