Top 3 NBA Players at Each Position: Reckoning Edition

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Top 3 NBA Players at Each Position: Reckoning Edition

Well, I'm back with my latest rankings. And this time, it's all work and no fun.

Which makes Sang a dull boy.

All work and no fun makes Sang a dull boy.

All fun and no work makes Sang a homeless boy.

All homeless and no fun makes Sang a sad boy.

All sad and no home gives Sang time to write this article.

 

Point Guards

1. Chris Paul, New Orleans Hornets (No Move)

Stats: 20.3 ppg, 11.9 apg and 53.6 percent shooting.

This one time I said to an old wise man, "sir, is there such a thing as a living legend?"

He in turn asked me who the hell I was and told me no loitering at the Wal-Mart entrance.

What am I getting at? Absolutely nothing, but I bet many of you anticipated something relevant. That's how good Chris Paul is. He's so great he can't be confined to anecdotes.

 

2. Devin Harris, New Jersey Nets (Newbie)

Stats: 24.8 ppg, 6.2 apg and 49% shooting.

Harris is making great strives to cementing the Kidd trade for him may be the most disastrously ill advised transaction in point guard swapping history.

While Kidd is by no means bad, he's a shadow of his former self and going down hill. Fast.

Harris, to me, is like Steve Urkel. The guy nobody expected anything from, only to come out of nowhere and show he's got the basketball skills to die for.

Now if only Harris can create wacky devices that can shrink people or make clones. That'd be awesome.

Ah, Family Matters, how I miss you.

 

3. Chauncey Billups, Denver Nuggets (No Move)

Stats : 18.5 ppg, 6.9 apg and 43.1 percent shooting.

Ever since my last update, Billups went on to crush my beloved Toronto Raptors. For that I despise him and everything he stands for. I made a memo to never, ever, allow Billups onto this list solely on my personal hatred.

Then, my conscience got the better of me. 'Tis the season to forgive, after all.

Come on now, little Billups. Hop on the merry list!

You deserve it, you stupid *%&((^%&(^&$^*()&%&(#$#%@!)*~@............

 

The Departed : Jose Calderon, Toronto Raptors.

You're still me favourite point guard, Caldy. But since my last update, the Raptors had gone 1-4. I'm sorry, boy, but we're gonna have to put you down. C'mon boy, let's go have a run in the field. It'll be fun.

Don't give me that look. Everything's okay. Everything's going to be okay.

........

Please, please don't look at me that way. Please......

.....

...

.

*BANG*

I'm sorry.

 

Shooting Guards

1. Dwyane Wade, Miami Heat (Up 1)

Stats: 29.5 ppg, 7.5 apg, and 49.9 percent shooting.

FACT: Since my last update the Heat have been undefeated.

FACT: Wade averaged 34.8 ppg, 7 apg and 6 rpg during that run.

FACT: Wade is playing the best basketball of his career.

FACT: Wade is a Kryptonian.

FACT: That last fact was a lie.

 

2. Kobe Bryant, L.A. Lakers (Down 1)

Stats: 24.5 ppg, 4.3 apg and 45.8 percent shooting.

How'd you lose to Sacramento? No, seriously. How. Did. You. Lose. To. Sacramento. ?. I was about to give you that number one spot again, on the fact that the Lakers looked like they could never again be stopped. And then you run into the immovable wall that is the Sacramento Kings?

No. Just...no.

 

3. Jetstream Johnsonation (aka Joe Johnson), Atlanta Hawks (No Move)

Stats : 23.3 ppg, 5.2 apg and 46.4 percent shooting.

Another fact about what a jet stream does: If two air masses of different temperatures or densities meet, the resulting pressure difference caused by the density difference (which causes wind) is highest within the transition zone.

Just like Joe Johnson!

 

The Departed : None

FACT: Kaiser Soze is the greatest of all film villains, not Hannibal Lecter.

FACT: I am always correct.

FACT: That last fact was NOT a lie.

 

Small Forwards

1. LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers (No Move)

Stats : 26.8 ppg, 6.8 rpg and 48.9% shooting.

Do you know how good Lebron James is? I once saw a basketball score itself, saving James the inconvenience of bending over to pick it up.

When Lebron jumps for a dunk, the Earth rotates three seconds faster or slower, depending on which side of the court he's playing on, if only to hide the fact that a man can actually fly.

He once decided to play a pick up game and his defender evaporated.

 

2. Paul Pierce, Boston Celtics (No Move)

Stats: 18.4 ppg, 6 rpg and 39.8 percent shooting.

Is it just me or are the Celtics not getting nearly as much attention a 21-2 team should get? I remember not being able to turn the corner last year without someone talking about the Celts.

Have they become the Team That May Not Be Said? The Voldemort of professional sports?

Well, I won't kowtow to the trend. The Celtics are damned good. Maybe too damned good (I think we should test Rondo out. I have a suspicion he's jacking up on pure magick).

 

3. Carmelo Anthony, Denver Nuggets (Newbie)

Stats : 20.9 ppg, 8.2 rpg, and 42.1 percent shooting.

Did you all see him score 33 points in the third quarter against the Timberwolves? That's madness incarnate. I know Anthony's been having a tough season, but these past few games have shown that he's far from out.

On another note, ever since I started watching Dirty Sexy Money on ABC, everytime I hear Carmelo's name I think of Carmelita, the sexy transvestite doing the nasty with the elder Darling son.

 

The Departed : Danny Granger, Indiana Pacers

Now, Granger isn't playing that much worse (he hasn't), but the fact that Indiana's been 1-4 since my last update it's obvious Granger isn't doing much to help his team win anymore. I love the guy, but it's time to go.

C'mon, Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are ca-aw-aw-lling.

From glen to glen, and down the mountain siiiiiiiiide...

Oh, uh, ignore Calderon over there. He's just, um, taking a nap.

In cranberry juice.

Ha...ha..

 

Power Forwards

1. Tim Duncan, San Antonio Spurs (No Move)

Stats: 21.3 ppg, 10.6 rpg, 1.7 bpg and 52.7 percent shooting.

Duncan's made the Spurs are relevant again. How relevant? Katy Perry relevant (see? I keep up with celebutantes!).

On more interesting Spurs note, I can't believe Matt 'The Red Rocket' Bonner is beginning to get starting gigs! One of the funnier NBA players. Did anyone else see that Cribs segment featuring Matt's place? Man, he is sooooo white.

 

2. Chris Bosh, Toronto Raptors (Down 1)

Stats: 24.7 ppg, 10.1 rpg, 0.9 bpg and 52.1 percent shooting.

Chris "Panache" Bosh has not become Chris "Panicked" Bosh. The Raptors are slumping, have a brand new coaching system and are in relative turmoil. It's a testament that Bosh has continued to play so well during it all.

It's also lucky for him that no other power forwards really made any strides to up their game.

 

3. Kevin Garnett, Boston Celtics (Re-entry)

Stats : 16.2 ppg, 9.5 rpg, 1.4 bpg and 50.7% shooting.

Hey Kev.

Nice to have you back.

So, how was your time away?

Won 13 in a row?

Yeah, I knew about that. I thought I had relatively firm ground to omit you.

Yes, yes, I am stupid.

 

The Departed : Amare Stoudemire, Phoenix Suns

Waaah, waaah, I don't gets dem TV intahvuws. Waah, waah, I is not get recognishi-on. Waah,

Shut up Amare. I'm sorry if your $15 million salary this year isn't enough. Or that you're a perennial All Star and still feel jilted. Or that you have such a massive inferiority complex.

Now c'mon, let's go take a walk.

And before anyone mentions anything, I know Pau isn't on there. It was a tough debate between him and Garnett, but veterans get the benefit. Just like in real games.

 

Centres (Oh, Canada!)

1. Dwight Howard, Orlando Magic (No Move)

Stats : 21.2 ppg, 14.5 rpg, 4 bpg and 56.7 percent shooting.

Every time Howard jumps, the laws of physics shatter. I still can't understand how someone that big can jump that high and have that much body control and be human. I'm not crazy people. He IS artificial!

You know what? Forget it. I've already tried to warn the good folk of Orlando to back Biedrins, our own John Connor. Orlando can smolder after the inevitable H-bomb (see what I did there?) for all I care.

 

2. Andris Biedrins, Golden State Warriors (Up 1)

Stats : 15.2 ppg, 12.4 rpg, 1.6 bpg and 54.8% shooting.

I'm sorry Andris. I tried. I really did. People just don't understand how dangerous Dwight Howard is to the human race. No. It's not that they don't understand, it's that they don't want to.

But don't worry, I doubt cyborgs will want to invade Oakland when LA and San Fran are so much more important.

 

3. Yao Ming, Houston Rockets (Re-entry)

Stats : 19 ppg, 9.7 rpg, 1.6 bpg and 52.5% shooting.

I guess the mongol invasion's finally over, because the Great Wall's back up and holding down the fort. Ming's last four game's have been spectacular, and barring any injuries I don't see why this wouldn't continue.

Unless, of course, the Chinese government pulled another Olympic switcheroo and the person we see now is not the same Yao that started the season.

 

The Departed : Al Jefferson, Minnesota Timberwolves

The Wolves suck so much that it's sheer suckitude has pulled Jefferson's otherwise stellar performance down with it. We don't even need to take a walk in the field because I think Jefferson's already dead on the inside.

 

The Rookies

 

Marc Gasol, Memphis: I wonder if he'll ever become a rapper named Marc Marci.

 

Derrick Rose, Chicago: Did you know an anagram of Derrick Rose is Record Skier? And Skier rhymes with Year if you mispronounce it? And that Record Year's first two letters are RY? And that if you add an 'o' from nowhere it'd be RoY?

Which is Brandon Roy's last name!

 

Michael Beasley, Miami: Miami, where all you really needed was Wade happens.

 

OJ Mayo, Memphis: I'm going to stop making fun of his name now. Except that the 'O' stands for Ovintin. Which is made up because I can't find an origin anywhere. And it kind of looks Ovulation.

 

Rudy Fernandez, Portland: Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy.

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