EPL '09: Ten Things That Won't Happen!

Following on from yesterday's article, "The EPL IN 2009: 10 Things That Will Happen", I have taken the dust cover off my crystal ball one last time:

'O wise, sagacious, omniscient ball

Who will rise and who will fall?'

Who will weep great tears of joy?

Is there more good news for Roy?

Can the Berb hit his stride?

Can Spurs salvage some pride?

Keane and Ince lost their shine,

Which poor soul is next in line?

2009: The Year of the Ox,

Do you foretell more great shock;

Cupsets galore—Histon in the last four?

Beware Chelsea, 'Pool, Man Yoo and The Arse,

Blood, sweat and tears is tantamount to class...

The Champions League—another all-English affair?

Or will things turn to the shape of a pear?

Goals we will see, that is for sure

The fans ever screaming "We want more!"

2008 has come to pass—it's been divine

Good Lord we await the class of '09.

Will youth spring eternal  

Will Young replace Old?

I have said all I can—let the story unfold...

Poetic license aside, I looked and I saw (in no particular order) that:

1. Liverpool WON'T climb up the League Table.

2. The Baggies WON'T fall any lower.

4. January WON'T be a quiet month for the chairmen.

5. SAF WON'T be sending the BBC a card in the New Year.

6. MOTD WON'T win much critical acclaim.

7. Adrian Chiles WON'T give up hope.

8. Steven Gerrard WON'T be signing any new sponsorship deals for a while.

9. The fog on the Tyne WON'T lift for long.

10. Football transfer rumours WON'T get any less ridiculous—Defoe to Spurs for £30 million, Zokora and Jenas to Real Madrid? Madness.

10. The team finishing in seventeenth place WON'T be relegated.