Plaxico Burress: Real-Life Cheddar Bob?

Samuel Bell JrSenior Analyst IDecember 1, 2008

Somebody needs to alert New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg that something may be in the water in the Big Apple.

Guys are going completely crazy, and there's no good reason for it. Stephon Marbury quit on the Knicks, the Knicks quit on him without really quitting, I guess, and then there's 'ol gun-toting Plaxico Burress from the Wild, uh, East?

I remember when I saw rapper Eminem's highly acclaimed movie 8 Mile for the first time. Riveting motion picture that solidified Em as a stud and showcased his acting talents, and a broke down Kim Basinger.

When Eminem's good friend, outcast, and wannabe Cheddar Bob shot himself in the upper leg while fighting with the hated "Leaders of the Free World," it was too funny.

I thought to myself, "Somebody couldn't really be this dumb, can they?"

Well, just maybe.

Last week the New York Giants star wide-out Burress reportedly shot himself in the leg while at a nightclub in New York City.

He wasn't seriously injured, but went to a nearby hospital and tried to give the fake name "Harris Smith."

That's the best name you could come up with, Plaxico?

Why not a cool name like Bob Stoops or Urban Meyer? At least say you're somebody famous since everyone knows who you are anyway. I bet the hospital employees were running around the ED laughing at this dumb guy.

Nurse: "Guess who's in the ED with a gunshot wound?!"

Doctor: "Who? Not another rapper, is it?"

Nurse: "No, it's Plaxico Burress from the Super Bowl Giants team! He looks just as good in person!"

Doctor: "Are you kidding?! Somebody shot him? What's his story? Is it bad?"

Nurse: "Apparently he shot himself. I guess athletes are dumb as advertised. I'm glad I switched my son to a male cheerleader."


Doctor: "Rats! There goes my fantasy team in smoke. Oh, and don't tell anyone what your son does, please. Who's Harris Smith? I don't see Plaxico's chart."

(More Laughter)

Nurse: "That's the name Plaxico gave us. Just roll with the punches. His alcohol will wear off, just hook 'em to a IV with water. He'll come to."

If this story wasn't bizarre enough, Giants LB Antonio Pierce reportedly attempted to hide the gun that Burress was shot with. Why would he do that? The police will get to the bottom of the story and you've implicated yourself in a crime.

To make matters even worse, Burress was laughing about the incident with teammates two days later.

He didn't appear to be laughing when he emerged from that Escalade this morning. He did have a perfect walk, which makes me wonder how the heck he got shot just two days ago.

Unless he was merely grazed by the bullet, I can't fathom how the guy would be walking with no limp, as he was also hampered by a hamstring injury.

Burress also told the hospital that he'd been shot at an Applebee's restaurant. This guy is just not the greenest broccoli floret is he?

Why would you throw in a public place as the crime scene? Now the police will go to the restaurant for evidence and to interview employees. They'll all be staring at you in complete disbelief thinking that they missed a gunfight. Must've been busy that night.

At least say you were at someone's house or in a car so there's no reference point for the police to check. Applebee's? Where did that even come from? Is Harris Smith someone Burress was bullied by in 4th grade?

What kind of guys is Michigan State producing these days?

Burress, bust WR Charles Rogers, bust NBA PG Mateen Cleaves. I have to wonder did Burress even attend any classes. What's wrong with this dude?

Okay look, I don't know Burress and can only speculate about insight into who he is and what he's doing with his life and career.

What I do know is that the way the man carries himself is like he's above everything. All of the fines, team penalties and appearances in the media of something negative. That fuels the perception to the people that Burress is just another athlete who doesn't get it.

Why walk around with a gun on your waist? It just doesn't make sense. As a highly paid athlete, there's no reason to not have someone with you that possesses a legal firearm.

Jeopardizing your career and life to go out to the club with a loaded weapon is just insane. At some point there has to be some kind of accountability for your actions and the place you hold in society.

Does this incident make Burress a bad person?

Not by any means. What it does is expose a silver lining that he is human and needs to get his act together. Athletes aren't super-humans; life happens to them too. The difference is, we all care about it.

Burress needs to wake from his traumatizing dream. He is just a human being, and isn't over anything but his own choices and decisions. With that said, he needs to make better ones.

Leave the loaded gun at home, or at least in the car. And for the club allowing him to enter with a firearm, thanks for adding to his failed belief of invincibility.

Now they have to face the police and the possibility of being fined, or even shut down. If nobody steps up and attempts to bring this guy into reality, karma and true life will.

Pierce and Ahmad Bradshaw are just two people who had a chance to stop Burress before he crashed head-on into his fate. Now he will become the next pariah to follow in the footsteps of guys like Michael Vick and Adam Jones.

And for what?

The false protection of a loaded firearm?

Now who's there to protect Burress from himself?




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