NFL Week 16: Letters to the League

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NFL Week 16: Letters to the League

To: The Dallas Cowboys

Re: America's team?

Is it ironic that in the last game of your historic stadium most of America couldn't see the game?

And also, those that were able to see the game on the NFL N knew the Ravens were going to run the ball at the end of the game.

Call me Captain Obvious, but you have to tackle a runner to stop him. By my count there were nine men in the box and five missed tackles on McClain's run.

 

To: Jason Jones

Re: Your big moment

Welcome to the rest of your career, rookie. With Haynesworth out, you came through with the biggest game of your short time in the NFL. You may parlay that into a starting spot next season. If you can turn in 3.5 sacks and create some fumbles every few games, who needs Haynesworth?

In this economy you always have to find values and deals, and the Titans may have just found one in you.

 

To: NFL referees

Re: Bad call

All those times as a kid when I thought I was making snow angels, I never realized what I was actually doing was acting with unsportsmanlike conduct. 

 

To: Alex Brown

Re: Stayin' alive

It was so cold in Chicago Monday night that I expected to see your hand shatter when you blocked that kick.

 

To: NFL playoff scenarios

Re: If Team X wins, Team Y loses, and Team B...

Can this get any more complicated?

It's almost as difficult as the BCS ranking calculations and the college basketball RPI formula.

I guess this is what they meant by "parity." Just furthering that "any given Sunday" notion.

 

To: Plaxico Burress

Re: When it rains, it pours

It came out this week that you were in a car crash in May and you're being sued because you were uninsured. In fact, the insurance had lapsed just three days before the accident.

What's next? Your gun was not registered. Your car was uninsured. Will your power get turned off because your bill didn't get paid?

Plax, you need a new personal assistant.

 

To: Rob Parker

Re: Summin' up the season

Your line to Marinelli on Sunday gets you quote of the year.

"On a light note, do you wish your daughter would have married a better defensive coordinator?"

I know it's been a long year in Detroit and finding storylines must have been tough. I bet you waited all year for just the right moment to pop that one. Week 17's loss would have been untimely, as the big story will be the defeated season.

Week 16 was perfect timing.

And forget what Bradshaw said. You're not a disgrace to your profession. I thought it was clever. I wish I'd thought of it.

 

To: The Ford family

Re: Buyouts

Look at it this way. From 0-16 to the playoffs next year will make for a better story than the Dolphins this year.

Maybe you guys need to consider selling. The auto industry is looking tough right about now.

On the other hand, what money you have you should consider throwing at Bill Cowher. Just stay out of his way and let him run the whole franchise.

 

To: Roy Williams

Re: A first and a third

You deserve better, man. You wouldn't know it by looking at the numbers, but you're probably the superior receiver in Dallas.

Get your aspirin out for next year though. While you can expect to become a much bigger part of the offense, you-know-who won't like that too much.

 

To: Brett Favre

Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: Eh

Why should I give up now? It just gets better each week.

What is with you guys and the freaking West Coast? Four losses?

One touchdown. That's what you've contributed in the last four games.

Mangini put all his cards in your basket. And it all comes down to the dilemma to end all dilemmas next week. You win and the Patriots go to the playoffs. You lose and they don't. That's quite a conundrum.

 

To: The Nickname Fairies

Re: Run its course

Can we please come up with a new nickname for a running back tandem that features one hard-running back and one elusive and quick back?

I'm so sick of "Smash-n-Dash." It's running rampant throughout the league.

It started in Tennessee, and LenDale White gave a great line about it. Speaking to the Panthers' running backs who were starting to steal the "smash-n-dash" spotlight a few weeks back, he said they should be called "identity and theft."

 

To: Norv Turner

Re: That's the best you can do?

Dude, don't think for a second that finishing .500 and in the playoffs can make you comfortable again.

You're sitting on a gold mine, and that team should be playing better than what you've turned in this year.

 

To: Todd Kobus

Re: One shining moment

Fan of the year. Who cares that you're being charged with trespassing and assault and battery. How many people can say they tackled a professional football player?

You also get "the worst excuse of the year" award for saying you only meant to hug him.

I hope you got a good lick on him.

 

To: Braylon Edwards

Re: The spirit of the season

I'm going to share your comments just so you can see what they actually look like on paper:

I've given my all to this city for four years, and I realize it will never be enough. I went to the Pro Bowl last year and resurrected this team from the darkness, and nobody cared... My biggest problem is that I actually give a damn. I'm always rushing back from surgeries and injuries, never missing games or practices. But through this, I've learned how to overcome adversity. I'm also proud of how much my foundation has taken off. I've been doing all this community service in Cleveland. My charity efforts will only be in Detroit from now on.

Ouch. That's a pretty harsh thing to say at Christmas.

"Resurrected from darkness"? I think comments like that should be reserved for Atlanta. And yes, you had a good season last year, but what about this year? You lead the league in dropped passes, dude.

It's probably not a stretch to say that the fans that are giving you a hard time are not on the receiving end of your "community service."

It's never a good idea to make a statement like this, but this one particularly reeks of bad timing.

 

To: Letters to the League readers

Re: Season's Greetings

Happy Holidays to everyone!

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