Red Sox Nation Exposed As Terrorist Organization (Humor)

Red Sox Nation, once thought of as a harmless "fan club" of the Boston Red Sox, has been exposed as a front for a terrorist organization.

The news comes as a result of Operation: Sodo Safety, an operation by Major League Baseball’s little known Department of Home Team Security (DOHTS), and the failed undercover work of an operative who disclosed information to the media under the alias he used while infiltrating Red Sox Nation, Jimmy Chowder.  

Major League Baseball started the covert organization in 1992 in an effort to prevent teams from being contracted.

Chowder’s findings indicate that Red Sox Nation had entered cities across the country, recruiting members, and that their plans include the invasion of the minds of home town baseball fans.

Seattle was an ideal target for "The Nation," as Chowder calls them, as the city’s sports economy was already suffering after being ravaged by the potential, and subsequent loss of the Seattle Supersonics.

DOHTS became suspicious of the Seattle chapter of Red Sox Nation in 1997, when the Red Sox sent Heathcliff Slocumb to Seattle in exchange for Derek Lowe and Jason Varitek. Slocumb promptly bombed in Seattle, while Lowe and Varitek had illustrious Red Sox careers.

The trade was apparently retaliation for the 1996 trade which sent a dud, Darren Bragg, to Boston in exchange for future All-Star Jamie Moyer.

After over a half-decade of peace, suspicion rose again in late 2004, as membership of Red Sox Nation nearly quadrupled in Seattle after the Red Sox won their first World Series in nearly 90 years.

By the time the 2004 baseball season began, Chowder had risen in Red Sox Nation, becoming the “Director of Citizenship,” in charge of screening new members.

New members were required to undergo an aptitude test that pertained to general MLB history and their fanhood of the Red Sox. Chowder found the results of these aptitude tests particularly alarming.

While 81 percent of new members claimed to be “Life Long Sox Fans,” 63 percent of new members, when asked where former All-Star Red Sox shortstop Nomar Garciaparra began his professional career, believed Garciaparra had begun his career with the Chicago Cubs. Garciaparra was traded to the Cubs on July 31, 2004.

When asked about three-time Cy Young Award Winner Pedro Martinez, who had the worst season of his career to that point in 2004, an astounding 71 percent of voters described him as “Average at best” in terms of ability.

A multiple-choice question ended the test, “Who is the best pitcher in Red Sox history?” the question asked. With options of Roger Clemens, Pedro Martinez, Cy Young, Tim Wakefield, Derek Lowe, and Keith Foulk, 87 percent chose either Foulke, Lowe, or Wakefield, who all played major roles in the Red Sox two recent championships.

However, such absurd answers didn’t dissuade Red Sox Nation from granting membership.

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