When Moses came down from the mountain, most agree he was only lugging two stone tablets. But what if he had come down from Sinai with a few other instructions from the Big Sports Fan in the sky? You know, the one responsible for seemingly every championship win and every touchdown pass?
Seeing as my people have never really been known for sports, it's safe to say Moses probably wasn't carrying down the NFL Rule Book in his pocket (as my mother always said, "Nice Jewish boys don't play football, they own the teams").
But what if Ole' Moishe was toting some extra hardware? I'm pretty confident if he and the Almighty sat down for a little chat, sports would have had to come up at some point. So here's my rendition of what the Big Cheese would have had to say to the future athletes of the world:
The Ten Commandments of Baseball:
1. Thou shalt never play a night game on a Sunday.
2. Thou shalt cuff thine knickers at thine knee and adorn thy legs with stirrups. Bigger hole forward.
3. Thou shalt retaliate in kind.
4. Thou shalt never leave the field with a clean uniform.
5. Never on they field shalt thou walk. Always shouldst thou run, even if it's a pop fly.
6. Thou shalt evermore wear white at home, and not forsake its purity for a third alternate (Which bringeth us to our next commandment ...).
7. Thou shalt not covet thy fans' pocketbooks.
8. Never shall ye question thy Skipper in public.
9. Remember Opening Day, and keep it holy.
10. Thou shalt not question the umpire directly to his face, only under thine breath as thou lookest at the ground, and thou shalt not sayest a word about his mother.
The First-and-Ten Commandments of Football
1. Thou shalt walk it off.
2. Thou shalt not cheat (as long as someone is watching).
3. Thou shalt go for it on fourth-and-inches.
4. Thou shalt not take the names of Jim Thorpe, Vince Lombardi, or Walter Payton in vain.
5. Thou shalt not defile thy opponent's field, lest ye get trucked.
6. Thou shalt play in any weather: in the rain, sleet, snow, and in flaming hail.
7. Thou shalt not forsake the halfback pass.
8. Thou shalt not bear false witness to a forward lateral.
9. Honor the blockers, for they toil in silence.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's new stadium.
5 comments Last one added 5 months ago — Leave a Comment
Joel Creager 6 months ago
Soccer needs: No kicks to the crotch.
Very funny article.
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Ray Bogusz 6 months ago
Props for a Jim Thorpe reference.
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Ian Sheppard 6 months ago
I like the football stuff, particularly the T.O. reference (no. 5) and the love given to teams that don't just play in their silly domes (no. 6).
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Brandon Katz 6 months ago
Great article my man, creative and hilarious
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J.C. Ayvazi 5 months ago
Wonderful job with this Ryan, fully enjoyable read.
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