What Lies Ahead For WWE In 2009

Nick HaynesCorrespondent IJanuary 2, 2009

A few predictions for the year ahead of us in WWE:

  • Ted DiBiase embarks on a losing streak of MVP-like proportions.  Frustrated, he gets his dad to come back and award him the Million Dollar championship. Sadly, he loses it that night...to Big Dick Johnson, because if there's one thing better than a fat male stripper in a thong squirting oil all over himself, it's a fat male stripper in a thong squirting oil all over himself and his blinged-out belt. In a hat-tip to Edge and Lita, Johnson and his new manager, Mae Young, will celebrate by performing a live sex show the next week on Raw, causing the sewers of America to overflow with approximately 57 million gallons of high-grade vomit.
  • HBK, after counseling Undertaker and Kane, gets them to return...not as the Brothers of Destruction, but the Brothers of Creation.  To top it off, Paul Bearer comes back in a white suit and red shirt.  Now THAT has money written all over it!
  • As John Cena's gimmick continues, even some of his current fan base start to lose interest. Getting desperate for some demographic to show him some interest, Cena will convince Vince McMahon and WWE to market "HLR" and "You Can't See Me" baby wipes and diapers on WWEShop.com. Commercials will feature a video of an ultrasound with the baby waving its barely-formed hand in front of its face.
  • If what they say about Triple H holding his spot through his marriage is true (it's not), then I see marital trouble ahead for Triple H as he realizes he's losing his spot. Looking to gain it back, he divorces Stephanie McMahon and tries to seduce her mother, Linda. When that fails, he uses his cerebral qualities to convince Vince to divorce Linda and move with him to Massachusetts so they can tie the knot.  Following this development, Triple H will hold the belt approximately 37 times over the course of 2009.
  • Canadians will continue to not forgive Shawn Michaels for his most heinous of sins (actually looking out for the best interests of the company) and refer to how nobody knows "aboot" his dark side.  The rest of the world will continue to not care about Canada's 12-year-old grudge as HBK puts on wrestling clinic after wrestling clinic.
  • Desperate for respect, the Great Khali will adopt a new in-ring strategy of not sucking during his matches.  He will fail.
  • TNA will try to invade WWE via fans holding up signs proclaiming how "TEH AWESOME LOL" TNA is.  After the company takes it up to the next notch by sending WWE stars the "Best of TNA 2008" video (currently in production), they will succeed due to massive herniated disks in the backs of all WWE wrestlers caused by laughing too hard at the matches.
  • Big Daddy V will take two months off "for personal reasons." After meeting up with Billy Blanks, he will come back looking like Shelton Benjamin, only with much, much saggier skin.