Coming down to the wire, many teams in NFL are still in the hunt for the playoffs. Since so many games and tiebreakers will come into play this Sunday, I have gathered all the scenarios and situations that can help certain teams get into the postseason. This is the most comprehensive list you will find on the internet, so please pass this on to your friends who are bewildered by the whole situation.
Chicago Bears, Carolina Panthers Front-Runners
The Chicago Bears have been scratching and clawing their way to the post-season all year, but a little-known NFL clause automatically puts them into the playoffs.
The Less-Than-Mediocre-QB-With-Great-Defensive-Team-Going-To-The-Superbowl rule states that a team ( or teams ) should go to the playoffs if they have a horrible quarterback that the defensive squad has to save constantly to continue a great season.
Kyle Orton was notified of the rule, and was ecstatic.
"I try my best to the absolute bare minimum for my team," says Orton, as he watches old Rex Grossman games from the 2006 season. Pointing at the video screen, he whispers, "You don't know how much I emulate Rex. The overthrows, the red zone hiccups. No one does it better."
Lance Briggs praises Kyle Orton's shortcomings
"In practice, we don't even run offensive plays anymore", says Briggs. "We just have Orton throw the ball to our defense, and we come up with schemes of how to score touchdowns off of interceptions. If it wasn't for Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman, we would never have enough practice to be able to score more than the offensive squad. They are a blessing in disguise."
The Carolina Panthers are infuriated with the swagger of offensive lousiness that the Bears have been showing off this year.
"I'm worse than Kyle Orton! I deserve to go to the Super Bowl," spouts a heated Jake Delhomme, carrying scouting videos of Shaun King, Akili Smith, Quincy Carter, and Steve Bono into the media room.
"If it wasn't for Steve Smith, my passer rating would be 23.5. I think the Bears should watch out, because there are other great defensive teams with horrible quarterbacks. If we meet in the playoffs, and I throw 7 picks, they will know who the real Super Bowl champion will be."
The Bill Belichick Clause
Because Roger Goodell felt a little sad from the harsh punishment given to Bill Belichick for the Spygate scandal, he inserted a Bill Belichick clause, whereby the Patriots can make the playoffs if they win against the Buffalo Bills on Sunday, and Belichick must wear an Old Navy baby blue turtleneck sweater.
Roger Goodell talks about the clause.
"Spygate was overblown, so we added this in with the rule committee," says Goodell. "At the same time, we had to enforce a change on Belichick's wardrobe. It was getting out of hand. At one point, we had to force him to stay in the locker room because he was planning to come out a 70's disco shirt, stone-washed jeans, combat boots, and earmuffs!"
Asked why they choose the turtleneck sweater, Roger Goodell tries to hold back his chuckles.
"It would be the most hilarious thing to ever witness! Bill Belichick calling a safety blitz wearing that outfit. C'mon! Youtube would be shut down, there be so many people looking for the replay."
Bill Belichick, a man of few cliches, replies to the clause.
"Our team's job is to look at the season game-by-game. We will go back and look at video of other game's to see what my wardrobe is, and prepare for Sunday's game. The Buffalo Bills are an amazing team. The sky is blue, two plus two is four, and my name is Bill Belichick."
Matt Cassel didn't seemed to be fazed by the news of the clause.
"Money,money,money,money! Mooooooonnneeey!" Cassel seemed to be referring to the big contract he will be receiving during the offseason.
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