7 Owners L.A. Dodgers Fans Would Never Want to See Buy the Team

Sam BullardContributor IIINovember 24, 2011

7 Owners L.A. Dodgers Fans Would Never Want to See Buy the Team

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    The L.A. Dodgers have a good amount of buzz going on right now. Thanks in large part to Clayton Kershaw's NL Cy Young win and Matty Kemp being snubbed for the NL MVP, now seems as good a time as any to take a closer look at the Dodgers' owner search.

    Now, you might be thinking to yourself: I've read everything there is to read about the Dodger sale. I'm over it.

    To that, I say: Don't ever interrupt me, and very few people have looked at the owner search from the perspective of an actual Dodger fan.

    Also, everybody talks about who the best fit would be for the Dodgers organization, but it takes a cynic to focus on the owners we, the fans, wouldn't approve of.

    Now, submitted for your disapproval, here are seven owners fans would never want to see buy the L.A. Dodgers.

Mark Cuban

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    Here's the deal. I really like Mark Cuban.

    The general consensus seems to be in favor of Cuban. But more often than you'd expect, I hear a lot of griping from Dodger fans that Cuban is neither a Dodger fan nor an Angeleno.

    Therefore, I am bound by the laws of being a pro bono sportswriter to uphold a respect for the general perspective, which is that apparently Dodger fans don't want Cuban to run the club.

    Now that I've upheld my sacred oath, I have to let you know that you're an idiot. In response to the average Cuban concern, I can first assure you that if he were to buy the team (worth an estimated $800 million), you can bet your ass he'd be one of the biggest Dodger fans on the planet. If I spent $35 on a Marlins hat, rest assured they'd immediately become my front-running team. I'm a cheap, cheap man.

    As for the fans that don't want a Pennsylvania native running a Los Angeles team, he's not from Dallas either, and the Mavericks just won a championship. Not to mention L.A. Lakers owner Jerry Buss is from Utah, and they seem to be doing just fine.

    End rant. Cubes for president.

Peter O'Malley

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    Within the whirlwind of rumors swirling around Chavez Ravine, Peter O'Malley's name seems to be echoing pretty loudly.

    The nerve of this guy. Does he think we forgot his tenure as Dodgers owner the last time? Well, I wasn't alive for the first half, but regardless of records or standings, he ultimately jumped ship in 1998 when he sold the team to News Corp. and notorious [feces] head Rupert Murdoch.

    O'Malley's attempts to buy back the Dodgers should be taken with the same grain of salt given to a girlfriend that just wants to get back with her ex because he started hitting the gym and has to fend off women with a stick...or baseball bat. Although I'm pretty sure a baseball bat can be considered a deadly weapon. Don't ask me how I know that...I've seen things.

    Keep walking, O'Malley. We don't need you.

Time Warner

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    I should immediately discount any credibility Time Warner may have solely on the grounds that both their Internet and cable provisions suck.

    While from a business standpoint this would be fantastic for Time Warner, considering it wouldn't have to purchase exclusive rights to the Dodgers, as it'd already own them, I'm still not buying.

    On the whole, I've never been a big fan of companies owning teams. Clubs like the Green Bay Packers are owned by the fans, and they're the winningest franchise in the NFL. That, however, seems to be the exception, and we'll have to settle for one very rich WASPY fellow.

    Not to mention, the last corporation to own the Dodgers (News Corp.) sold to Frank McCourt. Thanks a bundle.

Alan Casden

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    I have to admit, I thought Alan Casden, a real estate mogul from Beverly Hills, was a good idea at first: lots of money, entrepreneurial spirit and a hometown boy. That was, however, until he revealed his intent to demolish Dodger Stadium upon purchase to make way for a monstrosity downtown.

    Look, I'm not a traditionalist, but if the first thing I hear out of a potential buyer's mouth is that he wants to crush, burn and rebuild, I don't know how I feel about that.

    Am I against a new Dodgers Stadium? No, but I don't have a ton of faith in a guy willing to destroy 50 years of local history just to soak up the runoff crowd from Laker games.

    Maybe start with a plan for the nightmare of a parking lot first, Al.

Frank McCourt

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    Waste of a slide? Probably, but I dare you to disagree.

Larry King

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    This guy actually dodged trolleys to get to games in Brooklyn. He's out of touch, can't actually afford it and the last thing the team needs is another divorce.

    If Larry King buys the Dodgers, I really will buy a Marlins hat.

Chinese Mafia

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    No, seriously, this actually happened.

    According to Los Angeles Times reporter Steve Dilbeck, the Chinese mafia put in a $1.2 billion bid for the club in September. I'm not against this sale because they're a crime syndicate; I just don't imagine they know much about baseball.