I know it's been a while since I've written to you, and I'm sorry about forgetting to put out milk and cookies the last fifteen or so Christmases, but this year I really need your help. As you're probably aware due to all the New England Patriots schwag you've delivered to my house over the years, I'm quite a big fan of the team.
So, the reason I'm writing to you is that in lieu of any presents this year, I am only asking for the scenario I lay out below to unfold. I don't know how much pull you have with the NFL, but I'm guessing given your Vince Wilfork-esque physique you must've played some ball at some point, so you can understand my passion.
While my request comes at the expense of some other teams, I can assure you that none of their fans or players believe in you like I do—plus most of them celebrate Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and even Festivus instead of Christmas!
So here's what I need to happen:
First, make the New York Jets lose to the Miami Dolphins in the regular season finale. I know it's somewhat cold-hearted to have Chad Pennington rip the hearts of Jets fans out at the last possible moment on their home turf, but hey, they should've known what they were getting into when they signed Brett Favre. Given how close Green Bay is to the North Pole, I'm sure you're well aware of this as well.
Plus, I don't think we need to get into what Eric Mangini did to Blitzen last Christmas while you were down in his house dishing out presents to the kid he named after Bill Belichick. You know you still owe him some retribution for that one. From what I've heard, Blitzen hasn't flown the same way since.
Second, make the Miami Dolphins lose to either San Francisco this weekend or at Kansas City next weekend. Look Santa, we both know the Dolphins really aren't that good. I don't think it's going to take much magic to make a loss happen in one of these games.
I'm also pretty sure, given how unfriendly the Miami climate is to your sleigh, that you don't have much love for the Dolphins anyways. I also have to assume that Joey Porter is on the naughty list, so it's kind of a two-Dolphins-with-one-harpoon kind of a move.
Finally, I need the Patriots to go 3-0 in their last three games. I know a Patriots fan should not be asking for any kind of undefeated stretch, but since it's against the Raiders, Cardinals, and Bills, I don't think it's too tall an order. Look at all the horrible injuries we've had this year, I think someone owes us at least a playoff game for all the pain our team has suffered.
If this scenario unfolds, there's a very good chance the Patriots would be hosting the Baltimore Ravens in the first round of the playoffs (I like our chances at home versus a rookie QB), with a potential rematch with the Steelers in Pittsburgh looming in the second round (we all know the Patriots are the last team the Steelers want to see).
I'm sure as a football fan you'd much rather see these matchups than the Dolphins or Jets getting bounced in the first round, right?
Well, that's it Santa. I'm guessing it's a whole lot easier to make my request happen than overloading your sleigh with all that Patriots stuff I asked for this year. You can disregard my requests for the Patriots Model Train Set, the Patriots Bean Bag Tailgate Toss, and the Wes Welker onesie for my new son (he won't even fit into until next season anyways).
If there's any way you could maybe still just throw a copy of NFL Films' History of the New England Patriots DVD in my stocking I'd really appreciate it, but again, all I really want for Christmas is the Patriots in the playoffs.
Mike Dussault is a Patriots Community Leader at Bleacher Report, and also a contributor at BostonSportz.com. His Patriots blog can be viewed here, and he can be contacted at PatriotsPropaganda@gmail.com.
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