If the rest of the Cleveland Browns' fans are like me, the holidays seem a bit blue this time around. You're slightly bummed because of how helpless the team looks, holiday lights just don't shine as brightly as they used to, and whatever Browns ornaments you used to decorate your Christmas tree seem to hang lower than all the rest.
In attempts to brighten the rough times, I've decided to try and cover this dismal season holiday style. We've spent the past 14 weeks venting on the Bleacher Report about how awful it's been, so I'll attempt to discuss the 4-10 term with a different route.
I figured I might as well try and inject some Christmas spirit into these gloomy days, and I do so with the Twelve Days of a Cleveland Browns Christmas
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my Brownies gave to me:
12 Seconds of Free Time
This is actually a gift we give opposing quarterbacks who spend the entire game dropping back and, whether or not we blitz three guys or 16, still end up feeling more protected than the Pentagon itself.
For those of us watching at home, we could see the snap, surf through every channel our television has to offer, and come back to see the QB going through his seventh, eighth, and ninth reads of the play. And if you zoom out, you can see Eric Wright and Brandon McDonald getting burned so badly they need skin grafts.
11 on the Field
I don't mean 11 players, I mean No. 11 Ken Dorsey. He shouldn't be there. In fact, simply saying "Ken Dorsey is starting Sunday" really describes 2008 in a nutshell for the Browns. As good as the "third stringer comes in and leads the team to glory" routine would've been, no one seriously figured on seeing that here.
No offense, Ken, but I struggle to believe you even start yourself when you're playing Madden NFL '09. So you'll have to forgive the entire NFL Fantasy Football audience for not leaping out of their seats and cutting Drew Brees so they could sign you to their teams when Derek Anderson went down.
10 Too Many Field Goals
If anyone on this year's team deserves to break records, it's Phil Dawson. Yet, you have to assume that even he was wondering, "Is it really a good thing if the only person on this team lighting up the scoreboard is the place kicker?"
He should be pretty thankful for this offense though, as they are usually nice enough to give him a generous spot to kick from. Typically it's the one-yard line.
9 Total Starts
That would be the glaring stat of Donte Stallworth, our supposed big free agent signing last offseason. Stallworth missed the majority of his games due to an injury sustained during a pregame warmup (15 weeks later, it still sounds pathetic).
However, it's not like he does much when he's actually on the field either. Often when watching games and seeing the lineups scroll across the screen, I find myself saying, "Wait, we have Stallworth? When did that happen?" Then I try to imagine just what exactly he does during his pregame routine.
I figure he walks up to the trainer, saying, "Well I'm all stretched out, now hit me seven times in the chest with this aluminum baseball bat. I'm going to show these guys how tough I really am."
8 Minutes of Offense
Anyone else wondering why exactly our first drive of the past couple games can get us all the way to the redzone and then, once Dawson puts us up 3-0, we cease participation in the game?
I guess Romeo gets all the guys together after the drive to say, "Alright, well we've scored all we can, start stalling so we can pull out a win." Only after the score shifts from 3-0 to 31-3 do we stop taking a metaphorical knee and start forcing passes into the defense's hands.
I'm still just so caught off guard about the idea of Crennel's job security being in trouble.
7 Decent Tackles
That's the combined total for the entire season. Other than that, we watch our defenders look like they're trying to create their own version of football follies. Pretty good stuff from our "improved defense."
Look, I love what Shaun Rogers is doing, but he can't be the only weapon. That's basically like trying to protect your yard by putting up one fence post. The majority of the teams will end up walking around the post, while the Lions will take multiple games to try and develop a strategy on how to outsmart it.
6 Points per Game
Remember when sports analysts fawned over our offense, claiming we could score on anybody? If anyone made such a claim these days they'd probably be fired before finishing the sentence. Said offense is apparently seeing a brick wall in front of the endzone which is only visible to them.
Making it all the more disappointing is the fact that our defense still somehow creates turnovers. I doubt they're thrilled when they march back to the sideline after picking off their third of the day, just to see Phil Dawson warming up on first and ten from our own 14-yard line.
16 comments Last one added 6 months ago — Leave a Comment
John Parker 6 months ago
Derek Anderson really said that... both comments he said just wow...
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Casey Drottar 6 months ago
Oh yes, he said them word for word. Now try imagining that you're a fan of this team
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Jeff Smirnoff 6 months ago
You are on crack if you think Cribbs should be the starting QB on this team.
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Mike Muratore 6 months ago
Still, the best Anderson quote was after the 2007 Cincinatti game when he threw 5 picks and choked away the Browns playoff chances. When asked about the 5 INT's Anderson replied with a smile on his face "Hey, at least it wasn't 6!"
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Will Gordon 6 months ago
what do you think the possibility of cowher going to the Browns are?
I will be LMAO when Braylon Edwards starts running his mouth in front of that jutting chin of iron. I hope he likes doing laps.
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Shawn Cohn 6 months ago
Haha, great article. The ending made me laugh.
But hey, Chin Up, The Jets went 4-12 last year, and look at them now. Now all you need is to let Brett Favre come out of retirement next year, and join the Browns...
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Casey Drottar 6 months ago
yes, in the end of the day one would probably have to be on crack to assume Cribbs should start at qb, but he isn't getting enough of the flash package, even though they tell him in practice that he will be. Either way, I just enjoyed how blunt DA was about that one, and this season has done everything but drive me to many illegal things
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Donna Cavanagh 6 months ago
This is such a creative and great piece! I really hope your Browns come through for you next year! Cleveland fans certainly deserve it.
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Joshua Joffrion 6 months ago
Ditto
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Mike Muratore 6 months ago
GREAT read. I'd tell you how DAMN funny I thought it was if I weren't so DEPRESSED that EVERY word of it is TRUE!
Maybe we should start playing the Lions every year... between us, them, and Cincy, we could have a nice little three-way-rivalry going. You can't really call Pittsburgh or Baltimore a rivalry anymore... because we never beat them.
Anderson is useless. His comments prove that. The most on-target pass he threw all year was the one to Suggs that went to the house against him. It hit him right in the hands!
So what ARE the chances we get Cowher?
It better be someone with some fire and some balls... someone to drag K2 or BE off the field by their facemask spitting in thier face all the way back to the bench...
These babies need a good kick in the nuts every once in a while.
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Tim Bax 6 months ago
5 Staph Infections.
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Casey Drottar 6 months ago
Yeah I thought about doing staph infections, but Joe Jurevicuis has already had 7 operations for staph, plus with Winslow, LeCharles Bentley, Braylon, and others, it just seemed like too many. Had the song been called "The 37 Days of Christmas," then I would've been all over that
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Roy L Fuchs 6 months ago
Current day 'browns' fans are a joke - after letting the nfl rip our team out of town because of that f-up Modell this is what you deserve. This team is a joke - if Jesus came down to coach this team he would go 5 & 11. All you modern day babies have a ton of excuses and just can't really look at how bad this whole operation is. Staph infections...coaches with no head coaching experience - just admit this team has 3 players worth keeping - Joe Thomas and the two kickers. Cowher would be a moron to take this job, and to think he would make any difference is, again, delusional. After being a season ticket holder for 8 years back at the old Stadium, when they moved the team, the real Browns died. I find it laughable when they celebrated the 60th anniversary - please explain how not having a team for 3 years counts towards this milestone. And I don't want any smoke & mirrors bs - if you don't field a real team - not some paper bs and play at least 1 game per year, your team is dead. It has always been so pathetic how the newbies rally around being able to keep the name and the colors - what an insult to the real Browns. These recent teams have made the name "Browns" synonymous with "Clowns" - a disgrace to what had been a proud franchise. What is Lerner's agreement with the nfl - to keep the team in Cleveland for at least 10 years...so maybe as the Cleveland Rams did 60 years ago, this team may be the next Cleveland football team to move to LA.
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peter silvestro 6 months ago
Change your team name. It is a curse.
The real Browns left Cleveland years ago.
How about the "DAWGS" or the Smashers.
Always been a Brown fan...but I have just lost interst in them.
Time for a new coach.
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Mr. Charming 6 months ago
Got a laugh out of this - a rare moment of mirth in a dreary season.
Perhaps all Browns fans need to come to terms with the possibility that Mr. Lerner's long term investment strategy includes owning one of the perpetually losing NFL teams; and that Art Modell ran the team much better than the Lerners, as sickening as that sounds.
The second generation owners of both Ohio NFL teams currently lack some combination of the ability, interest, or desire to make their franchises modestly competitive. Why care about rich boys broken toys?
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ryut rut 6 months ago
Blame the whole thing on the inept coaching of Romeo - If I was his boss he would have been fired after his first press conference (if you want to call these press conferences). If Romeo coached little league football, he probably gave his players trophies for last place. He instills such a false sense of accomplishment for lackluster performance. If he personally does not have the motivation to lose five pounds off his lazy and bloated frame (in the last 4 years), how can he motivate anyone on the field. Speaking of Cowher - the only thing that Cowher's in Cleveland are the reporters for not making Romeo stay late to answer tough questions during press conferences, instead of reciting the obvious to everyone each and every week. Even he thinks he does a great job. "Clueless in Cleveland" once again. Even more dumbfounding are the fans that even mentioned Marty's name - make sure the Brown's hire another coach that gets fired for no success like they always do.
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