Gift Ideas for the Major College Football Coach in Your Life

Dan RubensteinCollege Football Lead WriterDecember 15, 2011

STANFORD, CA - NOVEMBER 26: Notre Dame Fighting Irish head coach Brian Kelly argues a call with side judge Glenn Crowther during their game against the Stanford Cardinal at Stanford Stadium on November 26, 2011 in Stanford, California.  (Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)
Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

With the shopping and gift-giving season upon us, you can never be too careful when considering what to get that special person in your life, even if they seemingly have it all. For that very reason, I’ve taken the liberty of assembling a handy guide to make all of our lives easier when searching the aisles for that perfect gift for generally imperfect college football coaches.

 

Nick Saban

TUSCALOOSA, AL - SEPTEMBER 24:  Head coach Nick Saban of the Alabama Crimson Tide looks on during the game against the Arkansas Razorbacks at Bryant-Denny Stadium on September 24, 2011 in Tuscaloosa, Alabama.  (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)
Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

To the man making millions a year like Saban is, it really is all about the personal touch. He can buy anything he’d want, so consider the Blu-ray version of Flipper to help Mr. Rammer Jammer himself remember the good ol’ days at Joe Robbie. If that seems too mean-spirited, you can always just go with lifts, right?

 

Bob Stoops

WACO, TX - NOVEMBER 19:  Head coach Bob Stoops of the Oklahoma Sooners at Floyd Casey Stadium on November 19, 2011 in Waco, Texas.  (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)
Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

Nobody knows better than our pal Bob how scary it can get at night sometimes. Even though it seems beneath, you just know he’ll love his new nightlight, and hey, it’s Sooner-themed and travel size—great for the road!

 

Les Miles

ATLANTA, GA - DECEMBER 03:  Head coach Les Miles and the LSU Tigers puts on an SEC Champions hat as he celebrates their 42-10 win over the Georgia Bulldogs during the 2011 SEC Championship Game at Georgia Dome on December 3, 2011 in Atlanta, Georgia.  (Ph
Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

He already has the shoes and hat he needs, so I’d be willing to shell out premium coin if somebody could fashion an adult version of the always popular toddler leash to help Les avoid rogue players running out of the tunnel beside him or even just to keep him running to the right sideline. You can never be too careful.

 

Chip Kelly

TUCSON, AZ - SEPTEMBER 24:  Head coach Chip Kelly of the Oregon Ducks looks up during the college football game against the Arizona Wildcats at Arizona Stadium on September 24, 2011 in Tucson, Arizona.  (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)
Christian Petersen/Getty Images

Sometimes after big wins, you just want privacy during your postgame interview and those damn kids keep insisting on being loud and happy in your personal space. With Chip Kelly’s new portable, midfield gazebo, all problems are solved—coach and reporter have their space, and spazzed-out onlookers get their precious Today show moment. Oh, and no checks accepted—cash only.

 

Mike Leach

LUBBOCK, TX - NOVEMBER 01:  Head coach Mike Leach of the Texas Tech Red Raiders coaches from the sidelines during the game against  the Texas Longhorns on November 1, 2008 at Jones Stadium in Lubbock, Texas.  (Photo by Jamie Squire/Getty Images)
Jamie Squire/Getty Images

By now, the pirate stuff is probably played out, and with Leach moving to Pullman, he’s probably looking for a new aggressive culture to tap into. I have no idea which direction Leach should look in, but if he’s gone as far as he can with the sword, it may be time for some football comparisons to the almighty blowgun. Why? I have no idea, but Mike Leach with a blowgun terrifies me.

 

Mack Brown

COLUMBIA, MO - NOVEMBER 12:  Head coach Mack Brown of the Texas Longhorns watches from the sidelines during the game against the Missouri Tigers on November 12, 2011 at Faurot Field/Memorial Stadium in Columbia, Missouri.  (Photo by Jamie Squire/Getty Ima
Jamie Squire/Getty Images

This one stumped me—how do you gift-wrap the ability to recruit and develop a competent quarterback?

 

Bo Pelini

LINCOLN, NE - OCTOBER 29: Nebraska Cornhusker head coach Bo Pelini reacts to a penalty during their game against the Michigan State Spartans at Memorial Stadium October 29, 2011 in Lincoln, Nebraska.  Nebraska defeated Michigan State 24-3. (Photo by Eric
Eric Francis/Getty Images

Watching Pelini during a big game against a ranked team trying to make sense of Taylor Martinez's attempts at throwing the ball downfield has become too much to ignore. He’s frustrated, we’re frustrated—something clearly must be done. It always seems healthier, just in general, to embrace certain flaws rather than try to fix them.

For this, it’s time for Pelini to embrace Martinez’s throwing motion and help him to perfect whatever it is he’s trying to do...with an authentic javelin. I anticipate tears of joy.

 

Urban Meyer

COLUMBUS, OH - NOVEMBER 28:  Urban Meyer speaks to the media after being introduced as the new head coach of Ohio State football on November 28, 2011 in Columbus, Ohio. (Photo by Jamie Sabau/Getty Images)
Jamie Sabau/Getty Images

Nobody wants the Buckeyes to go through the troubles they’ve seen this past year, and to ensure a fresh start, it’s imperative that they do things the right way in Columbus…with a Deluxe Home Tattoo Kit! No more sneaking around, no more shady dealings—it’s all out in the open now! Also, you should note that any time you give Meyer a gift, be sure to request a gift receipt—he’s been known to change his mind about how enthusiastic he feels towards pretty much anything.

 

Mike Gundy

LUBBOCK, TX - NOVEMBER 12:  Head coach Mike Gundy of the Oklahoma State Cowboys at Jones AT&T Stadium on November 12, 2011 in Lubbock, Texas.  (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)
Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

Fact: Some people have rhythm and some people don’t. Follow-up fact: Mike Gundy has rhythm and deserves a trunk filled with every dance video game that exists. Hell, T. Boone could probably even spring for the full Dance Dance Revolution machine, can’t he?

 

Steve Spurrier

COLUMBIA, SC - OCTOBER 01:  Head coach Steve Spurrier watches on before their game against the Auburn Tigers at Williams-Brice Stadium on October 1, 2011 in Columbia, South Carolina.  (Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)
Streeter Lecka/Getty Images

There’s no slowing Spurrier—he’s 66 and still has the drive of a newly-hired head coach. For the man that’s always in the film room, on the practice fields or on the road recruiting, the Old Ball Coach is practically begging for some time off to take up a new hobby. Maybe this’ll convince him to give golf a shot.

 

Brian Kelly

ANN ARBOR, MI - SEPTEMBER 10:  Head coach Brian Kelley of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish reacts as the Michigan Wolverines kick a extra point after scoring the game winning touchdown with two second left at Michigan Stadium on September 10, 2010 in Ann Arb
Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

It’s always boots with Kelly. Always boots. He loves boots. Seriously, just ask him. Loves the boots. If he insists he has enough classy Southwestern footwear, though, it couldn’t hurt to wrap a nice throw pillow for Kelly to scream into any time he needs to let out some old-fashioned BK rage. I think we can all agree that the birdie adds a nice, calm touch.

 

Dan Rubenstein co-hosts The Solid Verbal college football podcast and can be followed on Twitter here.