Arsenal Transfer: My Mystifying Encounter with a "Santa Claus"

It was the night before Christmas.

The shadows, mingling with the chromatic lights that glistened from the Christmas tree in the corner, were soft and docile, constrained it seemed—by the hallowed hour that was dawning swiftly, the hour upon which, it is said, the savior of humankind was born—to bend their will in reverence to light and tranquility.

I dozed and dreamed.

It seemed as though a man, dressed in red, whose hoary mane appeared soiled in soot, appeared suddenly in the living room where I lay on the sofa.

Overtaken by that omniscience which is the wont of the dreamer, I knew at once he was Santa Claus, the mysterious bearer of gifts and the granter of wishes from the North Pole.

"What, son, would you wish to be done for your beloved Arsenal?" he seemed to ask.

The thoughts formed immediately, and reading them, he said, "It can be done, they can win the Champions League, even the Premier League. It's possible, but they'd have to do right thing."

He read my mind and continued: "Arsenal would have to put their house in order."

Possessed as I was by omniscience, I knew what he meant—these two wishes could come true if Arsenal patch up the weaknesses in the team.

"Indeed," said Mr. Claus, who read my next line of thought, "If you concede minimal goals and outscore your opponents, then you'd win all your matches. And if you win all your matches, you'll win the two titles you covet."

"But..." I began in protest.

He interrupted me, continuing the seamless but tenebrous synchronicity that we both possessed, by virtue of inhabiting this ineffable dimension, "You don't have a free-spending oligarch as some do, true, but nevertheless you can be wise, and in wisdom put your house in order."

"Where do you see the weaknesses?" he asked.

"In attack," I answered. "We need a supporting striker, one that can adequately delegate for the in-form Robin Van Persie when he needs to be rested, and one that can act as an impact substitute like United's Chicharito Hernandez."

"And who could that be?" he prompted.

"All the names I can think of are already important pieces in their teams. These teams will only sell at huge asking prices," I answered.

Demba Ba, for example, I followed him while he was at Hoffenheim. And even when he played for West Ham United, his knack for positioning and scoring unexpectedly made me wish he could play for Arsenal. But then there was the issue of his knee, which some said was a ticking time bomb, which, interestingly, doesn't seem to want to explode nor on the verge of exploding any time soon."

"Mhm," groaned the avuncular Mr. Claus. "Ba will miss the whole of January..."

"I know," I interjected. "I was only wishing."

I continued, "The other person I'd wish to see in the red and white is Giuseppe Rossi. He is strong on the ball and maintains possession even when isolated, and he can score goals..."

Nicholas, I just knew that was his first name; this stranger dressed in red with white trim, with those inscrutable manners. He waved his hand and cut off my effusive chatter about Rossi.

He seemed to say to me, "If things were left in your hands, your two wishes would never come to pass, or if they did, they'd prove disastrous. Rossi is..."

"Injured and out for six months," I supplied. "Again, I was only wishing, like I'm now wishing for Peter Odemwingie. He'd be very cheap, but he has that knack for goals that born scorers have. Yet I know he's not fully fit, so this is only a wish."

"Can you think of any fit players?"

"Podos..."

"Ho, ho, ho..." laughed Mr. Claus. "Can't you do better than repeat the common cliches?"

"Bafetimbi Gomis. I admire Gomis, he's rugged, strong on the ball and is a good header of the ball. He's not called little Drogba for nothing."

"Do you think he can move in January?" 

"I don't think so. Lyon's asking price could be heavy, plus, there's the problem of adapting to the EPL immediately." I knew that Mr. Claus knew what I meant by EPL.

"Who else?"

"Loïc Rémy, he's young, versatile, skillful—the Arsenal type of player. He could adequately fill in for Gervinho who will be away in January, and he can also play in the main striking role. Plus, Wenger admires him. But again, the question of how quickly he could adapt to the EPL is a strong consideration, once Wenger decides that he can pay the considerable asking price that Marseille will inevitably demand."

"Which is why doing the right thing is important..."

"Yes," I agreed.

"Who else?"

"Marco Reus. I know, he's even more expensive than the other two strikers, but he is an excellent player who has a nose for goals. He is young and skillful, too. Bayern Munich want to buy him, but it appears it's only so they can stop him from playing for the opposition. They don't really need him. The big problem here is the asking price, which could be further inflated by the January factor."

"Kevin Grosskreutz could be cheaper than the first three," I continued. "Plus, he already fancies Arsenal. He could be an adequate replacement for Gervinho, and he also scores goals."

"Andre Ayew is another versatile player who could play on the flank but could function well in the midfield, as evidenced by his performances for Ghana at the 2010 World Cup. He's young and strong on the ball and possesses devastating skill, at least, as far as the opposition is concerned."

"Ahmed Musa of VVV-Venlo is a young Nigerian striker of immense skill. He's only 19 and will be a bargain buy for Wenger were he to move quickly to sign the young lad before he attracts too much attention. Bundesliga sides and Ajax Amsterdam are reportedly interested in him. Although he plays primarily on the flanks, he is a prolific goal scorer and possesses remarkable dribbling skill."

I thought I saw Mr. Claus nodding to my words as I spoke of Ahmed Musa.

At this point, it seemed as though Mr. Claus needed to leave for some appointment, so I decided to run through the last of the players very quickly.

"Taye Taiwo hasn't been able to settle at AC Milan, but he could be a good loan option for the left-back position. The risk would lie in the question whether or not he'd adjust quickly to the demands of the EPL. Plus, Taiwo can both delight and exasperate quite quickly. At his best, there's no better left-back; when he's poor, well..."

"He does score goals, which can only be a plus for Arsenal. The key here is that he could be well disposed to a short-term loan, he's however cup-tied to Milan in the UEFA competition and wouldn't be of help to Arsenal in that area."

"You do have a full-back problem," observed Mr. Claus.

"Yes," I agreed.

"Nuri Sahin..."

"He'll not leave Madrid, and you know it."

"He takes lethal free kicks," I persisted.

"He'll not leave..."

"Marvin Martin-Sochaux then; creative, acute vision, young...Then there's Riccardo Montolivo, a good attacking midfielder who could also bring stability to the Arsenal midfield. But his main strength could be his ability to control the tempo of the game. There's also Christian Eriksen. Wenger should definitely sign him, he..."

"Tell me," interjected Mr. Claus, "besides the names of possible players that could be bought, where do the problems lie in the team; where are the new players needed?"

I thought he had asked this question before. Strange...

"An arrowhead for the midfield," I said. "That, though," I continued, "could be a deep-lying striker who also scores regularly. Or else we need a poacher off of whom Van Persie could play. And we need to solve the full-back problem, of course."

I awoke with a start. I had been dreaming. I felt a little foolish...