Coming down to the wire, many teams in NFL are still in the hunt for the playoffs. Since so many games and tiebreakers will come into play this Sunday, I have gathered all the scenarios and situations that can help certain teams get into the postseason. This is the most comprehensive list you will find on the internet, so please pass this on to your friends who are bewildered by the whole situation.
Chicago Bears, Carolina Panthers Front-Runners
The Chicago Bears have been scratching and clawing their way to the post-season all year, but a little-known NFL clause automatically puts them into the playoffs.
The Less-Than-Mediocre-QB-With-Great-Defensive-Team-Going-To-The-Superbowl rule states that a team ( or teams ) should go to the playoffs if they have a horrible quarterback that the defensive squad has to save constantly to continue a great season.
Kyle Orton was notified of the rule, and was ecstatic.
"I try my best to the absolute bare minimum for my team," says Orton, as he watches old Rex Grossman games from the 2006 season. Pointing at the video screen, he whispers, "You don't know how much I emulate Rex. The overthrows, the red zone hiccups. No one does it better."
Lance Briggs praises Kyle Orton's shortcomings
"In practice, we don't even run offensive plays anymore", says Briggs. "We just have Orton throw the ball to our defense, and we come up with schemes of how to score touchdowns off of interceptions. If it wasn't for Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman, we would never have enough practice to be able to score more than the offensive squad. They are a blessing in disguise."
The Carolina Panthers are infuriated with the swagger of offensive lousiness that the Bears have been showing off this year.
"I'm worse than Kyle Orton! I deserve to go to the Super Bowl," spouts a heated Jake Delhomme, carrying scouting videos of Shaun King, Akili Smith, Quincy Carter, and Steve Bono into the media room.
"If it wasn't for Steve Smith, my passer rating would be 23.5. I think the Bears should watch out, because there are other great defensive teams with horrible quarterbacks. If we meet in the playoffs, and I throw 7 picks, they will know who the real Super Bowl champion will be."
The Bill Belichick Clause
Because Roger Goodell felt a little sad from the harsh punishment given to Bill Belichick for the Spygate scandal, he inserted a Bill Belichick clause, whereby the Patriots can make the playoffs if they win against the Buffalo Bills on Sunday, and Belichick must wear an Old Navy baby blue turtleneck sweater.
Roger Goodell talks about the clause.
"Spygate was overblown, so we added this in with the rule committee," says Goodell. "At the same time, we had to enforce a change on Belichick's wardrobe. It was getting out of hand. At one point, we had to force him to stay in the locker room because he was planning to come out a 70's disco shirt, stone-washed jeans, combat boots, and earmuffs!"
Asked why they choose the turtleneck sweater, Roger Goodell tries to hold back his chuckles.
"It would be the most hilarious thing to ever witness! Bill Belichick calling a safety blitz wearing that outfit. C'mon! Youtube would be shut down, there be so many people looking for the replay."
Bill Belichick, a man of few cliches, replies to the clause.
"Our team's job is to look at the season game-by-game. We will go back and look at video of other game's to see what my wardrobe is, and prepare for Sunday's game. The Buffalo Bills are an amazing team. The sky is blue, two plus two is four, and my name is Bill Belichick."
Matt Cassel didn't seemed to be fazed by the news of the clause.
"Money,money,money,money! Mooooooonnneeey!" Cassel seemed to be referring to the big contract he will be receiving during the offseason.
The NFL BCS System
Stemming from a rise in complaints over teams with great records not making the playoffs, the NFL is considering dissolving all the divisions and creating a ranking system based on the Bowl Championship Series System used by the NCAA for its collegiate football league.
Under this system, the twelve playoff spots are based on ranking, and not on division wins and record. If the NFL decides to use this system because of the complaints of 8-8 teams making the playoffs, here is what we will see in January 2009:
(6) Cincinatti Bengals (3-11-1) vs. (7) Indianapolis Colts (11-4)
(5) The New England Patriots (10-5) vs. (8) Ball State (12-1)
(4) The Pittsburg Steelers (11-4) vs. (9) Carolina Panthers (11-4)
(3) The New York Giants (12-3) vs. (10) The Atlanta Falcons (10-5)
(2) The Baltimore Ravens (10-5) vs. (11) Seattle Seahawks (4-11)
(1) The New York Yankees (N/A) vs. (12) The Dallas Cowboys (9-6)
Even with much evidence to the contrary, BCS officials site that the ranking system is far more superior than the playoff format. Former Ball State head coach Brady Hoke, also agrees.
"Well, I guess I gotta go back and bring these kids to Foxboro. Thank you BCS! Without this system, college football would be so much more organized and sensible. You gotta love the chaos and absurdity. How else would ESPN/Disney make any money?The Romo-Owens-Witten love triangle can only go so far."
The Poodle Kick
A new stipulation in the NFL rulebook allows that any team, regardless of record, can make the playoffs if they can hit the longest field-goal on Sunday. The trouble is, the kicker cannot use a professional-rated football, but Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen's poodle.
Matt Bryant, kicker for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, is salivating over the playoff rule.
"Our team takes an intense approach to screwing up in the red zone," says Bryant, as he practices 30-yard chip-shots. "Sometimes, I try to get my my coach ( Gruden ) to put me out there at first down, so we can skip all the insanity. I have kicked so many field goals this year, I am very prepared to pooch Tom Brady's poodle through the uprights. Hell, with all this practice, I can probably kick a 20-pound bag of rice through!"
"You would think with the whole Vick situation that people would be upset about the rule's treatment towards dogs," adds Bryant. "But there is such a fervent hatred for Tom Brady that people would join Al-Queda if it somehow would make his life more miserable."
When confronting Brady about the rule, Tom became visibly upset.
"F&^K Matt Cassel," he screams. " He is taking all of my fame. I could care less about the rule. I only used the dog to attract women, and now Cassel is hogging the spotlight. F#%K Matt Cassel! And f*&k his ability to run faster than me."
Tom Brady chucks a football in madness across the room, which fell right into the hands of Jabar Gafney, and dropped. It was noticeable as Tom walked away, that he actually had no leg. Not a boot for a sprained ankle, or a limp from torn ligaments, but an entire leg was missing from his body. In the entire NFL history, there has never been a quarterback who has played with one leg. The Patriots are nonetheless still secretive about his status for 2009.
When talking to Matt Cassel over Tom Brady's outburst, Matt Cassel replied:
"I'm Rick James, bitch."
This seemed to be more in reference to the enormous amount of drugs he will be able to buy from his huge bonus coming his way after this season is over.
Well, you have just been updated to all the scenarios and outcomes for the NFL playoffs. If you still are scratching your head over these situations, feel free to contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.