Philip Rivers Stinks! Fantasy Football Owner Laments over His Lousy Team

Mike StangerCorrespondent INovember 19, 2011

SAN DIEGO, CA - NOVEMBER 10:   Philip Rivers #17 of the San Diego Chargers reacts during a 24-17 loss to the Oakland Raiders at Qualcomm Stadium on November 10, 2011 in San Diego, California.  (Photo by Harry How/Getty Images)
Harry How/Getty Images

The plan seemed foolproof.  I had done several mock drafts beforehand, so I felt confident that an undefeated season not only was possible, but was highly probable. 

My genius was absolute.

Draft day arrived, and I took the helm in front of my laptop.  I had the fifth pick in the first round.  Not ideal, but not horrible, either.

I waited anxiously as the four people ahead of me made their picks.  Some dope took Matt Schaub before me.  My heart raced a little as I cautiously made my first pick:

Arian Foster.

Yes!  My first pick was a "can't miss"—at least that's what the "experts" said.

I congratulated myself for making such a clutch pick.  Not only was I brilliant for taking a stud running back in the first round, I also had a nice pool of quarterbacks still available for me in the second.

Brady, Brees and Rodgers were gone, of course.  So was Peyton Manning.  Obviously, the fool who took Manning hadn't been paying attention, so he just wasted a pick. 

Presently, it was my turn.  Just like in my mock drafts, Philip Rivers was available.  Oh, my fortunes!  A stud running back in the first round and a solid, consistent quarterback in the second!

After all, how could I go wrong with taking Rivers?  He was money.  During the past three seasons, he averaged over 30 touchdown passes and had a passing rating over 100.  He also lead the league in passing yardage last year.

This was all too easy, like taking candy from a baby.  My foundation was set; glory was mine.

The rest of the rounds were irrelevant to me, so I decided to take a different strategy with my team.  I borrowed from the "Al Davis Team Building" curriculum.  Yes, I would go for the castoffs and ne'er-do-wells of the league.  This strategy, however, has a couple of major flaws. 

First, it hasn't worked for Al Davis in over 25 years.  Second—particularly regarding the wide receivers—it doesn't make a bit of difference who you take if the person throwing him the ball sucks. 

Such was the case with two of my wide receivers, Lee Evans and Plaxico Burress.  Sure, they both had the potential to break out, but it sure as hell wasn't going to happen with Joe Flacco and Mark Sanchez, respectively, throwing them the ball.

My other State Penn alumni (to complement Burress) were Cedric Benson and Sebastian Janikowski.  Indeed, I was building a team worthy of the California Penal League.

Lastly, I rounded out my team with Mark Sanchez as the backup (see previous comment).

Well, the season started off with a bang as Marques Colston, my other receiver, broke his collar bone during the Saints-Packers opening game on Thursday night.  Then, I got the word that Arian Foster was out due to a hamstring injury. 

The wheels were starting to come off the sports car.

I still had Philip Rivers, though.  I knew that he'd help me weather the storm.  Little did I know that this would be the year that Rivers forgot how to throw the football and, more importantly, to whom he should throw the football.

My team was ruined.  To add insult to injury, Benson got suspended and, when I finally decided to bench Burress because of a lack of production, he scored three touchdowns.  It got so bad that during one week, Janikowski scored more points than Rivers. 

How in the hell does your kicker score more points than your supposedly "ringer" quarterback?

Now, I'm the laughingstock of my league.  In other words, I've become like Al Davis.

At least my family still loves me even though I’m a lousy owner.

Man, Philip Rivers stinks!