Plaxico Burress Shoots Self; Self Presses Charges for Attempted Murder

Phil ThompsonContributor IDecember 3, 2008

In a shocking move, Giants’ Pro Bowl wide receiver Plaxico Burress announced at a press conference Thursday that he will be pressing charges against himself for attempted murder.

“It’s just like my Lord and savoir Jesus said,” Plaxico was quoted as saying, evidently meaning to say the word ‘savior’ as opposed to the French verb.  “ go to the cluuub sportin a gat in yo sweatpants and...uh...said gat happens to slip down and accidentally fire, narrowly missin Mr. Funky Stuff, you gotta lock up who’s responsible.”

A reporter from The New York Times asked Mr. Burress where this quotation might be found in the Holy Bible.  Without pausing or noticeably flinching behind his diamond-studded sunglasses, the football superstar declared, “New Age Testament.  Mufasa...passage six.”  

Upon further investigation, it appears there is no book of Mufasa.  The only explanation is that Mr. Burress was referring to the beloved Disney character in The Lion King who is trampled by wildebeests in a daring coup d’etat instigated by his brother, Mr. Funky Stuff.  Moreover, New Age is the serenely abominable music style most commonly heard emanating from electronic pianos when the user presses the wrong button.

The legal implications of this move are complex and subject to intense scrutiny, claims law professor Maurice Q. Testicleface of the Beefcake Basement Barrio law school in upper Manhattan.  Not unprecedented, however. 

In 1995, O.J. Simpson’s enormous cranium sued the rest of his body for “not sufficiently hightailing it to Mexico when you had the chance, you dumb bastard.”  The charges were immediately dropped by the joint attorney of Mr. Simpsons’ head and body in a conciliatory gesture.  

This, of course, was 13 years before America finally got that son of a bitch, O.J.  “WE FINALLY GOT EM!” shirts are presently among the most popular wear for White males.

This has occurred in the film industry as well, with Top Gun character Goose famously claiming damages against his terrible, terrible, just awful-looking, body that forced him to wear a white undershirt in the critically shamed volleyball scene.  

After presenting the legal considerations for this case, Mr. Testicleface excused himself to the bathroom, where he delicately shaved so that when he gets under his bed sheets tonight his face will feel all tingly, silky and smooth.  Mrs. Testicleface also insists that her husband shave on a regular basis because, she claims, his face can become a stinky, tangled mess that is a sexual turn-off.    

Towards the end of the press conference, reporters pressed Mr. Burress on the reasons for filing charges against himself as opposed to, say, taking responsibility for the most moronic, stupefying and profoundly brainless chain of events since Carrot Top’s movie career, you unbelievable asshole. 

The professional football player took off his glasses, slowly wiped his eyes, and replied, “Mr. Funky Stuff has just informed me that he needs to...uh...expectorate in front of a urinal.  If you have any questions, please direct the direction of my attorney, Mr. Testicleface.”