Let Bob Gainey Do His Job, Montreal

Bradley KarpCorrespondent IDecember 21, 2008

If you live in Montreal you know what I am talking about when I say that anyone can do better than Bob Gainey. Whoever you talk to would do this or that, trade this player for that, and hire this coach and fire that one. In one of Canada's largest cities, that's a lot of people better than Gainey.

I have lived in Montreal for 18 years and I have always said that teams need time to perform. However, most Canadiens fans seem to forget that there are 82 games in a season, and that losing four games in a row before Christmas will not make or break a cup run.

Since I am now the sports editor for my college paper, it seems that every idiot armchair GM has to tell me how great their plan is.

I have laughed at some suggestions and given others serious thought, all the while saying that this team needs time. It seems I was right, Kovy has found his touch and Price is coming back. The team is in the same position as last year, while being better suited for the playoffs.

Seeing how the Habs seem to have found their groove, I'm going to give you my ultimate list of what I have heard, all from amateur Montreal fans, who have no idea what they are talking about. Some is real, some is fiction, all of it is stupid.

No. 1—The first move I would make as the GM of the Montreal Canadiens would be to fire Guy Carbonneau and hire Mr. T. Imagine pre-game locker speeches riddled with "I pity the fool" (because we all know Carbonneau is an incompetent and unproven coach).

No.2—I would lower the price of all tickets by 30 percent, thus giving more fans the opportunity to watch the game. (At the same time I will lower profit margins during an economic decline and not have enough money to pay salaries up to the cap, lowering the standard of play on the team.)

No. 3—Trade away all European players, especially Koivu and Kovalev, for North American fourth line players (because we all know that Euro players have no heart, especially when they come back from cancer).

No. 4—Make all fourth line players our first liners so that teams will be intimidated to play us, and pay them the most because they have the hardest job. (Because The Hockey News said that Steve Begin is going to break out and have a 30 goal campaign)

No. 5—Make a special day each month where one lucky fan gets to run the team (because fans are always right).

No. 6—Move the Canadiens back to the Forum, because we haven't won a Stanley Cup since. (Obviously it's to our advantage to lose almost 5000 fans per-game, especially in the playoffs when atmosphere is everythingcan. Not to mention that the training facilities at the forum are way more high tech, they just installed their first LED light!)

No. 7—Get George Gillett to sell the team, he is not involved enough with the team, he does not make any decisions. (Well he's obviously not the GM! Look at Oakland and Al Davis, and the Cowboys and Jerry Jones. Along with the fact that he cares about the Canadiens and it is not just a "business".)

No. 8—Have a 2:1 French to English player ratio; the team is in Quebec we should have Quebecois players. (Because it is pretty obvious that all the best players in the world are from Quebec. Ovechkin,Malkin,Crosby,Thornton and Iginla all sound so Quebecois to me!)

No. 9—Trade Carey Price. Imagine his market value! We could get a solid player and a draft pick, then use that pick to draft another great young goalie of his caliber to replace him. (Obviously this makes sense, trade the greatest goaltending prospect in over a decade. Because players like Price obviously come around all the time.)

No. 10—Move the team to Saudi Arabia. The team would not have to pay 78 percent property taxes, allowing them to lower the ticket price by 30 percent. We would be able to build our own hockey market there and have first dibs on the untapped Saudi hockey talents.

The move would remove the team's pressure to win, which sometimes impedes their progress, and players would most likely be more interested to play in a less frenzied environment. Also, if they build the arena on an oil field, they could own a petrol processing plant, bringing in extra revenue!