Red Sox Nation Exposed As Terrorist Organization (Humor)

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Red Sox Nation Exposed As Terrorist Organization (Humor)

Red Sox Nation, once thought of as a harmless "fan club" of the Boston Red Sox, has been exposed as a front for a terrorist organization.

The news comes as a result of Operation: Sodo Safety, an operation by Major League Baseball’s little known Department of Home Team Security (DOHTS), and the failed undercover work of an operative who disclosed information to the media under the alias he used while infiltrating Red Sox Nation, Jimmy Chowder.  

Major League Baseball started the covert organization in 1992 in an effort to prevent teams from being contracted.

Chowder’s findings indicate that Red Sox Nation had entered cities across the country, recruiting members, and that their plans include the invasion of the minds of home town baseball fans.

Seattle was an ideal target for "The Nation," as Chowder calls them, as the city’s sports economy was already suffering after being ravaged by the potential, and subsequent loss of the Seattle Supersonics.

DOHTS became suspicious of the Seattle chapter of Red Sox Nation in 1997, when the Red Sox sent Heathcliff Slocumb to Seattle in exchange for Derek Lowe and Jason Varitek. Slocumb promptly bombed in Seattle, while Lowe and Varitek had illustrious Red Sox careers.

The trade was apparently retaliation for the 1996 trade which sent a dud, Darren Bragg, to Boston in exchange for future All-Star Jamie Moyer.

After over a half-decade of peace, suspicion rose again in late 2004, as membership of Red Sox Nation nearly quadrupled in Seattle after the Red Sox won their first World Series in nearly 90 years.

By the time the 2004 baseball season began, Chowder had risen in Red Sox Nation, becoming the “Director of Citizenship,” in charge of screening new members.

New members were required to undergo an aptitude test that pertained to general MLB history and their fanhood of the Red Sox. Chowder found the results of these aptitude tests particularly alarming.

While 81 percent of new members claimed to be “Life Long Sox Fans,” 63 percent of new members, when asked where former All-Star Red Sox shortstop Nomar Garciaparra began his professional career, believed Garciaparra had begun his career with the Chicago Cubs. Garciaparra was traded to the Cubs on July 31, 2004.

When asked about three-time Cy Young Award Winner Pedro Martinez, who had the worst season of his career to that point in 2004, an astounding 71 percent of voters described him as “Average at best” in terms of ability.

A multiple-choice question ended the test, “Who is the best pitcher in Red Sox history?” the question asked. With options of Roger Clemens, Pedro Martinez, Cy Young, Tim Wakefield, Derek Lowe, and Keith Foulk, 87 percent chose either Foulke, Lowe, or Wakefield, who all played major roles in the Red Sox two recent championships.

However, such absurd answers didn’t dissuade Red Sox Nation from granting membership.

“I’d compare it to the recruitment of young men into militant groups across the world,” said Chowder, “Young, ignorant, impressionable minds are ‘The Nation’s’ breeding ground.”

Chowder also notes that new member orientation consisted entirely of watching The Departed and Fever Pitch as a means of gaining an understanding of Boston and the Red Sox’s deep and meaningful history.

DOHTS cited an increased attendance at Mariners games against the Red Sox in 2005 as the cause of suspicion of a more urgent situation. The Mariners went 69-93 in 2005, but nearly sold out a three-game series against the Red Sox in mid-May.

In 1993, when the Mariners went 82-80, the Mariners struggled to fill the Kingdome to one-third capacity for a mid-April series against the Red Sox, and only filled the stadium to half capacity in a game started by Roger Clemens.

Chowder even implied that the Kingdome’s destruction was an attack by militant members of Red Sox Nation.

From late-2005 until the Red Sox’s 2007 World Series Championship, Seattle’s chapter of Red Sox Nation saw an alarming decrease in membership. Chowder says that administrators within ‘The Nation’ blamed decreasing membership on the recruitment efforts of similar extremist groups which operate under the guide of the Chicago White Sox and St. Louis Cardinals. Those organizations were quickly disbanded as their membership spikes, in 2005 and 2006 respectively, were not sustained.

In 2007, Red Sox Nation returned to power in Seattle in conjunction with the team’s success, and many citizens are worried that they’ll eventually take over and erase the traditions of Seattle sports.

“I’m already without the Sonics, I’ll already be struggling from January to April, I don’t know how I’ll protect myself if Red Sox Nation mounts an attack in April,” said concerned Seattle resident Jeff Stevenson, “I’m scared of today—of tomorrow—I’m just scared.”

Chowder’s operation was ended when his cover was blown. Chowder acknowledges that it was his mistake which caused the blown cover.

“I wore a vintage No. 9 jersey to a board meeting with ‘The Nation,’ I figured the founding members of Seattle’s chapter would know who Ted Williams was,” said Chowder, “I was confronted, and it was determined at that point that I ‘knew too much.’ I barely escaped without physical harm.”

Ted Williams is one of the historically great Red Sox players, and widely considered to be the “Father of modern hitting.” Williams was a 19-time All Star, a two-time MVP, and won six batting titles.

Major League Baseball has been able to thwart several attempts at sports terrorism. After nearly four decades of tyrannical rule, George Steinbrenner has been relieved of his duties as the leader of the “Evil Empire.”  

For nearly a decade, the Baltimore Orioles spent millions of dollars on weapons which they paraded through their lineup and pitching rotation, but the weapons have yet to manifest themselves into anything material.

It is undetermined if Erik Bedard has been sent from the Orioles as a spy of some sort, but he’ll be detained on the disabled list indefinitely.  

Major League Baseball encourages people across the country to report any odd behavior to their local authorities, such as: change in wardrobe to fit “nation standards,” reading of Red Sox propaganda, or anything that may lead to poor decisions of fanhood.

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