I decided to do some research on what NBA players, coaches, and teams will be trying to accomplish in the New Year. Here are the NBA’s 2009 resolutions.
Dwight Howard: Learn a post move. At some point it has to happen, right?
Kyle Lowry: Be seen in the same room as MA$E. Until this happens, I won’t be convinced they aren’t the same person.
Ricky Rubio: Roll the dice and declare for the draft. Sure he could end up in Minnesota, OKC, or Sacramento, but he also has a chance to land in a large market like Washington, L.A., or Golden State. As Zach’s favorite movie, Summer Catch, would say, “If you want big rewards, you gotta take big risks.”
Jose Calderon: Pull a Tanya Harding on Rubio so he can continue to be the best Spanish point guard in the league.
Joe Alexander: Bring unintentional comedy to a new level by taking part in the 2009 Dunk Contest.
Kevin Garnett: Be more intense.
Chauncey Billups: Move in with George Karl already. Karl may love Billups more than I love the Nintendo Wii.
Oklahoma City Thunder: Plan their parade through downtown OKC when they manage to get nine wins and Blake Griffin.
Joe Dumars: Hope that no one catches on that the Iverson deal was strictly a salary dump and that this season was a waste.
Mike Woodson: Pray that the Hawks keep flying under the radar this season so there won’t be a huge letdown when they’re bounced in the second round.
Lawrence Frank: Give half of his salary for this season to Devin Harris.
Jeff Green: Eat more. You’re a power forward and should weigh more than 150 pounds.
Jason Thompson: Challenge Peja Stojakovic for the “Who Can Keep His Mouth Agape More?” Contest.
Greg Oden: Ask Kevin Pritchard to trade for Adam Morrison so you aren't the most anti-social guy on the team.
Kevin Martin: Hope that no one realizes he is just sitting out all these games to get Rubio on the Kings so he can play with a fantastic point guard. No offense, Beno.
Utah Jazz: Hire a new trainer and team doctor.
Tim Duncan: Do the Tim Duncan face when he realizes he doesn’t finish in the top five in MVP voting.
Chris Mullin: Pick Billy Knight’s brain and find out the best way to deal with a roster of 42 small forwards.
Elton Brand, Luol Deng, Andre Iguodala, Gilbert Arenas, and Baron Davis: Hold a symposium about how overpaying non-franchise, oft-injured, and non-winning players is a bad idea.
Kevin McHale: Use the inevitable acquisition of the second pick in the upcoming draft to obtain more undersized centers and a few more combo guards.
Toronto Raptors: Wonder if things could get any worse only to see Jay Triano’s record since taking over the team.
Dwyane Wade: Continue to have hands-down the best season by any player who didn’t win the MVP.
Michael Beasley: Get back on defense...sometimes.
Brook and Robin Lopez: Do a viral video of Mike Myers’ "Phillip the Hyper Kid" from SNL. Brook would play Phillip and Robin would play the Nicole Kidman part. I would literally pay $1,000 to see this.
Danny Granger: Be the Arrested Development of the 2008-09 NBA season (aka The Best Show No One Watches).
Tracy McGrady: Save some of his injuries for key playoff games. You don’t want to use them all up in the regular season.
Josh Howard: Celebrate his third month without doing or saying something stupid by smoking a ton, driving drunk, and crashing into an American flag store.
Mike D’Antoni: Kick himself for not waiting until after the draft lottery to choose the Knicks over the Bulls, but be thankful that the Knicks will upgrade the point guard position at this year’s draft.
Nate Robinson: Ruin more dunk contests.
Larry Brown: Bet Michael Jordan $10,000 that he won’t trade him to another team. It may be his only way out.
Sasha Vujacic: Request a bigger percentage of Wall-E’s grosses since they used his image and likeness.
China: Ruin more All-Star Games.
Stephon Marbury: Make outrageous claims like "Chestnuts are lazy" and "I invented the question mark."
Brian Scalabrine: Throw a massive kegger at the Delta house and buy a new long board.
O.J. Mayo: Win the ROY while also setting the record for most games played with a playoff beard without actually making the playoffs.
Andray Blatche: Solicit more prostitutes. With the way the season has gone for the Wizards, I’m sure they’re willing to try anything.
Kobe Bryant: Win more than two meaningful games at the Fleet Center.
Paul Pierce: Fake more injuries.
LeBron James: Learn all the lyrics to "New York, New York."
Glenn Taylor: Find a way to get the hopes of every Wolves fan up only to crush them again. My suggestion: Fire Kevin McHale right before the draft and hire Isiah Thomas as your coach/GM. I couldn’t do this without a mention of Zeke. Plus, I just miss his antics.
There you have it, the unequivocal 2009 New Year’s Resolutions. Granted, it isn’t your standard lose 15 pounds or drink less or quit smoking, but these aren’t your standard guys. I feel pretty confident that every one of these things will happen.