"Man. Sang, what is up with you?" asks my subconscious, which is weird because I always thought the subconscious wasn't supposed to make conscious statements.
But still it continues, "You promised a weekly column and here you are, two weeks later. Your mama taught you better than this."
Hey now, subconscious, you can belittle my lateness all you want, but you leave our mama outta this.
Semi-psychotic self-dialogue aside, I really should get going with this week's rankings.
1. Chris Paul, New Orleans Hornets (No Move)
Stats: 20.3 ppg, 11.6 apg and 52.2 percent shooting.
Chris Paul is getting too damn good for the half-assed nickname "CP3." That's just a blatant copying of Chris Bosh's equally dreadful "CB4." These aren't nicknames, people, they're initials. I propose Chris Paul henceforth to be called Pope Paul the Third.
2. Tony Parker, San Antonio Spurs (No Move)
Stats: 23.9 ppg, 6.1 apg and 55 percent shooting.
Was there a drop off in production since last time? Slightly. Was he also injured? Slightly. Was he still Napoleon reincarnate, the little general leading a battle-weathered army as they slash and burned across the countryside? Most definitely.
*Note* I know the guys been injured, but he also impressed me the last two games prior to writing this. Was I blind with awe? No. Okay, yes.
3. Jose Calderon, Toronto Raptors (No Move)
Stats : 13.1 ppg, 9.6 apg and 44.5 percent shooting.
You're a lucky man, Mr. Cal-dah-ron. I threw down the gauntlet last time for another point guard to step up, but none of them were apparently reading my article (the bastards). Mr. Cal-dah-ron certainly has some mighty impressive stats, but he's falling flat where it matters most—winning. The Raptors are far from meeting expectations.
The Departed : Nobody.
If anyone reading this knows Jason Kidd, could you ask him to ask Mark about some, um, 'tips' on the stock market? And Devin Harris or Chauncey Billups? I'm gonna hook you guys up with a spot if you can prove you can sustain those insane numbers by the next time I write an article.
1. Kobe Bryant, L.A. Lakers (Up 1)
Stats: 24.4 ppg, 4.2 apg and 46.9 percent shooting.
No, he isn't putting up Wade's numbers. I can see that (it's like two inches below). But what makes Kobe the best SG, if not player, in the league right now is that he's putting up nearly as good numbers while only playing 33 minutes a game.
He's putting up nearly as good numbers while seemingly not trying! He's putting up nearly as good numbers as his team has steamrolled into the best record in the league.
2. Dwyane Wade, Miami Heat (Down 1)
Stats: 28.2 ppg, 7.6 apg and 49.7 percent shooting.
Why does he always look so sad? I've watched two Heat games (including the spooning incurred on behalf of the Blazers) since my last report and in neither games did I see Wade smile. It's like the Heat organization has sucked happiness and joy from his very being.
Am I wrong, Heat fans? Did he just have a severe facial injury in the off-season only Miami fans know about, making it impossible for him to show any other emotion then disappointment and broken dreams?
3. Jetstream Johnsonation (aka Joe Johnson), Atlanta Hawks (No Move)
Stats : 22.7 ppg, 5.4 apg and 43.7 percent shooting.
Now that I learned what a jet stream actually does, I'm even more proud of myself for arbitrarily labelling him with the first cool word that started with a J that came to my mind. He is indeed as good a fast flowing, narrow airway found at the tropopause than any player in the league!
The Departed : Nobody.
I see you eyeing that third-place spot, Vince Carter. I...I don't know if I've forgiven you enough to let you on, but we can catch a meal. Watch Bolt in Disney Digital 3D (which is mind-boggling). Talk things over. I'm always open to working something out.
1. LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers (Up 1)
Stats : 27.8 ppg, 7.2 rpg, 6.4 apg and .491% shooting.
What happens when one of the best players in the league has no noticeable drop in output and has led his team to an outstanding winning streak? Nothing. He stays number one. A king on his throne.
Which kind of irks me. Okay, "King James" seems simple enough. But which King James are people associating him with? James III of Scotland, who many consider a doofus? James II of England, who trumpeted absolute monarchy and Catholic rule? There are so many, and many so bad. I wished the nickname people were more specific.
2. Paul Pierce, Boston Celtics (No Move)
Stats: 18.4 ppg, 6.6 apg and 40.3 percent shooting.
My better judgment still says to get rid of Paul. I admit this is due to my irrational hatred of the Celtics that caused me to rationalize that his slightly inferior numbers merited him being omitted.
Well, the Celtics are too damn good, and Pierce is the best of them. Forgive me while I cry in the corner after compromising my lopsidedly biased judgement.
3. Danny Granger, Indiana Pacers (Down 2)
Stats : 24.2 ppg, 5.5 rpg, 2.4 apg and 46.7 percent shooting.
I really have nothing to say about Danny. I really haven't followed him closely enough. All I do know is that he's stormed the league and is no doubt one of the top-12 players playing.
The Departed : None
Extending the King James talk, I think maybe James I the Conquerer, King of Aragon (1213-1276). The guy expanded the crown of Aragon into Valencia and Languedoc. Dude sounds like the perfect analogue for Lebron.
1. Tim Duncan, San Antonio Spurs (Up 1)
Stats: 20.8 ppg, 10.0 rpg, 1.2 bpg and 51.9 percent shooting.
The Spurs sucked, SUCKED, at the season's outside. Was it Pop's beard? Perhaps. But whatever the case may be, they're back.
The Spurs are playing like they should, and Duncan and Parker are leading the way. No, he isn't the most dominant PF in the league, he's just the best if that makes a lick of sense.
2. Chris Bosh, Toronto Raptors (Down 1)
Stats: 26.8 ppg, 10.2 rpg, 1.0 bpg and 53.9 percent shooting.
Bosh, Bosh, Bosh. You keep playing so well and yet the Raptors keep failing you time and time again. Which, by the way, is partly your fault. Too many jump shots, too little drives to the basket.
On the nickname note I made with Pope Paul the Third, did you never once question the absurdly simple nickname you've been labelled with? "CB4"? Really? You are now Chris "Panache" Bosh.
3. Amare Stoudemire, Phoenix Suns (No Move)
Stats : 21.9 ppg, 8.1 rpg, 1.3 bpg and .570% shooting.
Have you ever seen that YouTube video where the baby laughs every time the guy behind the camera says "gong!"? Every time Amare dunks the ball I have the exact same reaction, followed by loathing of my own inadequacies.
The Departed : None
Gong! Heh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-heeeeeh-huh-ha-ha-ha! *Breathing*
Centres (Again, I'm Canadian)
1. Dwight Howard, Orlando Magic (No Move)
Stats : 21.8 ppg, 13.9 rpg, 3.9 bpg and 58.9 percent shooting.
Every time there's a close up of Dwight on the telecast I half seriously think he'll look into the camera and say, "Come with me if you want to live." That, or, "The human race is over." Whoa! What was that? Oh, it was just the dump truck driving by. I thought it might have been him.
2. Al Jefferson, Minnesota Timberwolves (Up 1)
Stats : 22.3 ppg, 10.3 rpg, 1.5 bpg and 50.5 percent shooting
Whoo, the Wolves won three games since my last write up, which means Jefferson's movin' on up, to the east side. To a deluxe apartment in the sky. Movin' on up, to the east side. He's finally got a piece of the pie.
3. Andris Biedrins, Golden State Warriors (Down 1)
Stats : 15.6 ppg, 12.2 rpg, 1.5 bpg and .538% shooting.
I implore all Magic fans to rise up from under Mechanical Overlord Howard's thumb and rally behind Biedrins, and red blooded, meat contruscted, human being. Once humans liberate the world from Dwight, Orlando fans might, just might, be labelled traitors to the human race if they don't come over. Just a friendly warning.
The Departed : None
Fish don't fry in the kitchen;
Beans don't burn on the grill.
Took a whole lotta tryin',
Just to get up that hill.
Now we're up in the big leagues,
Gettin' our turn at bat.
As long as we live, it's you and me baby,
There ain't nothin wrong with that.
Well we're movin on up,
To the east side.
To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
Movin on up,
To the east side.
We finally got a piece of the pie
Marc Gasol, Memphis: I think there's potential here for Marc Gasol in three years to be better than his brother is now. And the Grizzlies will still give him away for a half eaten bag of Doritos Cool Ranch.
Derrick Rose, Chicago: Man, those are some major-league eye brows. I wished he'd stop running at the speed of light so I can admire his nicely trimmed eye hats.
Michael Beasley, Miami: Miami, where not knowing how to utilize young talent happens.
OJ Mayo, Memphis: No lie—I was drinking orange juice and eating a sandwich when I caught a Memphis game a week or so back. I thought it was extremely hilarious. And then I remembered I was eating alone.
Rudy Fernandez, Portland: Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy.