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Jerry Jones Has Some Snake Oil For Sale

Joe OneillCorrespondent IIDecember 12, 2008

The phone rings:

Longtime Dallas Cowboy Season Ticket Holder: Hello

Jerry Jones (Owner of Dallas Cowboys): Hi, is this <>, longtime season ticket holder for my Dallas Cowboys?

Longtime Dallas Cowboy Season Ticket Holder: Yes it is. 

Jerry Jones: This is Jerry Jones, how ya'll doing today? I'll make it short, you've heard about the new stadium I'm building, right?

Longtime Dallas Cowboy Season Ticket Holder: Yeah, I heard it's costing around one billion dollars?

Jerry Jones: Actually, it's closer to $1.3 billion now. Anyway, this thing's going to be big ...Texas big! Biggest high definition television in existence. Retractable roof. Big 'ol arches out front. You're going to love it. 

Longtime Dallas Cowboy Season Ticket Holder: Sounds good, can't wait to see it. 

Jerry Jones: Great! Let's see, you have four season tickets at the 40-yard line. I'm going to need a check for $213,460.

Longtime Dallas Cowboy Season Ticket Holder: What? I only pay $129 per seat now. 

Jerry Jones: Yeah, but you'll need to pony up $50,000 per seat for a one-time seating license and then $329 per seat for 10 games (including pre-season, of course). 

Longtime Dallas Cowboy Season Ticket Holder: I thought the City of Arlington put up something like $325 million to help fund the stadium? Increased sales tax on hotel stays, rental cars, and even the city sales tax to pay for this thing?

Jerry Jones: Yep, but I'm ponying up the rest.

Longtime Dallas Cowboy Season Ticket Holder: But if I and every one of the 80,000 season ticket holders have to pay a one-time seat license, aren't WE paying for the construction of the stadium?

Jerry Jones: Well, kind of...see...this is big finance here and I don't want to confuse you with all these numbers.

Longtime Dallas Cowboy Season Ticket Holder: Now wait, if you sell 80,000 one-time seat licenses for an average cost of $25,000...that comes out to $2 billion dollars. Heck, you're going to make over a billion dollars on this deal. 

Jerry Jones: Now wait.. no... that can't be right.

Longtime Dallas Cowboy Season Ticket Holder: And that's not even including the naming rights which will undoubtedly be from some giant, generic corporation.

Jerry Jones: Um...

Longtime Dallas Cowboy Season Ticket Holder: And, if you haven't noticed Jerry...the Cowboys kind of suck. Tony Romo can't win a big game. Pacman was a debacle. TO is being his usual dysfunctional self. 

Jerry Jones: I see your point, but we got some good players. Felix Jones...remember that name.

Longtime Dallas Cowboy Season Ticket Holder: So let me get this straight. You want to invoice me over $200,000 to pay for a stadium that you will own outright, make a billion dollar profit on, and even sale the naming rights to some stupid corporation? All so I can watch a mediocre football team that hasn't won a Super Bowl since the early nineties?

Jerry Jones: See, you're just being negative. These are the COWBOYS. America's team. You get to say that you're a season ticket holder to the Dallas Cowboys.

EX Longtime Dallas Cowboy Season Ticket Holder: I don't need to impress anyone that bad. I'll tell you what. Keep your season tickets. I'm going to buy a nice big screen television and watch games in the comfort of my own home and take that $210,000 I'm saving and buy some real estate.

Jerry Jones: Real estate? Did you say real estate? I've got big 'ol bridge right outside of New York in this little place called Brooklyn...Tell you what...I'll give it to you for a song.. hello? hello?

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