TNA Impact Wrestling: The "Didn't Even Watch It but Can Still Review It" Review

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TNA Impact Wrestling: The
The new Canuck Heavyweight Champ

There's a new TNA Heavyweight Champion, and I missed it.  Note to self: the "set to record every week" function on the DVR box is a handy thing.  So, all of my perspective on last night's episode came from other fine Bleacher Report correspondents who actually watched the show. 

This was bound to be a better show since it was taped in Macon, Georgia in front of legitimate fans rather than Orlando's WCW Saturday Night Zone. But my pre-show prediction to a TNA lover on Twitter, someone will say "ass-whipping", someone will say "balls", someone will say "tear this sumbitch down" or use other insider lingo probably came true.  Oh, and we have a new World Champ much sooner than we should.

James Storm talks to open the show...

...and promptly demonstrates why he shouldn't lose the championship so quickly.  Even though the squash win over Kurt Angle shouldn't have happened–you can't have one of the greatest of the last decade lose due to one superkick–Storm is one of the best talkers and personalities in TNA.  The person he called out to join him at the beginning of the show, soon to be ex-tag team partner Bobby Roode, is not.

Knockouts Tag Match–AKA my Fast Forward Button Finger Workout

I do not mean to offend any woman working in TNA or WWE.  I respect the fact that they work hard and take the bumps just as the men do.  They all could probably whip my behind.  That doesn't mean I have to watch the Knockouts/Divas matches. 

Garrett Bischoff's "Apology" to Daddy

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Last week's Impact ended with Garrett getting a beat down from Daddy and Psycho Ric Flair.  This week, Garrett called Eric out to ostensibly offer a more sincere apology.  Sure. 

If you believed that was going to happen, then next week, Flair will start offering personal finance tips.  Now that Eric got the whipping from his son, I suppose TNA is setting up a father/son match for a PPV.  Because we've never seen that before, have we?

The Guy Who Should Have Won The No. 1 Contender Match, plus More Bischoff

Samoa Joe is relegated to threatening Commissioner Sting if he doesn't treat Joe with respect.  He should have been wrestling for the World title this week, but c'est la booker.  Then, Bischoff wants to name an opponent for Garrett to face next week (Garrett's a wrestler?  Shocking!!!!).  Sting says he'll talk to Garrett about it.

RVD whips Crazy Christopher Daniels

One of the highlights of Impact Wrestling the last couple weeks has been the emergence of the delusional character Daniels is playing.  He already looks psycho, and the "I beat AJ Styles, I never said I quit" line, said with a straight face, is funny as hell. 

Daniels went from being vanilla to a mash-up of Chunky Monkey and Moose Tracks, and it is delicious.  If the new Daniels will be working with RVD, that will be loads of fun.

Eric Young and the guy from Jersey Shore confront Robbie E and Robbie T

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I will have to find a way to watch this segment to give it a fair assessment.  I don't watch Jersey Shore and have no plans to, so it isn't that big a deal that Ronnie is on the show.  Plus, since the TNA TV champ has hardly been on TV lately (why even have a TV Champion?), at least until last week, I need to give this "feud" more time to see if it grabs my attention. 

Jesse Sorenson beat Austin Aries????

That's so preposterous, it doesn't deserve any further comment.

Jeff Jarrett and Bully Ray vs. Mr. Anderson and Jeff Hardy

Something else on the program I am genuinely sorry I missed.  The match ended when Scott Steiner–yes, he's still alive–ran in, which is silly.  Bully and Jarrett should have gotten a cheap win. 

Bully, as the best heel in all of wrestling, should actually be in the World Championship running, but that's another article.

Garrett Bischoff accepts Daddy's offer

I guess Gunner needed something to do next week.

Matt Morgan calls out Crimson

Morgan, who just looks slow to me during his matches, and the man who Chris Jericho might have dubbed "Wacky Roll-Up Guy II" will face each other.  I have the new Beavis and Butthead on the DVR, and I'm pretty sure the opening music to B and B would be more enthralling than this match.

Bobby Roode uses the beer bottle to beat James Storm to win the World Heavyweight Championship

There's nothing wrong with Roode getting the title, but there is a ton wrong with him getting it this soon.  Does the World Championship mean that little now? 

Also, if you want a heel as World Champ, why not Bully Ray, who knows how to make the fans hate his guts better than anyone?  But it's done, and now that he's a heel, I hope Roode doesn't have to have his hand held to get through promos.  Watching him talk week after week leading up to the match with Angle was painful.

I want to like Bobby Roode because he, like my Mrs.,  is Canadian.  But even though he looks great, he doesn't have that extra something that makes you want to watch him.  Since Storm is now hurt and out for a while, time will tell whether Roode will be able to carry the ball.

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