Plaxico Burress Accidentally Shoots Self in NYC Nightclub: I'm Not Buying It

Matt PicchiettiContributor INovember 30, 2008

I’m not buying it; not for a New York City nightclubbing second. That just does not happen. People do not accidentally shoot themselves in the a New York City.

Sure, the occasional bumpkin will shoot himself while hunting, or a malfunction will happen involving a military serviceman or woman’s weapon. And sure, people will intentionally shoot, stab , or beat someone else in a bar or nightclub in any number of  major metropolitan areas.

But what happened to Plaxico Burress last Friday night was no accident.

Benjamin Brafman, a Burress representative wrote, "I do not expect that Mr. Burress will make a statement," via e-mail. I feel badly that anyone has to represent people like Burress, whom I’m sure will not, with the help of millions of dollars, see a day in jail. But Mr. Brafman’s statement brings up a great point that leads to a few other really obvious points.

First of all: It’s good that Burress will make no statement. Every time he opens his mouth, he says something so asinine that we are held in disbelief...Until he opens his recently-shot yapper again and actually outdoes himself. Here are two gems:

“I mean, I don't think I was liked as a person. I was kind of seen as a black kid, young African-American, cornrows, drives fancy cars, wears diamond earrings, things like that. They just kind of based their perception off of what I drove and what I did and things like that. All those things were never a part of any other player on that team but me.”

Wait a minute. People base perceptions of others off of their actions? Weird.

“I felt my opportunities were kind of limited, so to speak, and at times, I kind of felt myself like playing in shackles. They weren't going to change, and I wasn't going to change.”

That second one is oddly foreshadowing.

Secondly, I will bet dollars to frigging doughnuts that Burress’ statements are what got him shot.

Let’s think about this for a minute; let us empathize with Burress.

Put yourself in Buress’ really expensive shoes. You got the week off of work because of a hamstring injury. Logically, instead of staying home to rest and rehab the injury, you decide to take in a little New York nightlife. You could have gone to a play, maybe a concert, or a nice restaurant, but no, you decide to go to nightclub to meet up with your friends because anyone with a hamstring injury that is severe enough to miss games is obviously not too injured to dance and party the night away.

That, presumably, involves standing which, I’m pretty sure, involves the hamstrings.

Regardless, this is the adult decision that you’ve decided to make. Great. Now, before you go out, you have to double-check; make sure you have all you will need: keys, wallet, a coat, maybe a hat, the wife, hand gun. Got everything? Fantastic. You get to the club. Your friends are happy to see you. The nightclub activities take place.

Drinking, dancing, drinking, laughing, dancing, drinking, talking...through it all, occasionally making sure you still have your wallet, keys, gun, and wife. Check. All there. The night is going so swell. Then it happens.

It is whatever causes you to take your gun out. What are some of the possibilities of what it could be? Maybe, as is being suggested, the gun “accidentally” went off. But maybe not. Maybe you take your gun out to show your buddies. Maybe you say something stupid to someone (see the above quotes; you’ve been known to say stupid things before so it is not out of the realm of possibility) and you felt threatened so you take your gun out.

Maybe you upset the wife. She knows you have a gun on you, so she takes it and puts a round in your leg.

Whatever, you now have been shot and are bleeding and feel like the you-know-what is going to hit the fan. So your buddies help you come up with some story and try to hide the gun. Maybe they help you throw a few dollars and threats around to keep any possible witnesses quiet.

You fail to realize that the story you came up with holds as much water as a thimble.  Not thinking, of course, that if you really accidentally shot yourself, you have nothing to hide.

You would probably feel like a jackass and face a gun charge or two, but what has happened is nothing Vick-like. So why ditch the gun? Something stinks here worse than Nate Newton’s jock on an August afternoon.

You would never do this and neither would I, but Burress has shown that he lacks, among other things, common sense

Lastly, is anyone really that shocked that of all NFL players, Burress is the one involved in something like this? Plug another name into the headline: Eli Manning Accidentally Shoots Self in NYC Nightclub. Hines Ward Accidentally Shoots Self in NYC Nightclub. Reggie Wayne Accidentally Shoots Self in NYC Nightclub.  Steve Smith Accidentally Shoots Self in NYC Nightclub.

None of them make any sense.

You are left scratching your head; but read, Plaxico Burress Accidentally Shoots Self in NYC Nightclub, and are you really shocked? Maybe your eyebrow raises a bit but Burress involved in a shooting; Burress showing a lack of judgment?

That’s no real surprise. The only part of this story that would be surprising is if the events of last Friday night really happened the way Burress is claiming they did.