OK, ladies, you can stop reading right now. This article is strictly for the fellas.
If you're a woman and your boyfriend or husband doesn't like the fact that you play fantasy football, you have bigger (and much more expensive) problems than anything I can help you with. Seek help elsewhere.
Guys, how many of you have a wife or girlfriend that simply despises the fact that you play fantasy football? Yeah, I thought so.
Well, I'm here to help put an end to the endless eye-rolls and crossed-arm stances that your wife shoots your way every Sunday while you stare at the computer screen.
If you follow my advice, your woman will stop loathing fantasy football and start loving it. Well, maybe not loving it. But she will accept it and, if done correctly, will become a part of it.
For 130 days, just about every wife and girlfriend clung to dreams of making it through fall without a single snap occurring on their television. They had hope.
Hope that Sundays would be family days, shopping at Home Depot for flowers to expand their gardens, or that you would actually fix the clogged drain.
Then it happened. July 25, 2011; a day that will haunt girlfriends for an eternity. The NFL lockout ended.
In every corner of the world, wives wept collectively. For them, the start-up of the NFL season meant months of Sundays, Mondays, sometimes Thursdays and sometimes Saturdays filled with noisy televisions, beer-bellied husbands with old NFL jerseys on, checking their fantasy football team every 30 seconds.
The look of wrath replaced the inner glow they had during the lockout.
It all ends here. I have a plan, that if followed correctly, will have your wife actually helping you with your fantasy team, rather than spending Sundays glaring at you while you check your score.
Step One—Keeping up with the Kardashians
First, use the Kardashians. Instead of telling your wife about Reggie Bush's amazing run (trust me, she couldn't care less about Reggie), you need to tell her something like, "I can't believe Reggie Bush is getting back with Kim Kardashian."
That will get her attention. And no, you don't care about the Kardashians; you care about playing what I like to call, grief-free fantasy football.
When you start talking about Kim Kardashian, and then slip in the Reggie Bush comment, it plants a seed. Next time she hears Reggie's name, she'll think about Kardashian. The NFL dating scene seed is planted. Now it's time to water it.
It's important to keep up with the dating/divorce/dumping that's going on in the NFL.
Okay, now you know how to spin the dating scene into an advantage for playing grief-free fantasy football. Good start, guys.
Step Two—Every Wife Has a Secret Crush
It's time to get to know your wife's crushes. Every wife has a crush, secret or not, on a football player. You have to identify that crush.
You can take a look at Bleacher Report's Tiffany Anton's list of the top 10 sexiest NFL players and say you can understand how Peyton Manning made the list; he looks like a horse that got hit with a frying pan.
Be prepared for two things after showing her the article. First, you'll have to explain what you are doing looking at that list of sexiest men. And second, and this is the important part—you'll hear what she says as she goes through the list.
If you get nothing, click on Bleacher Report's Nyhlaa Black's sexiest NFL list and see what the wife says. She'll give you something.
Step Three—Start a Friends-and-Family Fantasy Football League
I admit, this one is a biggie. But in order to get to playing grief-free fantasy football, starting a fantasy football league with family and family friends is not optional.
You obviously need to include her in the league and make sure she lands one of those guys that she may have a crush on or thinks is hot. It will take time, but little by little, she will ask you, "How did my team do?"
Trust me, she'll love owning Tom Brady. She already thinks about it, now she can actually—well, virtually—own him. She'll like it.
Step Four—Her Jealousy Is Your Friend
Now step four is a must to get your girlfriend not only interested in fantasy football, but invested in it.
When you start the friends and family league, make sure you have another female in the league who your wife is jealous of, or competitive with—it's a must. If you can add the jealousy factor, you're in.
Even if you fail at getting her to join a friends-and-family league, but you get another female (preferably a female friend—think co-worker) to join the league, your wife will take a sudden interest in that league. But you have to stoke that green monster.
Make some off-the-cuff comments about how good Tiffany is doing in the league, or how you want to do a trade with Ashley. Then sit back and watch your wife's ears perk up.
Is Your Wife/Girlfriend Hating on Your Fantasy Football Obsession?
Never underestimate the competition between women. A woman's jealousy will cause her to do just about anything, including join a fantasy league.
The next thing you know, she will be screaming at the television right along with you on Sundays.
Step Five—Patience Is Key
Fellas, don't push against her dislike of the NFL: it's an immovable force.
Instead, bring her walls down, one season at a time by including her in a way that bends to her personality. Just make sure she doesn't think you're doing it for a selfish reason or all bets are off.
And yes, I know Reggie is getting back with Kim because I'm keeping my wife involved in any way I can.
Now, if I see you in the street with your main squeeze and she asks if I helped you with this Mission: Impossible, I will neither confirm nor deny my involvement.
And as always, should you or any of your friends be caught reading my article, the fantasy community will disavow any knowledge of your actions.