Breaking News: Oklahoma Forfeits BCS Game and Will Not Go to Miami

Billy RayCorrespondent IDecember 30, 2008

This breaking news from Norman, Oklahoma. The University of Oklahomas' Sports Information Department has just issued a press release stating that the Sooners' football team will not be going to Miami, Florida to participate in the BCS Championship Game scheduled to take place on the 8th of January. Oklahoma has instead decided to forfeit the game and concede the national title to the University of Florida.

In the statement just released the University has listed numerous reasons as being key factors in the decision. Among these are:

1) The national consensus among college football fans that the Sooners have no chance of beating the Florida Gators. This is indisputable. To deny this is on par with saying blow-hard Al Gore is the main cause of global warming.

2) The media consensus that the Oklahoma football team should not even show up. These guys are professionals. They are never wrong.

3) Oklahoma is much too small to compete with the University of Florida. Every member of Florida's second string would take a Sooner starter's spot.

4) Oklahoma is not fast enough to handle the awesome speed of the Gators. Forget the skill players, the Gators' linebackers and defensive ends will win the next Olympic 100 meter relay.

5) No team outside of the SEC plays any defense. Oklahoma's defense, it turns out, may be the worst defense in the history of bad defenses.

6) The SEC is always the best conference. No team outside of the SEC could ever beat an SEC team.

7) All of Oklahoma's victories came against inferior competition. Tim Tebow could have beaten every one of these teams all by himself.

8) Bob Stoops and his staff of morons will be out-coached by Urban Meyer and his staff. Picture Forest Gump in a battle of wits against Stephen Hawking.

9) Oklahoma should not have even had the opportunity to play in their conference championship game, much less the BCS Title game. Texas supporters even hired a plane with a banner that proved this point beyond a doubt.

10) The Texas Longhorns are the true champions of the BIG 12 Conference. Just ask them.

Because of these and other reasons too numerous to list, the University of Oklahoma has decided it will be in the best interest of all involved to forfeit the game and stay home.

According to everyone outside of Oklahoma this would be a worse mismatch than when that little David kid in the Bible made the mistake of taking on that giant Goliath dude. The best case scenario was a few Sooners actually survived the game.

The BCS issued their own statement about the situation in support of the Sooners' decision.

BCS spokesman Eric Cartman read from a prepared statement at the BCS headquarters in South Park, Colorado.

Mr. Cartman said, "My fellow Americans, ask not what your BCS can do for you, ask what can you do for your BCS. Remember, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Or low television ratings. Or maybe running out of pie. Oh, just forget it. I'm going home."

As reported by Florida fans and players, this announcement came as a huge relief to the Sooners' players who had been alternating between sucking their thumbs and wetting themselves since this match-up against the mighty Gators was finalized.

Late Breaking News:

Oklahoma Sooners' Head Coach Bob Stoops has just released a new statement.

According to our sources within the program, Coach Stoops said "Well, we already put down a deposit on the hotel rooms and we just found out our super-saver plane tickets are non-refundable. I guess we're going to Miami after all. Sorry to disappoint everyone. You know what? If it's all the same to you, since we're going to be there anyway, we may as well just show up and play in that darn game after all."

Oh, Sooner fans, how will we survive?