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NFL Week 14: Letters to the League

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NFL Week 14: Letters to the League

To: Mike Tomlin

Re: Hip hop superstar

Mike, you look like Jay-Z's sidekick on the sidelines. Like any moment you're going to start spitting verses from Black Star. Sporting the bubble jacket, swinging the headset, doing the crazy I'm-creeping-up-to-you-to-high-five-you walk after one of your players makes a play. I've seen you with those shades too.

You are easily the coolest coach in the NFL.

 

To: Wade Phillips

Re: Softie

I don't know that your strategy worked.

Giving five of your veterans an extra day off last Wednesday, after you'd given the whole team four of the previous five days, may not have been the best plan.

Sure, in theory, giving guys rest, definitely at this time of the year, is a good idea. But two of those players were offensive linemen, and they certainly looked like they could have used the extra work on Sunday. Giving up three sacks clearly didn't bode well for Tony Romo.

Perhaps with the season on the line, your team would have wanted the extra practice. The idea that you reap what you sow and all. There were moments in that game when the entire offense looked out of sync, and obviously Romo and Witten could have used a few more reps to get on the same page.

Listen, I know they call you a player's coach—but this is starting to go a little far. For those that did practice, you took them indoors, because of the wind, with a deejay to play music to simulate crowd noise. There were reports that the music wasn't so loud and players were seen swaying and dancing. At practice.

Oh yeah, Pacman was wearing Homer Simpson pajamas. I'm serious, Wade—how did you miss that?

The potential loss of Barber could spell d-i-s-a-s-t-e-r for you guys.

You've become one of the softest coaches in the NFL. It's amazing your defense played as tough as they did for you on Sunday.

 

To: Brad Childress

Re: You may get to keep your job!

I noticed where owner Zygi Wilf gave you the game ball Sunday. If that's not an endorsement, I don't know what is.

 

To: Brian Westbrook

Re: I told you so...

What did it take to convince Reid to use you as you were created to be used?

'Bout time, right? My boy Bryn Swartz has been screaming about it for weeks now. Get the ball in your hands on a regular basis and look what happens.

Great job on becoming the team's all-time leader in yards from scrimmage. It's amazing you've managed to overcome Reid's commitment to not run the ball to accomplish such a thing.

Here's an idea for you. Chad Johnson changed his name, right? Do you recall in the XFL, Rod Smart's jersey name? "He Hate Me." Yes, I know, it made little sense from a logic or grammatical perspective, but still kind of funny. I suggest you change your name to "Brian I Told You So."

That way, each time you run by Reid he can be reminded of what he needs to do.

 

To: David Garrard

Re: 60 million reasons to be relieved, no matter what

Man, are you the benefactor of perfect timing or what?

You signed that deal juuuuuuuust in time.

 

To: Domenik Hixon

Re: Tough catch

Every once in a while I'll see a play that makes me say, in my best Homer Simpson voice, "D'oh."

It's not always just the play. Often it's the situation, the player, the events leading up to the play—everything about it. It's like the perfect storm of failure.

That's what happened to you on Sunday when you dropped that pass in the second quarter.

Eli made that pass in that wind, no less.

To: Roger Goodell

Re: Fair and balanced?

Okay, I'm not happy about this, but I feel I have to call you on this double standard.

Are you ever going to hold Matt Jones accountable?

He just met with the league on Thursday to appeal his suspension, a suspension that was handed down in late October. Even if he'd not appealed, that drug bust occurred way back in July.

I know you've been busy with a few of the foolish things other players have done since Jones was arrested, but you've taken care of their business already. What gives?

 

To: Brett Favre

Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re;Re: Eh

From No. 1 to basically tied with a bullet, huh?

The nice West Coast conditions haven't been so kind to you this season. 0-3 on the Left Coast.

At least you helped Mike Singletary out. You should expect a thank you card soon for that little bit of job security you just gave him.

 

To: Roddy White

Re: League leading

Let me just say this to you: As a Falcons fan, who tries—at times—to be impartial (who am I kidding, right?), you are the flat-out MAN.

High school state wrestling champ (two times, by the way!) and overcoming one of the worst cases of the drops I've ever seen, and now you're emerging as arguably the best receiver in the game.

I love you, man. I love you.

 

To: The Detroit Lions

Re: What's left to say?

I've tried to think of how many ways I can describe you guys.

0-fer. The Defeated Team. The Losingest Team In History. All-time Worst. Record-Setting Losers. The Sore Losers. The Detroit Losers. The Biggest Losers...I could go on.

Left tackle Jeff Backus summed it up so well: "Not until we win that first game will I feel good about anything." And it's the holiday season, Jeff!

 

To: Antonio Pierce

Re: Bad draw

You had a tough week. You spent all week covering for Plax and then Sunday covering Westbrook. Neither worked out so well.

 

To: NFL fans

Re: If you don't feel real, don't get behind the voting wheel

Tuesday is the last day for Pro Bowl voting. Please vote responsibly. .

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