When Moses came down from the mountain, most agree he was only lugging two stone tablets. But what if he had come down from Sinai with a few other instructions from the Big Sports Fan in the sky? You know, the one responsible for seemingly every championship win and every touchdown pass?
Seeing as my people have never really been known for sports, it's safe to say Moses probably wasn't carrying down the NFL Rule Book in his pocket (as my mother always said, "Nice Jewish boys don't play football, they own the teams").
But what if Ole' Moishe was toting some extra hardware? I'm pretty confident if he and the Almighty sat down for a little chat, sports would have had to come up at some point. So here's my rendition of what the Big Cheese would have had to say to the future athletes of the world:
The Ten Commandments of Baseball:
1. Thou shalt never play a night game on a Sunday.
2. Thou shalt cuff thine knickers at thine knee and adorn thy legs with stirrups. Bigger hole forward.
3. Thou shalt retaliate in kind.
4. Thou shalt never leave the field with a clean uniform.
5. Never on they field shalt thou walk. Always shouldst thou run, even if it's a pop fly.
6. Thou shalt evermore wear white at home, and not forsake its purity for a third alternate (Which bringeth us to our next commandment ...).
7. Thou shalt not covet thy fans' pocketbooks.
8. Never shall ye question thy Skipper in public.
9. Remember Opening Day, and keep it holy.
10. Thou shalt not question the umpire directly to his face, only under thine breath as thou lookest at the ground, and thou shalt not sayest a word about his mother.
The First-and-Ten Commandments of Football
1. Thou shalt walk it off.
2. Thou shalt not cheat (as long as someone is watching).
3. Thou shalt go for it on fourth-and-inches.
4. Thou shalt not take the names of Jim Thorpe, Vince Lombardi, or Walter Payton in vain.
5. Thou shalt not defile thy opponent's field, lest ye get trucked.
6. Thou shalt play in any weather: in the rain, sleet, snow, and in flaming hail.
7. Thou shalt not forsake the halfback pass.
8. Thou shalt not bear false witness to a forward lateral.
9. Honor the blockers, for they toil in silence.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's new stadium.
The Ten Commandments of Basketball
1. Thou shalt not ask Coach to "give me the damn ball."
2. Thou shalt not flop.
3. Thou shalt not take His Airness Jordan's name in vain.
4. Thou shalt always practice.
5. Blessed are the passers, to whom sharing is an art.
6. Thou shalt covet thy neighbor's superstar.
7. Remember the great duos, and keep teamwork holy: Stockton and Malone, Jordan and Pippen, Magic and Kareem.
8. Thou shalt bestow upon thy heroes the greatest of nicknames: The Stilt, The Glide, and the King. Dr J, The Mailman, and the Admiral. The Dream, Magic, and the Zen Master.
9. Thou shalt not forsake the mid-range jumper.
10. Thou shalt covet every single loose ball.
The Ten Commandments of Hockey
1. Thou shalt grow a playoff beard.
2. Thou shalt never touch Gretzky, lest ye suffer the wrath of McSorley.
3. Thou shalt help lift up the fallen with the sound of sticks on the boards.
4. Never shalt thou lift the Cup, unless ye have rightfully won it.
5. Thou shalt not drop the Cup, lest ye be smote.
6. Thou shalt never check the goalie.
7. Thy sweaters shall be simple, with humble shoulder yokes, stripes on thy sleeves and above thy hemline, and they shall laceth up at the collar.
8. Honor thy fathers and thy mothers: The Original Six.
9. Lest ye be dishonorable, thou shalt remove thy helmet and thy gloves before single combat. Unless ye be a goalie, in which case thou shall gettest it on already.
10. Thou shalt never again wear No. 99.
And last, but not least, The Ten Commandments of Soccer
1. Thou shalt not act as though a sniper has smote ye.
2. Thou shalt smite hooligans, lest ye be smote first.
3. Thou shalt not neglect thy hair on the pitch.
4. Thou shalt not useth thine hands, lest thou usest the Hand of God.
5. Thou shalt always act innocent after a cleats-up tackle.
6. Be fruitful and bicycle kick.
7. Thou shalt leave thy rivalries between the lines.
8. Thou shalt praise the soccer gods by dancing, and honor them by sacrificing one piece of thy clothing per goal.
9. Thou shalt honor thy flag above all else, yet stand in humble reverence of thy opponent's in defeat.
10. Thou shalt complain about penalty kick shootouts, yet secretly revel in their holiness.
Thus sayeth the Lord. Now go out and playeth ball!