Sunday’s blockbuster revelation that Oscar De La Hoya intentionally lost his “Dream Match” showdown to the Philippines Manny Pacquiao to protect his most prized asset, his beautiful face, has been forcefully denied.
However, our sources inside De La Hoya’s inner circle have confirmed that the reason “The Golden Boy” took a horrific beating to his body was because he was protecting his face. Those that watched the fight may remember that late in the seventh round De La Hoya nearly got hit above his perfectly waxed right eyebrow…and apparently that was enough as he chose to remain on his hand polished Brazilian cherry wood stool (with teak accents) to end the bout.
Famed boxing historian Sal LaPugilista could not recall a fighter ever convicted of, let alone be accused of losing a fight just because he was too beautiful. LaPugilista said “Sheeze, boxers ain’t not supposed to be beautiful…certainly not the broads…but if it’s true it’ll be a foist.”
De La Hoya's denial of taking a beauty rest was met with skepticism as boxing afficionados noted De La Hoya's unusual training regimen, which included:
- Swimming one mile daily in a pool filled with Perrier and lime slices
- Walking his miniature labradoodle two miles pre-dawn to avoid the suns harmful UV rays
- Restricting his manicures and pedicures to every other day of during fight week
- Avoiding shopping for clothes and accessories for 24 hours before a bout
He was taken to a local hospital for observation after the fight, where his team of plastic surgeons patched things up and pronounced him fit for his next Maybelline commercial shoot.
“De La Hoya has often taken criticism for being too pretty,” says his trainer Fritz "Lefty" LaDoosh. “They say a man who’s that gorgeous, a man with marvelous milk-chocolate hair can't not never fight like that, but he do's. He’s a real trend setter, every fighter in 10 or 15 years will have a botox man in his corner.”
While De La Hoya is left picking up the pieces, Manny Pacquiao's future is very, very bright. With "talkie" movie theaters making inroads in his native land, it's expected that he'll be offered a movie deal, lucrative product endorsements and a book deal. And with the Pac Man's growing international appeal, he could soon become the Philippines second most popular export after mail order brides.
While this mess is being sorted out, Filipino Officials are concerned about the demands expected to be placed on the country's telegraph system as fans excitedly wire friends and family. Drawings of the fight will reach expectant islanders when the next merchant ship is scheduled to dock in two weeks.
It's been rumored that De La Hoya is assembling a team of financial advisors to begin preliminary steps to declare him a bank, making him eligible for federal bail out money.