Writer’s note: If you haven’t seen the 1989 classic Road House, starring Patrick Swayze, this will make absolutely no sense to you. It may not make sense to you anyway. What comes next are the ramblings of a truly giddy Alabama fan…
Imagine this. Alabama Athletics Director Mal Moore looks over the sawdust-covered dance floor from the office of his rowdy honky-tonk called the Double Deuce. He is nervous. His bar has spiraled out of control. The evil Urban Meyer and his band of thugs have taken over again. Meyer has terrorized the once-peaceful townsfolk with his gangland beatings and extortionist tactics. Once again, the bar has broken out into an all-out melee.
However, Moore is hopeful. Tonight, the new "cooler" he has hired is on duty for the first time. This is the bouncer against which all others are judged. Rumor has it, he cleaned up messes like this in Lansing, Michigan and Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Although slight in size, Nick Saban is an intimidating presence.
From his lofty perch, Moore sees Saban order his coffee (black) at the bar while bar stools fly all around him. Meyer has just finished beating up an old man in a Florida State sweatshirt with a pool cue. As the man’s crumpled, bloody body is carried from the dance floor, Meyer makes eye contact with Saban.
Meyer motions for Tommy Bowden to take the first shot. Saban smiles as Bowden throws a roundhouse right hand at his face. Saban catches his fist in mid-air, pins Bowden’s arm and smashes his face into the bar.
Bowden slumps to the floor, his face broken. From his right, Mark Richt smashes a chair over his back. Saban is dazed, but manages to come from underneath with an uppercut to the jaw. In a swift motion, Saban throws Richt over the bar and into a mirror.
Houston Nutt and Bobby Petrino then attack him together. Saban deftly evades two punches, and then cracks their heads together. Meyer than dispatches his dopey, large-headed henchman, Les Miles. Miles pulls a switchblade and slices Saban’s arm. Saban locks his arms, and smashes his knee repeatedly into Miles’ ribcage, and finally lands a knee into his face. Miles collapses to the floor.
The fight spills outside the bar. Tommy Tuberville is next. Saban issues a violent beating. Thinking better of ripping Tuberville’s throat out, Saban drags his lifeless body by the ears back onto the porch of the bar, screaming MEYER! MEYER! But Meyer has fled. Saban retreats to the bathroom and stitches his arm with no anesthetic. Moore sees Saban and says "Doesn’t that hurt?" Saban looks up, smiles, and says "Pain don’t hurt, aight?"
Moore knows that Saban is worth the money. In one night, he has turned the Double Deuce back into a reputable establishment. With the Deuce back under control, Saban is free to hunt down Meyer. He has tracked him to Atlanta, to a bar the called "The Dome." Most think that Saban can’t win a one-on-one fight with Meyer. The people who witnessed the bloodletting at the Deuce think differently.
If you’ve seen the movie, you know how it ends.
8 comments Last one added 7 months ago — Leave a Comment
Justin Goar 7 months ago
i like any kind of "roadhouse" reference but devoting a whole article to it was genius.
"pain don't hurt, aight"
classic merging of swayze and saban.
where's sam elliot???
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Tim Pollock 7 months ago
Roadhouse is pure money. It saddens me how many times I have seen it, but I keep coming back for more.
Justin is right, though, we need Sam Elliot.
Great stuff. Looking forward to more.
5 stars and POTD.
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Vice 7 months ago
You left out Emmitt too. You're gonna have the presbyterians around here praying for your ruination.
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Ingram Worley 7 months ago
Man, I know. I tried to get Emmitt and Wade Garrett in there. I was thinking a Gene Stallings-Wade Garrett angle, but I couldn't work it out in less than about 15000 words. I may revisit this later in the week if people end up liking this one. Thanks for the post!
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Michael Oleszek 7 months ago
Hilarious! I loved it. Road House is one of those "so bad, its good" movies. Although I highly doubt Urban Meyer would be swerving on the road with the top down. He would be hauling ass in a Mad Max car rockin' the shades from The Terminator.
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Ingram Worley 7 months ago
True, true....but you COULD see him throwin' a totally b!tchin' pool party with a bunch of chicks with 80's big hair.
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Walt Traxler 7 months ago
Gator fan & I still love the article,
Although I think the real reason the Tide are in an uproar is because Meyer & Bernie Machen have
decided that if Gainesville should be dry and cut off the liquor supply then Tuscaloosa's Double Duece should follow.
In my script, I think the Gators get the edge, not because of a bloodbath, but b/c in the end the security gaurds at the dome find John Parker Wilson crawling our from the stuffed animal and mutters
"A polar bear fell on me"
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Ingram Worley 7 months ago
Nice twist. I thought about Terrance Cody as the polar bear, but couldn't work that in...
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