For those bar and restaurant owners in Winnipeg who haven't yet heard, Evander Kane's "Manager" has a hell of a proposition he'd like you to consider.
For a fee (rumored to be in the region of $10,000), yours will be the official Evander Kane after-party locale! What does that mean, you ask? Well, after every Jets home game, Evander and friends, known in the twitterverse as #TeamEK9 (for real), will bring all their fame and fortune to you and your establishment.
Of course, they won't actually be paying for anything (that's on you) and they'll require their own section (note: fee does not cover mandatory velvet rope), but every hockey-mad fan in River City will know where to go to see the left-winger who, not even three years ago, notched nearly 100 points (in the WHL).
And that's not all! Throughout the season, Evander will promote your bar or restaurant to his 47,000-plus followers on Twitter for the low low cost of only $500 per tweet!
I know what you're thinking: It can't possibly get any better than that!
Well, it sure does.
You see, by taking #TeamEK9 up on this fabulous one-time (annual) offer, you're not just bringing in the guy who scored almost 20 goals for the Atlanta Thrashers last year. You're aligning yourself and your business with one of the hottest new brands this side of Brandon.
Yessir, you'll also become the official event venue for UKD Inc. (the 'K' stands for Kane). I couldn't possibly articulate this corporate behemoth's mission in a way that would fully serve their awesomeness, so I'm just going to give it the old copy/paste from the company's website:
UKD is a company that speaks innovation. By utilizing today’s new forms of marketing and social networking, the concept of UKD is based on our ability to bring people together for a bigger and better purpose. To date we have risen over $20,000 for non-profit organizations, and will continue to give back to the community. Our goal is to create social awareness through various means of communication.
Whether it be for non-profit organizations or profitable ventures, UKD’s extensive networking strategy provides us with opportunities that set us apart from our competition.
You see that? They literally invented a new language and called it Innovation. The principals of this organization could be on your premises 37 times over the next six months, creating social awareness and implementing their extensive networking strategy...the very strategy that sets them apart from their competition!
A quick glance through UKD's website tells you all you need to know about the this party-promoting titanic's potential. You'll soon notice that the official UKD launch party (on October 9th) was so wicked-amazing that it's still listed on the Upcoming Events page.
You're probably wondering: Are there any other upcoming events?
That, sir or madam, is where you come in!
And don't worry about discretion. UKD Founder and CEO Jeffrey Uppal (Kane's aforementioned "Manager") is so intent on protecting his clients he doesn't list a single non-profit organization that has benefited from UKD's philanthropic efforts (for their protection, naturally). Mr. Uppal's social networking acumen is also well-documented. Just last week, when Sportsnet's Daren Millard tweeted about possible trade rumors surrounding Evander, Uppal sent Daren a public message, via Twitter, informing the broadcaster to contact him directly for information on Kane's situation (that was his job, being Evander's "Manager" and all).
How smart is that? He kept the details private between him and Daren, but let everyone know he was keeping them that way. That's just what the folks at UKD like to call Communal Judiciousness (that's the English translation anyways—all the initiatives at UKD are conceived in Innovation).
This is the kind of inspiration you'll be exposed to for just a few measly thousand dollars. In fact, I'm willing to bet that pledging your support to #TeamEK9 grants you the exclusive privilege of following Mr. Uppal on Twitter yourself! You see, after the Millard exchange, the Founder and CEO had to protect his tweets from the public, so as not to overwhelm them with his genius.
Now you probably have one final concern: Why would the same guy who's trying to sell me Evander Kane's patronage through the season also be the guy spreading trade rumors about Evander on Twitter? Isn't that kind of, well, stupid?
Sure, the average person would think a contradiction like that was the product of some half-witted try-hard who thinks he can exploit the over-the-top passion of a city starved so long for NHL hockey and fleece a bunch of local businesses.
But you're not the average person, are you? No, you don't need to bother yourself with the trivial concerns of a bunch of haters. You're better than that noise. You're part of the UKD family now; a proud member of #TeamEK9.
Just get in touch with Jeffrey (contact info on the UKD website here) and close the deal.
I promise you, you'll be speaking Innovation in no time.
UPDATE: UKD Inc.'s website has now been taken down. (single tear)