Recap of last week's "vote of no confidence" in COH. I still don't understand how the show is more "wild" than it was at any point in the past. Why, a couple referees got beat up? Hell, if this was the NWA there would have been blood all over the first three rows of fans during certain brawls.
We open the show with no announcers and an empty backstage arena until HHH steps out to greet us all. Good to see that the guy who cues up the theme music is crossing the picket line. We wouldn't want to be denied Motorhead.
Hunter talks about the "solidarity rally" before making fun of everyone for saying Raw is too hard for them. HHH promises to wrestle a broomstick (WOOOOO!) for two hours if he has to but will not resign because he's THE GAME.
Hey wait, there's a spotlight in that ring so guess who's not far from it? That's right; it's our friend John Cena. He rattles off a list of all the people who have been in charge of Raw before promising never to leave because he's the franchise and blah blah blah.
But wait, Sheamus is also out to pledge his support for HHH because Hunter gave him the biggest ass kicking of his life a few years ago.
Hey, CM Punk, come on down! Punk enjoys the chaotic atmosphere and gives us the "it ain't ballet" line and calls the protesters "hippies." However, he has one question: What do we do without any wrestlers?
HHH has some answers: He books Sheamus against John Cena with Hunter as the referee and CM Punk as the only commentator (Punk insists on wearing a blazer though). This could easily be my favorite Raw match ever.
Sheamus vs. John Cena
Cena and Sheamus start slowly and we quickly head to break to let them call their match. We return with Sheamus hitting a suplex for two and...NO CHANCE, that's what you got.
Vince McMahon returns to television and kicks Sheamus and Cena out of the ring. McMahon says he met with the Board of Directors recently and they are worried about the financial state of the company. You mean they actually sat down and thought about what a TERRIBLE idea the WWE Network is?
Oh no, they're only worried WrestleMania could be canceled because of this walkout. Vince fires HHH from Raw and announces the search for a new general manager (again?) but until then we get an interim boss on Monday night's...John Laurinaitis.
Are you kidding me?
Just another heel authority figure for John Cena to "rebel" against and make unfair matches against all the babyfaces. Haven't we seen this for, oh I don't know, the past 13 YEARS?!!?
Get a new idea guys...seriously.
After a break, Johnny Ace welcomes all the wrestlers back to work but John Morrison stops to tell him how much he sucks. There's a good way to make friends, Jobber Morrison. He books Morrison against Christian as punishment.
Meanwhile, Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole return to commentary because God forbid we let Punk call a show by himself and actual get entertaining dialogue during the matches. Yeah, we want more of Michael Cole's tired heel act....Cole = ratings.
John Morrison vs. Christian
Cody Rhodes, Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger all accompany Captain Charisma to ringside. Morrison goes to work early, hammering away and dumping Christian to the apron. He catches Christian going up top with a backdrop but misses Starship Pain. A heel distraction from Ziggler allows Christian to hit a quick spear and gets the quick three count.
Wow, someone really really REALLY hates John Morrison. All the heels hit their finishers on Job Morrison to kill him dead and then pose over him. Christian didn't even break a sweat defeating "superstar" Morrison 1/4*.
I thought everyone was expecting there not to be a show tonight (kayfabe), how did it have that advance lineup of matches ready to be announced?
Backstage, HHH threatens to knock Johnny Ace's teeth out...well, that sounds like rude office behavior.
Meanwhile in the ring, Mark Henry don't fear no man (got to watch those double negatives, Mizark). We recap the Big Show's attack on Smackdown...do we really have to sit through that match? Big Show and Henry couldn't break *** if you promised them 19 boxes of Honey Buns.
Randy Orton vs. Mark Henry
We return from break with Randy Orton busting out the GARVIN STOMP! then misses a knee drop. Henry places Orton on the top rope then slugs him to the floor. Mizark drags Randy back inside and hits a powerslam for two but misses a legdrop that launches Orton's babyface comeback.
Randy hits his draping DDT and looks for the RKO but Cody Rhodes runs into the ring and takes a clothesline. Orton still manages to hit Henry with the RKO for the apparent win by Rhodes returns and breaks up the cover for the DQ.
Winner by DQ: Randy Orton
Why even give Orton the visual pinfall on Henry? He's a monster and only got over because you booked him to be unstoppable. Anyways, match was short and pretty basic *1/2. Henry hits Orton with the World's Fattest Slam while Randy is occupied with Rhodes. Cody takes advantage and hits Cross Rhodes before putting a bag over Orton's head....OHHHH, it's ON now!
Kelly Kelly and Eve vs. Rosa & Tamina
Oh joy, a squash women's match involving Kelly Kelly. Kelly screams like an idiot and then Rosa screws up her end of a handspring elbow and almost gets her nose broken. Tamina tags in but gets pounded down until she goes to the gut. That doesn't last long as Tamina misses a splash and Eve comes in with a clothesline and sent on for two. A pier-6 brawl erupts and Kelly gets rid of Rosa, allowing Rosa to hit a flash kick and moonsault for the win.
Winner: Kelly Kelly and Eve
Kelly is so useless in the ring it's not even funny. Eve is marginally better but let's be honest here, no one gives a rat's ass about women's wrestling *1/2.
Johnny Ace hits the ring to book Alberto Del Rio vs. John Cena at Vengeance. Didn't see that one coming.
OF COURSE, since we're in Oklahoma City, Jim Ross has to be embarrassed. Johnny Ace makes fun of Ross for being a redneck and then fires him. Why does a multinational corporation insist on doing petty crap like this? I just don't understand their thinking sometimes.
Mason Ryan and Air Boom vs. Jack Swagger, David Otunga and Dolph Ziggler
How long before they turn Mason Ryan heel again after this face run flops? I set the over-under at two and a half months.
Dolph gets trapped in the face corner and hit with double dropkicks for two. Ziggler takes a powder but Ryan is there to meet him and chucks him back in the ring so Kofi can clothesline him out. Bourne flies off the top rope on Ziggler and the teams have a face-off above Dolph's body as we head to commercial.
We unfortunately return with Jack Swagger in the ring but Mason Ryan checks in and totally screws up hanging Swagger in the Tree of Woe. Maybe you need more "protein shakes" there, Mason. Kofi quickly tags in but gets crotches heading to the top rope and David Otunga adds a suplex for two.
Dolph comes in for some punishment and hits a dropkick for two as Kofi plays the Ricky Morton role in this bout. Swagger tries to continue the beating but falls victim to a flapjack and Kofi gets the hot tag to Mason Ryan who, to no one's surprise, cleans house on Dolph and gets two, triggering a brawl.
Swagger smokes Bourne with a powerbomb but Ryan gets rid of him and hits Ziggler with the House of Pain for the win.
Winners: Mason Ryan and Air Boom
Obviously, this match was to put over Mason Ryan but there was good work here **3/4.
Wow, I would have made another blog entry if ANYTHING happened in the past 15 minutes. WWE did one of their classic "we need to waste 10 minutes" segments and promoted a brutal looking John Cena buddy comedy/action movie that will appeal to absolutely no one.
Alberto Del Rio vs. CM Punk
Del Rio stalls so Punk kicks the hell out of him and stomps away in the corner. Alberto calls a timeout and stalls some more on the outside but returns and hits a dropkick to the back of Punk's head for two. Del Rio grabs a headlock but Punk back drops his way out of it and hits Del Rio with a neckbreaker for a near fall.
Punk hooks a headscissors for a bit but misses his running knee in the corner and tumbles to the outside. Just then, Johnny Ace appears and stops the match, changing to Punk and Del Rio vs. The Miz and R-Truth. Wow, that firing angle lasted all of a few weeks. We go to a commercial break so that Awesome Truth can finish their rapping gimmick.
CM Punk and Alberto Del Rio vs. Awesome Truth
Del Rio stomps away on R-Truth and hits Miz with a enzuigiri but that distraction is enough for Truth to recover and pound Alberto down. Miz checks in and throws some knees but gets caught with his head down and Del Rio hits a dropkick for two.
CM Punk tags in and kicks away then hits a Russian leg sweep for two. Miz gets a lucky knee and tags in Truth but he fares no better as Punk hammers him. Del Rio and Punk double team Truth for two but Truth trips up Alberto and brings in the Miz to take control. Del Rio counters Miz but injures his knee so Alberto aggressively tags Punk and then heads to the showers with his world title belt.
Punk decides to go it alone but Truth quickly runs interference and Miz hits a DDT for two. The heels trap Punk in their corner and go to work with the double teams, stomping away in the corner and choking behind the referee's back.
Punk fights his way out and bulldogs Miz at the same time he clotheslines Truth off the corner in a neat spot. The MACHO MAN ELBOW! from the top hurts Miz and sets up a GTS attempt but Truth breaks it up and the heels hammer away until the referee calls for the bell for the cheap ending.
Winner by DQ: CM Punk
Triple H makes the save and beats the hell out of the Miz. This obviously turns the ride for the babyfaces as Truth heads for the hills through the crowd and the faces stand tall. Call the whole thing *** with a deduction for the cheap ending.
Honestly, this had the potential to be a very interesting show with Triple H bringing in some guys who never get TV time to "cross the picket line" and get some exposure. Of course, they didn't do that at all and simply replaced Triple H with the same old boring-ass heel authority figure for the 40-something Hunter to rebel against like it's 1998 again.
The whole "defiant hero fights against the corporate heel boss" is DONE. Over. Accept it and move on. They keep trying it with different people and the results are still the same: The ratings don't move, the storylines get stale and John Cena always wins in the end.
How about this: Why should we care who is in charge of the show? They shouldn't drive the show. Do you know what should? Wins, losses, and title belts. Every match should matter and this whole "rematch clause" crap has to go. Crowds get behind winners, not people who defy some authority figure in a suit.
Until they change their thinking on this, this promotion is doomed to mediocrity.
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